by steviechickOctober 12, 2012 at 9:22 AM
Hi, Grace. Welcome to the group and I'm glad you found us accidentally! ; )
I have a lot of experience dealing with a break-up. I was married to my ex for 26 years when he decided to tell me about his three year affair. The last three years of our marriage, my ex decided to cheat on me with a co-worker 16 years his junior. They also had two kids together during this affair. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I would never even wish what I went through on my worst enemy. It was that devistating. I spent many months crying at night and crying at the spur of the moment. I was betrayed and dragged through the gutter. My ex tried to embezzle money from me when he was having an affair. He also snuck furniture out of our house and gave it to the gf while he was sleeping with her. He fathered a son and didn't even have the respect to tell me that he did this. He waited until six days before he deployed to Kuwait when he first told our 17 year old daughter what he did. He never gave me the respect to tell me FIRST. He actually drove to PA with his pregant gf and their 10 month old son in tow and told his parents of his affair. Can you imagine what his parents went through finding out that their 'beloved' son did this behind my back, their granddaughter's back and their back? They didn't even know that the mistress was pregnant with baby number two until she showed up with him on their door step. The gf is just as f'd up as my ex.
The grief I've had to bear over all of this literally tore me up inside. Then I started to realize just how screwed up my ex is mentally as well as the gf he has been cheating on me with. Something else I've had to deal with is a financial deadbeat for an ex. I spent almost our entire marriage being miserable because of the financial situation my ex put me through (bounced checks, repos, bankruptcies (his - two of them), evications (because he failed to get a decent job). I look back at my miserable marriage and knew that I could have left but I decided to 'work' with my then husband. To help 'change' him to become a better man. Well, I tried as best as I could. I took my vows seriously. He decided to be constantly irresponsible and drag our marriage down. Then he turned to another woman and literally ran away from his responsibilities of being a father AND a husband. When you look at my marriage. It was doomed for a long time. I did my best. That's all I could have done as a wife. Now my ex is married again and has two more kids to support. He's 53 and his kids are 2 and 1 years old. I see a behavior pattern that will continue into this new marriage. I've done my job and I've moved on to a much better and happier life. I actually have money in the bank and I'll never have to worry about money problems nor a cheating husband ever again - like the new wife will.
I am sorry that you are having to go through this. You have gotten some good advice here. You are going to go through some "stages" and once you go through them you will be good. You will go through the hurt stage and not understand why he could do this. Then there will be the anger stage and then once you get over the anger stage then things will look up. Once you see that it is his loss and not yours, you will see things a lot clearer. You will need to focus on your kids and just take some time for them and you. Your kids will not understand this as it sounds like you have little ones. Just as well as you need someone to talk to they will too. Talk with them and see if you can get them to open up to you with their feelings about it. They will not fully understand it for a long time. You have to remember and keep telling yourself that you can do it without him. Once you are able to let all the feelings go you will see just how happy you can be without him. You can do this and you will. This is a new beginning to a new life. Someone made a comment of not letting him see you hurt. That is so true. Everytime you see him don't let him see you hurting or whatever. Let him see you with a smile on his face. Believe me he will not like that.
October 13, 2012 at 2:02 AM
Focus on yourself and your kids. Try to keep busy. And every time you catch yourself thinking she must be better, stop those thoughts. She is not better, nobody is better than anyone else. But also give yourself permission to grieve the loss of your relationship and try to get some time alone or with friends so you can relax and do some things you enjoy or that bring you peace. And one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. You will get through it, I promise.