Single Moms

RaevynEvermore
Feeling very stressed
December 18, 2012 at 9:10 PM

So my dd is a little over two months old. Her father has not been around since I told him I was pregnant except to tell me if I ever went after him for child support, he would move states and work under the table the rest of his life. He has a son that he hides from and works under the table just enough to buy weed and video games. 

When she was born, I didnt put him on the birth certificate because I didnt want to deal with the stress of court, blood test paperwork, etc. CPS tried bullying me into giving them his information (they came to do an inspection because when I was younger, I did drugs that messed up my heart, so I told the hospital when I first came in that I had heart issues due to past activities).

Im realizing that I dont have the money to raise her all on my own. I already live with my mom and she helps us out A LOT. I recieve WIC but they do not provide enough formula to last us for the month. Ive had to sell whatever I could to buy a couple extra cans to hold us over. I can apply for cash assistance, but they told me I have to go through child services, which they will try to find her father to open a child support case.

The main reason I dont want to open a child support case is because I dont want him to be able to have access to her. If hes on the birth cert and I cant prove hes an unfit father (which in the state of arizona means either a Felon or is violent) he gets visitation and can even file for custody. The chances of that are slim...like .001% but I dont want that chance. I know he wont care for her and she would be in danger. Ive talked to the other mom and he has done everything to her, what hes done to me.

I start school next month, but wont recieve my financial aide for another 3 months, which I can use to help pay for her formula and diapers, etc. 

Im feeling extremely stressed, and I dont know what to do. I cant work because I do NOT trust daycares around here with a 2 month old baby and no place will hire me for JUST weekends, and wont work around a school schedule. Most places here will only hire you if you have full availability. 

Any advice? Any is appreciated, thank you.

Replies

  • Robsessed98
    December 18, 2012 at 9:27 PM
    I disagree with your decision to not go for child support. Let him run and hide, they will eventually find him and he will have to pay. You can even get his tax refunds or any lump sums he receives. He should not be allowed to produce kids and get away without helping. Apply for every assistance program you hear of. You may have to go the daycare route to provide for the baby. Just get references and talk to other mothers about them before you leave your baby with them. Daycares arent ideal, but sometimes they are necessary.
  • RaevynEvermore
    December 18, 2012 at 10:02 PM

    I dont want him to have any rights to her though

    Quoting Robsessed98:

    I disagree with your decision to not go for child support. Let him run and hide, they will eventually find him and he will have to pay. You can even get his tax refunds or any lump sums he receives. He should not be allowed to produce kids and get away without helping. Apply for every assistance program you hear of. You may have to go the daycare route to provide for the baby. Just get references and talk to other mothers about them before you leave your baby with them. Daycares arent ideal, but sometimes they are necessary.


  • easinpc
    by easinpc
    December 19, 2012 at 10:22 AM

    I don't really know what advice to offer because I've never been in that situation but wanted to give you a bump with the hopes that other moms had some advice!  Good luck!

  • penguinzombz
    December 19, 2012 at 2:43 PM

    I had similar problems when my daughter was that age. At that time, her dad wasn't in the picture and I didn't feel comfortable filing for child support against him. I also lived with my mom then, but luckily enough she was able to watch my baby for me, as she was on disability and couldn't work. I worked 12-hour night shifts at minimum wage and went to school full time. I didn't get to see my daughter as much as I wanted, but I could at least provide for her needs. I agree that you should go for as much assistance as you can - food stamps, WIC, TEA, and check out food pantries in your area- sometimes they have formula and are usually very willing to help out a single mom in need. I don't have much advice about daycares, since I don't trust them either, but I do know that sometimes you can get gov't assistance with paying for it. Maybe if you mentioned your reservations regarding the visitiation rights to the child support office, they would help you figure something out. If you talk with the other mom, maybe the two of you can provide some kind of testimony that would prove him unfit. I so hope everything works out for you! I know how very stressful it can be, but just try to keep your head up. 

  • HyperMom38
    December 19, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    Go through with it and get the temporary assistance, but tell them you have no idea who the dad is, you slept with a bunch of guys you didn't really know and never got any of their names.  They can't prove you don't know. 

    Get a job at McDonald's or BK's or some other fast food joint- they have flexible schedules.  Or, a lot of places have homes for the developmentally disabled and they have shifts 24/7- overnights and weekends are ususally available because no one wants to work them.  You just need a HS diploma to work at them.  I did it for 10 years and it was a great experience. As far as daycare goes, ask around for the names of good sitters and then interview each one.  It is hard to leave your baby for the first time, but it has to happen sooner or later and you NEED to be able to work so you're gonna have to do it.  Good luck!

  • RaevynEvermore
    December 19, 2012 at 5:46 PM

    bump

  • RaevynEvermore
    December 19, 2012 at 5:47 PM

    I wasnt aware that state insurance would share his name with des, so they have his first and last name. But its a pretty generic name...

    and Im starting school soon so I'd rather stay with family while I do that so I can actually get a good paying job. 

    Quoting HyperMom38:

    Go through with it and get the temporary assistance, but tell them you have no idea who the dad is, you slept with a bunch of guys you didn't really know and never got any of their names.  They can't prove you don't know. 

    Get a job at McDonald's or BK's or some other fast food joint- they have flexible schedules.  Or, a lot of places have homes for the developmentally disabled and they have shifts 24/7- overnights and weekends are ususally available because no one wants to work them.  You just need a HS diploma to work at them.  I did it for 10 years and it was a great experience. As far as daycare goes, ask around for the names of good sitters and then interview each one.  It is hard to leave your baby for the first time, but it has to happen sooner or later and you NEED to be able to work so you're gonna have to do it.  Good luck!


  • GI_Jane230
    December 19, 2012 at 8:53 PM

    You need to let them open a case.  If he is using drugs, a court can order that he take mandatory drug tests before having any contact with her.  I know someone who has visitation every other weekend with his daughter but he has to tak a drug test EVERY single time, before he can see her, and the visitation is supervised.  He doesn't get to get away with not helping you just  because he does drugs or is an ass. 

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