Visitations with other parent

[cbmommy]

My divorce was final on February 13, 2012. Our parenting agreement is "Dad" gets kids every other weekend. In this short time he missed 9 visits. In October he serves me papers to modify visitation and child support. After he served me those papers he started picking the kids up on his weekends. The first week DD went to his house since then she hasn't wanted to go with him. She calls him and tells him and he is okay with her not going over, he still picks up DS. We went to our first hearing which was just meeting with a court facilitator. On Tuesday this week we went in front of the judge. In court I brought up all the visit he missed and he said those are just times DD doesn't go over there. I told him no I don't count those days because he still makes an effort. Anyways now we were ordered to make DD go to his house. She cried so hard tonight that she doesn't want to go this weekend. I'm trying to be as positive as I can and encourage her to go but it breaks my heart. I asked why and she says it is boring. She also talks to a therapist and has not mentioned anything bad to her. "Dad" lives with his sister, a total of 7 in a 3 bedroom single wide trailer. He does not have his own car and being a pot head has no motivation to do anything so I understand it being boring. I brought up the drug use in court and because of our stupid state it's okay as long as its not done in front of the children.

My question is what do I do? Should I make her go? Should I tell DD if it's okay with dad she can stay home? I dont like seeing her cry. They kids are DD 8 and DS 5

[LifeCafe42]

Unfortunately if its ordered she has to go. Check your state but most have a certain age that the minor can make the decision

[tyfry7496]

You have to send her. If you don't then you can be held in contempt of court. Then you can be fined and jailed. It sucks but it is what it is. Keep talking to her and if she says more detailed or questionable reasons then report them to your attorney or have her therapist keep the lines of communication open. She's a mandatory reporter and must report any suspected abuses.

[victoriahearts]

You may not like it but it's court order so you need to make her go, have you  tried packing her activities that she can maybe do with her brother or her dad while they are over there? Books, coloring kit, board games? I sometimes have to take my son to my office and it's super boring, so I have "boring kit" i fill it with toys, books, and his iPad to get him thruough the long hours at my office, maybe you can try something like that. 

[Shy_Dia]

how is your relationship with the dad? if he's willing to not let her come, maybe compromise a bit with her/them... she has to go at least one weekend a month, and on teh weekends she doesnt go, she has to go out to dinner with her dad once during the weekday- just the two of them, to facilitate the relationship between them.

but if the relationship ISNT good, and you think that he'd go to court over it and put you in contempt, i'd tell her that she has to go, send her with some stuff for her to do.

[cbmommy]

Thank you ladies for your input. The relationship between me and "Dad" is horrible. Whenever we are around each other he puts me down, calls me names in front of the kids, and yells at me. That is the reason I try to avoid him. I never put him down to the kids and if they are in the house I do not talk about him. Any communication I need to have with him is through text message so I have record of it. 

I've told DD that she will have fun at Dad's and she took a stuffed animal with her. She is very adamit and says she is coming home Saturday after her basketball game. If he takes her this will be the first time ever he has been at one of her events. It's also kind of ordered that he has to take her. She didn't sign any new orders she just told us what needs to be done. 

[steviechick]

Well, hopefully things will continue to go well and the visits will get better.  I think your DD will eventually adjust to being around her father.  If it does get worse then perhaps you can try and contact your ex through your atty for alternate weekends.  At least you can do this through the courts and not get into any trouble.

[faerie75]

 you make her go. a child that young should not be making that kind of decision. it gives her too much power. also, a lot of times a kid will feel guilty that mom si home alone and make an issue. since you dont think she is being harmed, encourage her. tell her mom is ok when she visits dad and while she misses her, she knows she will be home soon. and give her ideas of what to do to have fun. maybe send her some new coloring books and crayons or something sh elikes that isnt pricey and you dotn mind if it stays there.

[strngenough]

Is there a chance of hiring a private detective or asking the kids is "daddy smokes funny smelly cigarettes" when they are there? My only objection is I wouldn't want my kid around drugs.

However my niece did the same thing your daughter is doing. She didn't want to go to her dads because its boring and she doesn't have her own room. My sister hates her ex so she ate it right up and said "she doesn't even want to see you." To him. Kids get away with what they can. A child doesn't get to decide if they want to see their parent or not.

[Andrewsmom70]

Do your kids have their own bed/space at their dad's? If not that might be part of the issue too. I would bring that up when you go to court next.



But I agree with the others, you've got to make her go. It's part of life to do things we don't want to do sometimes. And life isn't always fun either. Send books with her to read. Maybe even read them also and you'll have something to talk about when she gets back.

[Mocking.Jay]

I totally disagree with that. You don't want to traumatize a child into thinking YOU don't want to be there for them if you are forcing them to go to their dad's. I think it is an incredibly stupid law to force a child if they don't want to go because "it's the right thing to do". Just because it's law, doesn't mean we have to agree or like it. 

Quoting strngenough:

Is there a chance of hiring a private detective or asking the kids is "daddy smokes funny smelly cigarettes" when they are there? My only objection is I wouldn't want my kid around drugs.

However my niece did the same thing your daughter is doing. She didn't want to go to her dads because its boring and she doesn't have her own room. My sister hates her ex so she ate it right up and said "she doesn't even want to see you." To him. Kids get away with what they can. A child doesn't get to decide if they want to see their parent or not.