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cdotchristian
My bf's baby mom is deceased and I feel like I'm competing with her
October 6, 2012 at 8:49 PM

I know this may sound crazy, but my bf's baby momma past away 3 years ago and I feel liek i'm competing with her. Everytime we talk about her, I can handle the conversation, then I have to drop it because i can feel myself getting jealous of their previous relationship. He tells me about how she loved him and how her family was to him, and after awhile I don't wanna hear anymore. I told him I felt like I am a reincarnation of her because a lot of things that I do reminds him of her and he said maybe but you're you and she was her. He's good to me and my son and he loves his daughter very much. I know that he misses her, but he don't say it cuz of my feelings. Am i being selfish or am i feeling this way for a reason? A part of me wants to tell him, then a part of me wants to walk away. I haven't told him yet cuz i'm nervous of his response.

Replies

  • mrsary
    by mrsary
    October 6, 2012 at 8:55 PM
    U aren't being selfish. U r having natural feelings!
  • whitneymf
    October 6, 2012 at 8:57 PM
    No I think its just as if she was alive you would be jealous too, I know when my past bfs would bring up their ex gfs I would get jealous. It's the same just think of it as she was a great person and you can fill the hole she left and that makes you an amazing person.
  • PaperClip811
    October 7, 2012 at 11:33 AM

    Communication is key and presentation is everything. I think you should tell him how it makes you feel. Dont make him feel guilty for still caring about her, but let him know that the comparisons to her make you uncomfortable and when the conversation turns to her there is a point that you feel like he's looking for a replacementt-her.. even though he says you're two different people, his other actions arent matching up. 

  • sid1083
    by sid1083
    October 7, 2012 at 11:39 AM
    The only person competing with her is you. You may feel there's a comparison, but you'd be the one turning it into a competition - one you'll never win. It's not bad he's nostalgic about their relationship, but if it's hurting your relationship with him, I agree with pp that you need to communicate with him how his actions are making you feel. You're entitled to your feelings on the matter also.
  • iHay
    by iHay
    October 7, 2012 at 11:59 AM
    I think you need to tell him how you feel just remind him at the same time that you dont expect him not to miss her or not to ever talk about her. Tell him you just need to be reminded from time to time that he's glad youre you and he wants to be with you.
    i think the feelings you are having are natural and anyone would have them. If they were together when she passed then thats really different than breaking up. Just talk to him. *hugs*
  • Robsessed98
    October 8, 2012 at 6:20 AM
    This is good advice. My dh lost his last wife in a car wreck, so I can relate to how you feel. I was open and honest about everything with him, and surprisingly he took me to her grave. He "introduced" us and started telling her all about me the things she and I had in common, plus alot more. He changed that day somehow and doesnt compare me to her anymore at all.

    Quoting PaperClip811:

    Communication is key and presentation is everything. I think you should tell him how it makes you feel. Dont make him feel guilty for still caring about her, but let him know that the comparisons to her make you uncomfortable and when the conversation turns to her there is a point that you feel like he's looking for a replacementt-her.. even though he says you're two different people, his other actions arent matching up. 

  • easinpc
    by easinpc
    October 8, 2012 at 11:14 AM

    I agree with this.  You need to let him know how it makes you feel and be honest with him.  I know that you may not like his reaction, but I would rather be honest with someone than live a lie.

    Quoting PaperClip811:

    Communication is key and presentation is everything. I think you should tell him how it makes you feel. Dont make him feel guilty for still caring about her, but let him know that the comparisons to her make you uncomfortable and when the conversation turns to her there is a point that you feel like he's looking for a replacementt-her.. even though he says you're two different people, his other actions arent matching up. 


  • Melissa_4
    October 8, 2012 at 11:51 AM

    You are going to need to come to grips with the fact that he really loved her, and unfortunately women that pass away tragically have a tendency to get idolized by the men in their lives.  It's not fair to you, but it's reality.  

    You do need to talk to him.  Its not fair for you to constantly feel like you are living in her shadow.

  • Two_Hearts
    October 8, 2012 at 1:14 PM

    I agree with the other's when they say that you need to tell him everything. 

    Think of it this way ...when a relationship ends on its own , we tend to notice the little things that we didnt like about the other person ..we tend to make negative lists in our minds to help us move on and continue with our lives with other people. 

    however , when a relationship ends because of a death ...we don't do those things , its a relationship that ended because of circumstances ..not because of anyone's choice. 

    So yes , he most likely loves her still ..and misses her ..and is sad , that is natural.

    But it is natural for you to feel how you do.

    Perhaps to show him that you respect his feelings and respect who she was ...possibly make it a point to do something nice on HER birthday , for her child ...make a dinner ...make a cake ..that her child can blow out the candles for her ...

    Let your BF know that you are willing to do something to celebrate her life , but that you want to feel like you don't have to compete against who she used to be anymore...and that you need to feel like he wants you , for you..not for who you remind him of.

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