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how do I compromise with my mom? - kinda long
by Mac4411
October 9, 2012 at 11:30 PM

I have a problem that I am not sure how to handle. I've asked friends and family and no one knows what to tell me.

My mom and I are close and she loves my little girl. We visit her a lot and she helps me by watching my DD when I run errands like groceries or when I work on weekends.  My mom has been married to a guy for the last 7 years who isn't the greatest guy (he won't work, is very jealous, and can be mean to my mom, threatens to take her for everything if she tries to leave him) but she chooses to stay with him despite the whole family telling her to leave. I do what I can for her but I can't make her leave him. He and I have very little in common and he knows I don't approve of him, but he has always been very nice to my DD so I have tolerated him.

My daughter is 1 ½ and she doesn't handle cow milk or ice cream well. It gives her painful diarrhea and horrible diaper rash, so we drink almond milk and avoid most dairy. She's been having problems again and I had her on a pro-biotic and was getting ready to have her tested for food allergies to find out what else could be setting her stomach off. Then a couple weeks ago when I went to my mom's for my step-sister's bday. There was an ice cream cake and my mom got DD a brownie so she wouldn't be left out. When I looked across the room I saw my mother's husband feeding DD ice cream. When I asked what he was doing he told me "I didn't f@!king know what I was talking about and that my kid wasn't allergic to ice cream and he could feed it to her if he wanted". I packed up my daughter and we left and have not been back. Since this episode my DD's bowel issues have cleared up and even though I can't prove it I think he has been feeding her ice cream when she's over there and making her sick.

I told my mom that I would not be disrespected that way and that as long as my daughter was healthy and I wasn't hurting her, no one had the right to disregard my choices for her. I also told her I no longer trusted her husband around my daughter and that I thought her home was abusive. She talked about how I was right and that she was leaving him, but she hasn't and I know she won't, she never does.

I don't want my daughter to grow up without her grandma, but I'm not sure how to avoid it. I don't think her husband was trying to hurt DD, but he has no respect for me or the decisions I make for my daughter.  He treats me like I am stupid when I set rules for her and he undermines my parenting (there are other things he does but it's been just slightly rude til now.)  I do not want to be anywhere near him and I don't want DD around him. He won't work and is almost always at the house so I cannot stop by when he's gone. I have invited my mother to my home or to meet somewhere, but she rarely leaves her house except work. Now she keeps telling me how much she misses DD and I know she wants me to give in and pretend like nothing happened. I think that if I pretend, then I am just as bad as her for putting up with him and that it is a horrible example for my daughter.

Is there a compromise here that I'm not seeing?


  • Robsessed98
    October 9, 2012 at 11:46 PM
    How about offering to bring dd over for her to visit and babysit, but only if the husband is not alone with dd and is supervised when he is around her? That wouldnt be an imposition on your mother and your daughter wont miss out on spending time with her grandmother.
  • LifeCafe42
    October 9, 2012 at 11:51 PM
    I agree maybe just a visit bring soy ice cream so if he is tempted he can give this. Unfortunately I don't see him changing
  • SinceresMomma
    October 9, 2012 at 11:53 PM
    Maybe your daughter is lactose intolerant(sp).. You and your mom can set dates when the three of you can hang out and have a family day. If you were to leave your daughter at her home, do you think your mother would speak up if she caught him disregarding your rules? If not I wouldn't take her there without being there to supervise. I'm good with blocking people out
  • sjw87
    by sjw87
    October 10, 2012 at 12:02 AM

    Yeah sounds like shes lactose intolerant. Check into Dairycare, just google it. I've been taking it for about 8years now works GREAT! I just finally talked a friend of mine into trying it about 6months ago she is also in love with it. I think you would have to contact them about dosage for kids, for adults its 2pills in the morning and two at night for a week than 1-2 pills with breakfast each day depending on your needs.

    As far as the situation I would say he can't be alone with her or just ask your mother to watch her at your house instead. Maybe it would be good for her to get a break, maybe play the I dont have anyone to watch her while I'm at work and she misses you but I still need to be a good mom card. So instead of saying like I'm her mom and what I say goes (even though you are soo right in this situation) Come off more as I cant put my baby back in that situation but she still needs you.

  • finnbar
    by finnbar
    October 10, 2012 at 12:07 AM

    Sorry to hear your mom is in such a situation. I know it's really hard for you to watch her waste her life with a mean guy.

    Unfortunately, as others have pointed out, your mother will never go against this guy face to face.  If your daughter is visiting and he gets  out the icecream she's going to get him a bowl and spoon, kwim?  it's the naure of an abusive relationship.  

    It may seem harsh but I strongly advise that you draw a line in the sand and do not leave your daughter at their home ever again.  Sometimes a person in an abusive relationship can be forced to see how bad off they are when family members quit acting like it's ok.

  • gracieb3
    October 10, 2012 at 12:15 AM

    Prayers. I know your situation all too well. I can only tell you to invite her to counseling and to stick to your healthy boundaries. You are not keeping your daughter from your mother but she is keeping herself away because of the new boundaries and their inconvenience. I hope she will make more of an effort and I'm sincerely sorry you had someone undermine your parenting to the point of causing medical conditions. God bless.

  • NewMama28
    October 10, 2012 at 2:26 AM
    I personally feel if you allow your dd to go back to your moms house you're enabling his shitty behavior and her unhealthy relationship with him.

    It's your dd's health here. If your mom declines coming to visit or meeting up somewhere then that is her choice. I would not sed my dd anywhere that I felt was unsafe.... Intentional or not.
  • cdjak
    by cdjak
    October 10, 2012 at 4:46 AM

    I'm not sure 'enabling' is the word I would use, probably more like allowing...I would not under any circumstances leave your child in your mother's home again. There is no compromise, and you have done everything right. You have already invited your mom to your home so she can see you and her granddaughter whenever she likes. You can meet at a restaurant or park also to have a visit. She is exhibiting the behaviours of a battered woman-whether or not he actually hits her is not important-verbal abuse is just as bad. She won't leave the house except for work, which tells me he is probably controlling her, and she is afraid to go against him. She won't leave him because of irrational fears. There is nothing you can do to change this, other than give support. Your child comes first, as you are fully aware, so just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully when she misses you enough, she'll come over. Sorry you have to go through this. 

    It took my mother 52 years to leave my father, a man who was verbally abusive to her for as long as I can remember, with a little physical abuse thrown in there too. She is now elderly and living with my sister, happier than she has ever been. My father blames my sister and I for the failure of his marriage and is not speaking to any of us anymore. Good riddance.

  • tyfry7496
    October 10, 2012 at 8:39 AM
    Your mom sees your daughter only with you or at your house.
  • faerie75
    October 10, 2012 at 3:16 PM

     no there isnt. of course, he treats you like you are stupid and undermines you. he is a narcissistic asshole and has no respect for women. and while i know you love your mom, i wouldnt tolerate that shit either. i HATE men like that. i cant even be around them and keep my mouth shut. i once told my friends bf who was like that, that he was a little bitch and not worthy to address me. lol

    i would not compromise. its your daughters health and he will likely undermine you to spite you. i would let your mom know you are always there for her but you cannot tolerate being in her abusers presence AT ALL ad wont be going over or taking your daughter around that shit.

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