Single Moms

parentpower8321
illegitmate child by an illegal alien
October 5, 2012 at 11:27 AM

 Im a new member to this site and have, and have  since I found out I was pregnant, some conflicted feelings about recognizing my newest addition, my daughter, as a part of the family and loving her the way a parent should and taking care of her above and beyond the basic amt. of care required. Dont get me wrong, I feel TERRIBLE saying this and totally understand its not right and I dont always have these feelings towards her but at times I do and I cant help the fact that these feelings come up at times. A liltle history, I have two amazing sons by my ex-husband who is still in the picture and we share joint custody of them but during my divorce I was dating a great guy, so I thought, with 2 kids of his own who he raised on his own for roughly 10yrs. During our 4 months of dating my birth control had been recalled for 5 months of which I didnt get the letter from pharmacy until 2 months after I found out I was prego. He seemed happy, promised to stay around but had hard time finding work and kept returning to Texas for 2-4 months at a time to save money. I didnt really want a long-term relationship with this man as good as he seemed,l I was in middle of divorce for heavens sake. Needless to say, after going to Texas the last time he told me he wasn't coming back cuz he is NOT a citizen and is working illegally , was not there for his only daughters, that I know of, birth. Was sending money for a little bit but since she was born he kinda fell off the map. Now I feel like Im 'stuck' with this child. I seriously considered adoption to my ex-sister-in-law who I am still very close to and could continue to see her as she grew, but then knowing this is my only girl I selfioshly wanted to keep but as I said, now and then I get these 'trapped', 'unfair' feelings and I feel like the smallest piece of sh*t ever.... Some advice please..

Replies

  • ssenter
    by ssenter
    October 7, 2012 at 5:01 PM
    My advise is go to counseling. I know your upset by what he did not he is not her so maybe you should try counseling to see if that will help you think of your daughter as your daughter and not his daughter. Then not to sound rude but if you can't stop thinking of him and treating her unfairly because of that then maybe your ex sister in law should adopt her so she can be a loving nurturing home where she is wanted if that is what that home would provide her.
  • gracieb3
    October 7, 2012 at 8:36 PM

    Hugs and prayers. I think you are in a cognitive (mental/thought)spot that you can control more than you realize. I'm a mental health social worker and what you have is situation. It might be only that but it could be diagnosed as situational depression or an adjustment disorder. Obviously you would need to see someone in person and complete a PSA intake. I'm basically suggesting counseling. When I read all of the above, my heart goes out to you. None of what happened was what you planned or expected. You were tossed over some very hard bumps. You have survived them all but I can imagine at times it crashes down on you as reality is still that you have another child to care for. I'm sure she is a blessing as all children are but your perspective is that of your life. You can change it and thereby change your feelings. If you seek counseling you would be looking for CBT help. Most social workers, LPCs, etc can help you with this non invasive approach to bettering your coping skills and giving you the happy insight needed. I wish I had a magic wand for cases such as your but I know this is an easy to fix issue so I will send up prayers, sending hugs and hoping you seek a therapist. If that therapist doesn't connect well with you, please find another one. God bless. 

  • RAINEYGURL
    October 7, 2012 at 11:26 PM

    Let go of all the circumstances and just love her like your boys.  She is an innocent and deserves to be with her Mother.  Forget her father.  I grew up without a Dad, he left before I was born also, and with just one loving person in your ballpark, a child will do just fine.  It's about her, not about him, or what he did.  He is a 'non issue' in all this.  Please don't put this on her, she is a blessing from God and things go the way they are meant to be.

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