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don't know what to do.. so confused and feeling super stressed. please help
by drbell
October 25, 2012 at 8:51 AM

hi all 

i dont know what to do.. 

i have a 4 year old daughter. 

she is the love of my life.

my daughters father doesnt see her.. and he has never paid child support.

when i fell pregnant with her.. he and i lived together..

when i told him that i was pregnant he was furious and called an abortion clinic right away, making an appointment for me,

he started to bully and blackmail me .. 

telling me that if i kept the baby he would kill himself..

that it would ruin our relationship

the pressure and bullying from him was horrible.. i couldnt take it anymore

so i told him that i couldnt kill my unborn child.. so he threw me out and told me that if i ever contacted him again.. he would  move and change all of his details so that i couldnt find him.

i had to move overseas to live with my family so that i could be in peace.

i moved back in 2009 as my parents wanted a relationship with my daughter. and to be honest i missed my friends and my parents. 

i asked him in 2009 if he would help out.. and he responded with 'i'd rather kill you both and then myself'

'i hope you and your kid both burn in hell'

anyways.. i am a full time student.. i am working my rear end off trying to finish my degree,,

i am also doing my required hospital prac..

money is extremely tight and it is stressing me out...

food, rent, bills, her school fees, my school fees.. 

its just overwhelming :(.

my daughter does a dancing class with her friends and has done for the last year..

she almost had to miss out this term.. as with food and rent ect i just could pay the fee..

i had to ask my parents for help.. so that she didnt miss out.. 

i felt humiliated.

he has a computer science degree and earns over 100 k a year..

he also got married to a teacher this year.. and they got married on of all days my daughter's 4th birthday.

so he isnt hurting for money.. but i am .

he should pay for half of her school fees.. half of her swimming lessons..ect

i posted on a local single mothers grooup website asking for help as he isnt listed on thebirth cert.. so i wanted advice

every single reply told me not to file.

a few people said that it wouldnt be fair to him to pay for a child he has had nothing to do with.

a few said that i made the choice to keep the baby knowing that he didnt want it.. so the responsibilty is mine alone.. 

some people said that... he has forgotten he has a kid so dont remind him.

dont ask him as you'll open pandora's box and regret it. 

find another way of getting money..dont ask him.

i feel so confused now.. 

i didnt make myself pregnant..

i am making myself ill trying to do everything..

why is it so bad to ask him to help out.. 

if he paid half of her costs.. that would be half i wouldnt have to try to find.. 

and it would be such a stress off me..

and i could put that money towards bills and food.. 

am i in the wrong?


  • bmcginnis
    October 25, 2012 at 9:00 AM

    If you have asked him in the past and hes said no then I would go ahead and apply for assistance for you and your daughter. Depending on what state you live in, the state themselves will press him for child support. They may want a DNA test to confirm hes the father since hes not listed on the birth certificate. It takes two to make a child and you were responsible enough to know that abortion wasn't the right answer for you. He needs to step up and take responsability and help you. Keep your head up and i will keep this post in my thoughts and prayers and send good vibes your way.

  • happymommy1105
    October 25, 2012 at 9:05 AM
    you stated you live overseas.

    I have no clue how you would even begin to file.
  • drbell
    by drbell
    October 25, 2012 at 9:09 AM

    i was for a year, but i moved back in 2009.

  • HyperMom38
    October 25, 2012 at 9:16 AM

    No you are not wrong to want her birth father to pay his fair share.  But you do need to weigh the pros and cons of this. First, you said he has money... that also means he has money for lawyers and can drag this out into an all out war for years to come.  He could ask for full custody- he prolly wouldn't get it, but he would get visitation and joint custody with you having primary placement.  Once that happens he has the right to say what school she goes to (or doesn't go to), what extra-curricular activities she is involved in, what church she attends and  to make medical decisions for her- and possibly not the ones you would choose...  Right now you are the one in control.  You need to ask yourself is the money worth having him back in you and your daughter's lives?  Because he will be until the end of time if you pursue this.  I speak from experience.  I got dragged into court every chance he got.  I wracked up 5K in lawyers fees.  I would give anything to not have to deal with him every week because every chance he gets he starts a fight.  You have to choose- the money or the peace of mind.

  • drbell
    by drbell
    October 25, 2012 at 9:26 AM

    he is married.. would he really want to involved with her now after 4 years?

  • iHay
    by iHay
    October 25, 2012 at 9:38 AM
    I really think you would be better off not asking him for anything, dd certainly doesnt need someone who wants to kill her in her life. What happens if you push him and he does turn out to be violent? He has money so he can afford better lawyers than you can. What if his new wife decides she wants dd? What if he decides to take dd just to punish you? The risks just dont outweigh the benefits from what i see. I know how hard it is to be poor but i honestly its better for dd to be poor then to be dragged through a custody/support battle or to have a man who really does try to kill her. If i was you id leave it alone.
  • lnrmom
    by lnrmom
    October 25, 2012 at 11:10 AM

    This is the pandora's box that is abortion. He wanted you to have an abortion. You CHOSE to keep the baby knowing he didn't want her. Sorry honey, this is all on you to figure out.

  • drbell
    by drbell
    October 25, 2012 at 11:21 AM

    i dont agree with you

    it takes two to make a baby..  not one..

    if you are unwilling or unable to take responsibilty for the consequences of having sex.. 

    then you should not have sex. 

    i have taken my share of the responsibilty.. 

    he is 34 years old.. he needs to grow the hell up and do the same.

  • MicahBoo07
    October 25, 2012 at 11:29 AM

     If u take him for child support then he will get visitation and he will take all that time he gets just to spit u and it will open a whole cane of worms u may not want to open. My son's dad told me to put him on child support or he wouldn't pay for his child so I did and now he does things like taking all the visiting time and not paying support to just spit me and now is trying to get my son for legal custody just because he doesn't want to pay child support so if I wouldn't of did that child support then maybe I would never have gotten all this stress and rude person still in my life.

  • MicahBoo07
    October 25, 2012 at 11:30 AM

     Ur child doesn't know the guy so why bother it. U will be better once u finish school and be a great role model to ur child by finishing school and doing it on ur own. Be strong for u and her.

    he doesn't deserve her after all these years.

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