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428pm
conflicting thoughts/feelings on ex losing interest
by 428pm
January 5, 2013 at 1:53 PM

My son's father has been the bane of my existance for 5 years of my life.  After one year (my son was then 15mths old) he (driven my his crazy mother) sought out access every other weekend with my son and won. ick.

It was a hellish traumatic ride of fighting, abuse, crazy making and manipulation.  I fought hard to put an end to it unsuccessfully.  Eventually the school called CAS because of things my son was saying.

Fast forward a year, and my son refused to go saying "I don't feel safe there"  CAS decided no more visits, supervised only.

That worked exactly 2x.  The 3rd visit ex was escorted off CAS property by police, and CAS refused to try anymore.  

Thing is, no one heard from ex ever again!  That was a year ago.  I guess is was (as he often said) "too much hassle"  In fact, his ENTIRE paternal family has dropped him like a hot potato.  Aunt, grandfather, grandmother.  ALL of them.

Enter mom guilt.

I am ecstatic that this abuser is out out out of my life! Even happier his psychotic mother is gone!  My son however, is miserable.  He cries, why doesn't my dad love me anymore? Why did everyone go away?  He went through a phase where he thought it was his fault.  He went through a phase where he thought it was my fault. 

Right before Christmas he had to be told he wouldn't be going to see his dad at his grandparents like he always had before.  He was crushed.  He thought he would (I don't know why).

I feel terrible for his hurt, I feel terrible I am happy the ex and his family are gone.  I wish he had family, I wish he had a father.  I am glad his father is gone.  I am glad his family is gone.  I'm scared they will change their mind and come back, I feel bad for feeling that.


Am I nuts???

Replies

  • MissTuree
    January 5, 2013 at 2:07 PM

    No you're not nuts, just a mother. :)

    Let your son know that you and him are a family and that you don't know why his dad isn't there but that YOU will ALWAYS love and NEVER leave. I would always kiss my son and tell him, "Nothing in the world will ever stop me from loving you and not matter what mommy will NEVER leave you."

    THere is nothing you can do about the dad sadly, but just show him that he has you and that you are never going away. He needs that security. Also something I think a lot of single moms have trouble doing, which is at the detriment of many children, is let them know that just them and mom IS a family. They aren't missing out, they aren't any less loved than any other kid. I have a tattoo for my son that says, "Me and You, Just Us Two." I always let him know WE were a team, any one else in our lives was just extra but all that mattered was that we had each other.

  • amonkeymom
    January 5, 2013 at 4:32 PM

    Welcome to the group!  You are not nuts, nor do you have a reason to feel guilty for your child's father's choices.  He sure hasn't proven to be fit.

    Quoting 428pm:

    My son's father has been the bane of my existance for 5 years of my life.  After one year (my son was then 15mths old) he (driven my his crazy mother) sought out access every other weekend with my son and won. ick.

    It was a hellish traumatic ride of fighting, abuse, crazy making and manipulation.  I fought hard to put an end to it unsuccessfully.  Eventually the school called CAS because of things my son was saying.

    Fast forward a year, and my son refused to go saying "I don't feel safe there"  CAS decided no more visits, supervised only.

    That worked exactly 2x.  The 3rd visit ex was escorted off CAS property by police, and CAS refused to try anymore.  

    Thing is, no one heard from ex ever again!  That was a year ago.  I guess is was (as he often said) "too much hassle"  In fact, his ENTIRE paternal family has dropped him like a hot potato.  Aunt, grandfather, grandmother.  ALL of them.

    Enter mom guilt.

    I am ecstatic that this abuser is out out out of my life! Even happier his psychotic mother is gone!  My son however, is miserable.  He cries, why doesn't my dad love me anymore? Why did everyone go away?  He went through a phase where he thought it was his fault.  He went through a phase where he thought it was my fault. 

    Right before Christmas he had to be told he wouldn't be going to see his dad at his grandparents like he always had before.  He was crushed.  He thought he would (I don't know why).

    I feel terrible for his hurt, I feel terrible I am happy the ex and his family are gone.  I wish he had family, I wish he had a father.  I am glad his father is gone.  I am glad his family is gone.  I'm scared they will change their mind and come back, I feel bad for feeling that.


    Am I nuts???


  • LifeCafe42
    January 5, 2013 at 5:01 PM
    Welcome keep telling your son you will always live him start making new family traditions for your new family. He's going to be sad and upset which is normal good luck
  • SunshineDee
    January 5, 2013 at 7:41 PM

    no you are not nuts or crazy to feel like that. we all want to parent as a "whole" and it is hard at first but eventually it will get a little better and easier. be happy the people that cause so much damage are gone.

  • Robsessed98
    January 5, 2013 at 7:48 PM

    Nope, not nuts at all. Actually pretty normal feelings I would think. Be careful and dont talk negative about your ex around him, though. That's something children should never hear. It's always possible he will come back, but in the meantime just comfort your son and let him know that you love him so much that y'all can be a happy family with just the two of you.

  • Barblicious
    January 6, 2013 at 2:28 AM

    Nope not nuts, you are a mother, and those are types of things that crush our hearts, we never want our children to experience pain or hurt or rejection and loss. Have you considered therapy? It could be helpful to allow him to express his feelings of loss and rejection and to help him understand it was NOT his fault. 

    Children always personalize things. My parents divorced when I was 5-6 years old, and I blamed myself and personalized it, and had a lot of problems growing up feeling insecure. I suggest allowing him to express his feelings but working with him to make sure he understands HE WAS NOT the reason everyone left. Good luck.

  • MissKittyPurry
    January 6, 2013 at 11:01 AM
    I agree with everyone, he only needs to know YOU love him and you will never leave him. That the two of you are a family no matter what.
    I completely feel you. I feel bad because I wish my ex and his family would leave me and my DD alone. I feel like he's only seeking custody to be stubborn. He spent months saying I cheated and DD isn't his then changed his mind the month before she was born.
  • witchybabymomma
    January 7, 2013 at 3:09 PM

     I understand at least about the dad part, thankfully his paternal g-ma is an awesome lady.

    I think you might try to get him into counseling so he can talk to a neutral party about his feelings and be reassured it's not his fault.

  • Momof1014
    January 7, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    No you are not nuts! Seeing your child hurt and confused is hard on a mother! Knowing that your child is too young to understand why is also hard and frustrating! The thing you need to tell yourself is that one day your son will understand... One day he will thank you for protecting him and he will not resent you! You have done nothing wrong! You are a mother and doing what is best for your son! Let your son know that you are there for him for whatever he needs and you also don't understand why his dad isn't around! It will get easier! Just keep your head up! You are doing nothing wrong!

  • victoriahearts
    January 7, 2013 at 4:11 PM

    I agree with the other mom's you shouldn't feel guilty the fact that his father is unfit. I would really start having him open up to you and start telling you how he feels , and make sure he knows he can express whatever feelings or thoughts he has with you and you will listen and try your best to make him feel better. Explain to him even though his dad isn't around that you are and you will always be there and that although his family is smaller and different now it can also mean it's cooler , point out positive like he gets more time with you which makes you super happy, and that you two are making new traditions, that the two of you can depend on each other no matter what. Hopefully over time he will start to feel a little bitter if he doesn't I would suggest getting his a therapist it may help. As he gets older it may make it easier as well for his to understand.

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