Sooo I am sort of new to the whole "single mom" thing. My ex and I split almost 2 years ago. we have one son together. He is still around, as much as he can be we live 10 hours apart and do month to month with our son. I've always found myself torn on whether or not I like him being part of his son's life or if my son and I would be better off he if he just wasn't in the picture at all. It breaks my heart to think of how hurt my son would be if his dad wanted nothing to do with him...but then again his dad is such a pain in the ass I often think our lives would be a lot less stressful without him in it. My son is 3 so im not even sure if he would even remember his father if he decided to not be around any more. Hes not a bad father he loves his son...but he does have a hard time putting his son before his own needs. He doesn't have to support his son financially when he has him his parents do that for him...he lives with his parents..drives his parents cars etc etc. I think that's why I have such a hard time with letting him go with his dad when I struggle with making sure my son has everything thing he needs. So I guess my question is..Single moms with the dad still around are you glad hes around and apart of your childs life? Or if the father isn't in the picture do you wish he was? Was it your choice he isn't around? or theirs?
by Mocking.JayJanuary 13, 2013 at 10:00 PM
I know too many good people, (including guys I'm friends with) who said they're proud that their moms raised them alone to just vulnerably believe a study. I don't care if there are hundreds of studies that prove lack of father involvement means a child will be messed up later on. I studied psychology and the one thing they tell you in every course is correlation does NOT equal CAUSATION.
My DD is now 22, and is more than "pretty normal" (of course I'm a bit biased!). She's brilliant, kind, loving, articulate, got a 1570 on her SAT and is now graduating from college with honors.
And it was deeply hurtful to her that her father wasn't in her life. I realize now how selfish and prideful it was of me to walk away and say "I can do this alone" (I could) rather than make an effort to include him.
Doesn't mean children without father's can't function, I think a lot of young mothers are really fooling themselves if they think it has no bearing on ones emotional development. And yes, I do believe studies matter. There have been many, many on this subject.
Oh my god, this is ridiculous! Just because there are studies done doesn't mean it applies to all children of single parents.
There are some damn good mothers in this group who have never gone out of their way to make the father be involved or give him a chance. You leave things the way they are. Your children will be fine! It's hard work but if you are consistent and give extra love, a single mother can bring up a pretty normal child with no problems.
Studies are just garbage.
Assuming he's not abusive...
Absolutely, without a doubt, it's NOT about what's easier for you. If he chooses to bow out, you can't do anything about that. But it will definitely affect your son not to have his biological father in his life!!! Don't make that mistake.
Even if your child had no specific memories of him, the presence of his absence will create a void in your son's life. You can't just marry another guy and make him "daddy" like signing over the title to a car. He will ALWAYS wonder and hurt inside. There is so much evidence, so many studies done about this. It really pains me to see how casually many young mothers want to toss the father out of the picture for their own convenience.
And PS, yes, I speak from experience on both sides--oldest's BD did not have contact, then I married and had 2 more whose dad is very involved.
by RNmomofboysJanuary 13, 2013 at 10:03 PM
my ex is a pain in the ass too. he hates me (idk why he cheated on me) he is a good day too, to the extent that he see's the kids everyweek and is around for all the things they are involved in. I think he is a bad dad becuase his hate for me makes he decision for the kids jaded, for instance if it gonna benefit me or make me happy then he wont do it, like let the boys stay the night for my birthday sorta thing. but ultimately, he is thier dad and i think they would have a huge void without him, in time when they are adults they can make there decisions for themselves, if they see him as a bitter man on thier own, then so be it. but i would never stand in the way of that. or stand in the way of them seeing thier paternal grandparents...even though i personally dont care for them
by MoPainJanuary 13, 2013 at 10:11 PM
Most days I really wish he would just go away and not come back. He's a dad when it's convenient for him or when it makes him look good to his family but when it comes right down too it like child support or showing up when he says he is going to then it just doesn't happen. So yes I want him to go away before she is old enough to know the difference and I may get my wish right now we live 2 hours away he has only seen her when I go to where he is at. I already got it in writing that he is ok with us moving to Oregon so as soon as I am planning on moving to Oregon as soon as I am done with school. Your situation sounds different then mine so I wish you the best of luck I just want to get my daughter away from her dad before she realizes that he cares more about her half brother then he does her. It's very obvious he doesn't even try and hide that fact that he has a favorite and it's not my DD
by RidingsoloJanuary 14, 2013 at 5:38 AM
Oh, I'm sorry! I left out the important detail that my son's father is 56. :P Lol, there is no excuse for that, in my opinion. He certainly is mature enough at that point...He made an informed decision to ditch us. I do agree that if the father is very young, then it is certainly a different story.
That's how I felt when my girl was a baby.
Young men panic and walk away. Young women screw around with young men who they believe are committed and in love, then become not good role models. We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, they affect our children. Let's touch base in 20 years. lol
I'll never want my son near someone who has admitted that he wished he were never born. There are much better role models around and my son will have much better values than to want to be around a man who ditched him. I do understand your opinion though and you're entitled.
With all due respect, your child is 8 months old. You may see things quite differently when he's older.
My son is 8 months old, and his father is not involved at all, by mutual choice. I don't get child support, and he does not get visits.
I have always believed that a child is better off without his biological father, if the man does not truly care about his child and put the child first. Better no "father" than a biological father who pops in and out of of his life, or doesn't truly care about him.
I felt that my son deserved to be surrounded by people who always put his own interests first and care about him. I told my ex that he could either step up and be a true father, or go on his way and leave me to raise my son myself. My ex chose to go on his way. That was the right choice, because he had always lived a very self absorbed lifestyle and never would have wanted or been able to be a real father.
It is definitely hard being a single parent, but my son is such a happy, bubbly little boy, and I know that I made the right choice for us. He has a consistent household and consistent parenting.
It all depends on your situation, though. It sounds like if your child is already 3 and been seeing his father regularly, you would be in a tough spot to change that at this point.
DS is 1yo. Bd isn't around. I love that now. He is a horribly bad influence and he never did anything for him. Idk what happened to him, or where he is, and idc. It's. Like, one day he was saying he was going to send money, then I never got a response, its been about 2 months. I know I'll. Hear from him again, I just hope its a long, long, time from now.