Single Moms

parentpower8321
illegitmate child by an illegal alien
October 5, 2012 at 11:27 AM

 Im a new member to this site and have, and have  since I found out I was pregnant, some conflicted feelings about recognizing my newest addition, my daughter, as a part of the family and loving her the way a parent should and taking care of her above and beyond the basic amt. of care required. Dont get me wrong, I feel TERRIBLE saying this and totally understand its not right and I dont always have these feelings towards her but at times I do and I cant help the fact that these feelings come up at times. A liltle history, I have two amazing sons by my ex-husband who is still in the picture and we share joint custody of them but during my divorce I was dating a great guy, so I thought, with 2 kids of his own who he raised on his own for roughly 10yrs. During our 4 months of dating my birth control had been recalled for 5 months of which I didnt get the letter from pharmacy until 2 months after I found out I was prego. He seemed happy, promised to stay around but had hard time finding work and kept returning to Texas for 2-4 months at a time to save money. I didnt really want a long-term relationship with this man as good as he seemed,l I was in middle of divorce for heavens sake. Needless to say, after going to Texas the last time he told me he wasn't coming back cuz he is NOT a citizen and is working illegally , was not there for his only daughters, that I know of, birth. Was sending money for a little bit but since she was born he kinda fell off the map. Now I feel like Im 'stuck' with this child. I seriously considered adoption to my ex-sister-in-law who I am still very close to and could continue to see her as she grew, but then knowing this is my only girl I selfioshly wanted to keep but as I said, now and then I get these 'trapped', 'unfair' feelings and I feel like the smallest piece of sh*t ever.... Some advice please..

Replies

  • JamminOutMama
    October 6, 2012 at 10:36 PM
    That's deep. How old is she? Good luck this sounds like a very tough one
  • shygrl3cccm
    October 6, 2012 at 11:03 PM
    Awww I'm sorry mama. I hope you find your answer. And keep her, love her unconditionally and not see her as a reminder of what went wrong but a part of the loving you!
  • paganbaby
    October 6, 2012 at 11:25 PM

    I don't agree with that at all. My oldest dd is adopted (open adoption) and she has no issues from it. She grew up knowing that she grew in Tanty's tummy. That Tanty wasn't ready to be a mom but she loved her very much so she gave her to me. She sees her BM at least once a month and I regulary babysit her son, my dd's half brother.

    As for your kids, how does having a closed adoption make a difference? Haven't your kids ever questioned why their parents gave them away?

    Quoting robin1953:

    if you adopt her to your sil, your daughter will wonder why you gave her away.  If you end up giving her up, give her to people who can love her. A closed adoption is best for all concerned. I am the mother of four adopted children.


  • Refurbished
    October 6, 2012 at 11:51 PM

    I agree with you.  My next door neighbor adopted her granddaughter.  The girl's mother and half siblings come over almost every single day.  She's one of the sweetest, most well adjusted kids I've ever met.  In contrast, my aunt was adopted.  Her BM just handed her over to the hospital when she was 3 days old and wanted the adoption sealed.  She seems to have a lot of issues with that and feels she was just thrown away. 

    Quoting paganbaby:

    I don't agree with that at all. My oldest dd is adopted (open adoption) and she has no issues from it. She grew up knowing that she grew in Tanty's tummy. That Tanty wasn't ready to be a mom but she loved her very much so she gave her to me. She sees her BM at least once a month and I regulary babysit her son, my dd's half brother.

    As for your kids, how does having a closed adoption make a difference? Haven't your kids ever questioned why their parents gave them away?

    Quoting robin1953:

    if you adopt her to your sil, your daughter will wonder why you gave her away.  If you end up giving her up, give her to people who can love her. A closed adoption is best for all concerned. I am the mother of four adopted children.



  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    October 7, 2012 at 12:13 AM

    I applaud you for the loving way you seem to be handling your open adoption.

    It will be interesting to see how open adoptions play out when these children are older. Just because a child "has no issues with it" as a child (let's face it, children "have no issues" believing the Easter Bunny hops around putting eggs in baskets, too), doesn't necessarily mean they won't have larger issues later. And adopted children often do not truly feel comfortable sharing those feelings with their adoptive parents, as much as adoptive parents would like to believe they do. 

    Much of the negativity that many of us feel about adoption is based on the way they did it "back then" when everything was so secretive and often surrounded with shame, lies and secrecy. They thought the babies would just grow up happy and healthy, in a loving home. But it's not that simple. These issues run deep. 

    One would hope that the newer system of open adoption will be better than the old one. Only time will tell. 

    I wish you all the best!


    Quoting paganbaby:

    I don't agree with that at all. My oldest dd is adopted (open adoption) and she has no issues from it. She grew up knowing that she grew in Tanty's tummy. That Tanty wasn't ready to be a mom but she loved her very much so she gave her to me. She sees her BM at least once a month and I regulary babysit her son, my dd's half brother.

    As for your kids, how does having a closed adoption make a difference? Haven't your kids ever questioned why their parents gave them away?

    Quoting robin1953:

    if you adopt her to your sil, your daughter will wonder why you gave her away.  If you end up giving her up, give her to people who can love her. A closed adoption is best for all concerned. I am the mother of four adopted children.



  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    October 7, 2012 at 12:43 AM

    Interested in your opinion--

    Did you adopt babies, or were they older children? 

    Do you plan for them to reunite with their birth moms when they are older?

    I'm not sure how it works nowadays, but in the "baby scoop era" of the 50s and 60s when they had all closed adoptions. It was (and is?) a terribly cruel system. There is so much evidence now that these children are grown, for just how much damage that caused. 

    I can't imagine advocating for closed adoptions, after spending just an hour or two reading through the mountain of blogs and websites written by adult adoptees and birth mothers. It truly causes as primal wound for a baby to be separated from his/her mother. There is so much evidence now about how damaging the secrecy and lies and pretending everything's okay are for adoptees. Some deal better than others, but it is always present. 

    I've been involved with this "adoption world" as a non-triad member, in helping others search for their biological parents. You wouldn't believe how often I hear "my adoptive parents were wonderful and loving, and I don't want to hurt them, but deep down they just don't understand my need to know, to belong, to connect..."

    In extreme cases of abuse, etc., I understand that adoption may be the only option. 

    I'm not trying to judge (really) only to understand better. Did you do any of this kind of research before adopting? What led you to your conclusion that closed is better? 


    Quoting robin1953:

    if you adopt her to your sil, your daughter will wonder why you gave her away.  If you end up giving her up, give her to people who can love her. A closed adoption is best for all concerned. I am the mother of four adopted children.


  • paganbaby
    October 7, 2012 at 12:47 AM

    Thank you :-)

    Well she's 13 now and so far so good. She's never really asked why Tanty didn't want her nor does she have a desire to live with her. She likes her in small doses,lol. Her birth mom can be rather difficult to get along with at times. I think it helps that she grew up knowing her so there wasn't this fantasy about her "real" mom that some adopted kids have.

    Oh and I totally agree. The way adoptions are done now is MUCH better then in days past. Especially for the kids. But no matter what way you slice it, there will be some kids who will be affected no matter what.

    For instance neither me or my sister knew our respective fathers (I know that makes my mom sound bad,lol) I couldn't of care less. Even now I have no desire to find him. My sister on the other hand, obsessed about it and created this fantasy about her DAD. It really affected her growing up. When she was 20 she met him and was very disappointed. He was annoying and narcissistic and nothing like she imagined.

    Quoting Lurion:

    I applaud you for the loving way you seem to be handling your open adoption.

    It will be interesting to see how open adoptions play out when these children are older. Just because a child "has no issues with it" as a child (let's face it, children "have no issues" believing the Easter Bunny hops around putting eggs in baskets, too), doesn't necessarily mean they won't have larger issues later. And adopted children often do not truly feel comfortable sharing those feelings with their adoptive parents, as much as adoptive parents would like to believe they do. 

    Much of the negativity that many of us feel about adoption is based on the way they did it "back then" when everything was so secretive and often surrounded with shame, lies and secrecy. They thought the babies would just grow up happy and healthy, in a loving home. But it's not that simple. These issues run deep. 

    One would hope that the newer system of open adoption will be better than the old one. Only time will tell. 

    I wish you all the best!


    Quoting paganbaby:

    I don't agree with that at all. My oldest dd is adopted (open adoption) and she has no issues from it. She grew up knowing that she grew in Tanty's tummy. That Tanty wasn't ready to be a mom but she loved her very much so she gave her to me. She sees her BM at least once a month and I regulary babysit her son, my dd's half brother.

    As for your kids, how does having a closed adoption make a difference? Haven't your kids ever questioned why their parents gave them away?

    Quoting robin1953:

    if you adopt her to your sil, your daughter will wonder why you gave her away.  If you end up giving her up, give her to people who can love her. A closed adoption is best for all concerned. I am the mother of four adopted children.




  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    October 7, 2012 at 1:00 AM

    Very interesting! 

    I'm involved in helping adult adoptees reunite. In fact, I attended a Webinar the other night about adoption reunion and asked the presenter --what's the best age for a child to know their birth mom? Should you wait until at least 18? His answer was "the sooner the better, then they just grow up with it being a normal thing." 

    What I hear from birth moms and advocacy groups is often that there is no such thing as "real" open adoption because it's not legally binding. If you decided tomorrow that bmom is getting too annoying, you could (theoretically) pick up and move and she would have no rights. 

    What I've heard from a lot of adoptees is that no matter how wonderful their adoptive moms are, many feel they never really understand (and sometimes don't want to know) how deeply it affects them. They are often less comfortable than the aparents think, in discussing it with them.

    Another funny coincidence--the reason I got into searching is because my daughter's dad--who she's never met--was adopted. She's always been curious to find out who those people (her bio. grandparents) are, where they come from, etc. She used to want to know her dad, but now he's rejected her twice so she says she really doesn't. But she says that while holding back tears. So I don't really know what's best. Come to think of it, he's kind of a pompous ass and she'd probably hate him anyway. ;) 

    What a colorful world. 


    Quoting paganbaby:

    Thank you :-)

    Well she's 13 now and so far so good. She's never really asked why Tanty didn't want her nor does she have a desire to live with her. She likes her in small doses,lol. Her birth mom can be rather difficult to get along with at times. I think it helps that she grew up knowing her so there wasn't this fantasy about her "real" mom that some adopted kids have.

    Oh and I totally agree. The way adoptions are done now is MUCH better then in days past. Especially for the kids. But no matter what way you slice it, there will be some kids who will be affected no matter what.

    For instance neither me or my sister knew our respective fathers (I know that makes my mom sound bad,lol) I couldn't of care less. Even now I have no desire to find him. My sister on the other hand, obsessed about it and created this fantasy about her DAD. It really affected her growing up. When she was 20 she met him and was very disappointed. He was annoying and narcissistic and nothing like she imagined.

    Quoting Lurion:

    I applaud you for the loving way you seem to be handling your open adoption.

    It will be interesting to see how open adoptions play out when these children are older. Just because a child "has no issues with it" as a child (let's face it, children "have no issues" believing the Easter Bunny hops around putting eggs in baskets, too), doesn't necessarily mean they won't have larger issues later. And adopted children often do not truly feel comfortable sharing those feelings with their adoptive parents, as much as adoptive parents would like to believe they do. 

    Much of the negativity that many of us feel about adoption is based on the way they did it "back then" when everything was so secretive and often surrounded with shame, lies and secrecy. They thought the babies would just grow up happy and healthy, in a loving home. But it's not that simple. These issues run deep. 

    One would hope that the newer system of open adoption will be better than the old one. Only time will tell. 

    I wish you all the best!


    Quoting paganbaby:

    I don't agree with that at all. My oldest dd is adopted (open adoption) and she has no issues from it. She grew up knowing that she grew in Tanty's tummy. That Tanty wasn't ready to be a mom but she loved her very much so she gave her to me. She sees her BM at least once a month and I regulary babysit her son, my dd's half brother.

    As for your kids, how does having a closed adoption make a difference? Haven't your kids ever questioned why their parents gave them away?

    Quoting robin1953:

    if you adopt her to your sil, your daughter will wonder why you gave her away.  If you end up giving her up, give her to people who can love her. A closed adoption is best for all concerned. I am the mother of four adopted children.





  • robin1953
    October 7, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    Our children were between the ages of 3 and 6 when they came home to us. they are now in their 20's. There's never been any secrets. They wanted no contact with their birthmom, although they are facebook friends now, as are she and I. By closed adoption, I mean the birthparents don't have contact while the children are little. It is too confusing for them. They consider their birthmom their birthmom but me their mother as I raised them. Nothing like in the 50's and 60's. They always knew they were adopted.

    Quoting Lurion:Ou

    Interested in your opinion--

    Did you adopt babies, or were they older children? 

    Do you plan for them to reunite with their birth moms when they are older?

    I'm not sure how it works nowadays, but in the "baby scoop era" of the 50s and 60s when they had all closed adoptions. It was (and is?) a terribly cruel system. There is so much evidence now that these children are grown, for just how much damage that caused.

    I can't imagine advocating for closed adoptions, after spending just an hour or two reading through the mountain of blogs and websites written by adult adoptees and birth mothers. It truly causes as primal wound for a baby to be separated from his/her mother. There is so much evidence now about how damaging the secrecy and lies and pretending everything's okay are for adoptees. Some deal better than others, but it is always present. 

    I've been involved with this "adoption world" as a non-triad member, in helping others search for their biological parents. You wouldn't believe how often I hear "my adoptive parents were wonderful and loving, and I don't want to hurt them, but deep down they just don't understand my need to know, to belong, to connect..."

    In extreme cases of abuse, etc., I understand that adoption may be the only option. 

    I'm not trying to judge (really) only to understand better. Did you do any of this kind of research before adopting? What led you to your conclusion that closed is better? 


    Quoting robin1953:

    if you adopt her to your sil, your daughter will wonder why you gave her away.  If you end up giving her up, give her to people who can love her. A closed adoption is best for all concerned. I am the mother of four adopted children.



  • Caramel824
    October 7, 2012 at 3:02 PM
    MY DAUGHTER is ME 30 years AGO,I thank GOD and JESUS I have her,my son is a man and his father is from Honduras he went and he loves his dad,I want happy children,I don't want to be with his dad so I let go and let GOD!!

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