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brittybby2010
38 weeks pregnant, single, and in need of serious advice with the father...
November 5, 2012 at 10:54 AM

This may end up being a VERY long post (I'm kinda needing to vent a bit, but I also need some advice as well!). I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. When I found out, I was still with the father. I made the first OBGYN appointment and he made up excuses not to go to it. At around 12 weeks, I started spotting and was put on bed rest for a week. He didn't call, text, come over, bring me a flower...nothing to show that he was concerned and that he cared, so I left him. And I haven't been with him since.

Through my entire pregnancy, I've paid for everything minus the gifts from my family and friends. I have everything set up and prepared for my little one to make his/her big entry into the world. I did it all by myself. He ran back to San Antonio to go live with his mom (we both live in Texas, but he use to live in the same city as me that is 800+ miles away from where he's at now). He claims to be down there working to earn enough money to come back here, get an apartment, and be settled for the baby. Sadly, I know this is not true at all. I'm due in two weeks, yet he is still in San Antonio, after promising to come back before the end of October. He has nothing for the baby. Absolutely nothing. He refuses to send me pictures of this "amazing and expensive crib" that he has and sends pictures of his baby nephews swing (which is obviously his because he's older and the swing is all dirty and disgusting looking, as it should be if a little one is still using it) and expects me to accept it as something he's paid for.

He does have warrants out for his arrest, which I learned after I left him. It's nearly $1600 but it's for things like underage drinking (he's 22 and I'm turning 21 in about a month so you can see how old some of these charges are), drunk driving, driving with no license...wreckless things. While we were together, after I found out about my pregnancy, he picked me up to take me to meet his uncle and he openly drove his car and drank a beer with ME IN THE CAR (note: This was a few days before I started spotting, so this was also a major factor in me leaving). During our relationship before I got pregnant, I learned about his "past" cocaine abuse but then learned that he hadn't really left it in the past. He let it slip that he had done it on one of his many MANY nights out while we were together. Once, he left me at a night club downtown alone so he could go run a drug deal. Now, before you say anything, I wanted to tell you that yes, my self esteem was LOW. I thought I deserved nothing better than a drug addict because he made me feel that I was to fat and ugly for any other guy to want me. I now know that what he said is not true, but back then, I accepted everything he did out of the fear of being alone.

My questions are:

1) When I go into labor and the baby is born, do I have to tell him? He will not be in town for it, as I told you he is making no effort to move back anytime soon. Will I be fine (legally) if I just have the baby and tell him afterwards or not telling him at all?

2) If he does care enough to find out and he tries to take me to court for it, will he be arrested for the warrants? Will that also play a major role in custody?

3) If I tell him that the baby was born and he just shows up on my doorstep with his "posse" (mostly his cousins and fellow drug addict friends), can I call the police to have them removed from the property? I have no problem letting him see the baby, but I refuse to let him have his support system with him and I refuse to let him come into my house while I'm alone.

 

So sorry it's so long...I'm just really looking for someone to calm my nerves about all this. I think I do have the answers for these questions, but I don't think I'm thinking clearly enough to be correct about it all or maybe there's something I missed that I didn't think about. Thank you in advance!

Replies

  • happymommy1105
    November 5, 2012 at 10:59 AM
    no you don't have to tell him when you go into labor or baby is born. you can just have him served with custody papers and child support paperwork.

    you need to file for custody as soon as baby is born. don't wait for him to take you to court.

    I don't know how warrants and custody work. sorry.

    no you don't have to let him in your home. its private property and yes the police will make him leave.
  • easinpc
    by easinpc
    November 5, 2012 at 11:24 AM

    I agree with this.  I would contact an attorney now so that way you can have everything ready so that way when you do have your baby all you have to do is fill in the missing information.  I would definately file for sole custody (both residential & legal) especially if you can prove the drug use.  If he wants visitation I would file for him to have supervised visitation at a center where he has to pay for it.  Good luck!

    Quoting happymommy1105:

    no you don't have to tell him when you go into labor or baby is born. you can just have him served with custody papers and child support paperwork.

    you need to file for custody as soon as baby is born. don't wait for him to take you to court.

    I don't know how warrants and custody work. sorry.

    no you don't have to let him in your home. its private property and yes the police will make him leave.


  • Cenedra64
    November 5, 2012 at 11:24 AM
    I'm going to say this with someone with recent experience with this only i wasnt pregnant. Dont give him a second thought! Once theyre into drugs thats all they care about. My ex bfs brother made threats. I dont tolerate that! Hes got a lot of growing up and so does your babys dad. You raise this child. Without that drama. Youre a decent loving woman hes out there
  • brieri
    by brieri
    November 5, 2012 at 12:36 PM

     Hi and welcome to the group.

    Somre pretty good advice given by all so far. 

  • faerie75
    November 5, 2012 at 1:51 PM

     1. yes. i did that with my second. i would make sure to let him know though.

    2. family court and criminal court are completely different. it is possible if you live in a small town. even if he does have a criminal history, he will get visits if he goes to court for it. might start off supervised at first but if hes serious and follows though he will get visits. my So has a VER LONG AND BAD rap sheet (old) and has joint custody. court sucked for him but he fought and got it.

    3. if you tell him that you had the baby, tell him he is welcome to come see the baby but his friends are not. explain you just had the baby and cant manage a houseful of ppl right now or for awhile.  if he disregards what you tell him and shows up with a butt load of ppl tell them to leave and if they get crazy THEN call the cops.

  • brittybby2010
    November 5, 2012 at 1:54 PM

    Thank you, everyone. I do plan on telling him I had the baby after I leave the hospital, and I would like to have him come see the baby. I highly doubt he will come, even if I offer, but at least the offer was put out there! We will see what happens when I actually have the baby.

  • Robsessed98
    November 5, 2012 at 3:00 PM
    You dont legally have to tell him anything at all at any time. If he brings his posse over, tell them to leave and if they dont, call the police. If he has warrants he will be arrested when the police id him no matter where he is. If you dont want him around the baby, you have every right to keep him away. Just be careful what you do because if yall go to court and he can prove you denied him visitation it will go against you.
  • amykysmom
    November 5, 2012 at 6:14 PM

    Ok So I had a little girl. The day I told her dad I was pregnant was the last time I saw him. I did text and try to call the whole pregnancy as well as at the hospital. It played a PIVITAL ROLL in me getting backpay for the baby. So he now owes me child support to the day she was born plus medical expenses i had while pregnant. It is in your best intrest to do meet and greet outside of the home, And the Courts will ask you if you feel at threat or not. Things will be ok,. I hope you have a good support group around you. If you need anything please look me up. I am here if you need any advice. PS my babys dad met her last April and he is a great dad now. However WE are not together and he has more kids with someone else.

  • FirstTimeMama21
    November 6, 2012 at 12:19 AM
    You're literally living my life lol

    I didn't tell the father when my son was born.
    I didn't put him on the bc.
    If he comes anywhere near me, I call the cops (drugs, alcohol, abusive).
    He showed up once at my family business and ran before the cops pulled up.
    If you don't want him around, go to the court and ask for restraining order.
  • LifeCafe42
    November 6, 2012 at 9:21 AM
    Welcome I'm glad you found us!

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