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SexyDiva19
Am I digging my own grave? *vent* ((LONG))
September 30, 2012 at 1:23 PM

 

I don't even know where to begin with this situation. I guess I'll start in the middle and work the other info in or something.

Next Saturday my ex, his "fiance" (alleged) and their daughter, along with me and my son are going to go to the park to allow the kids to play together. I am feeling ok about this (I think) because I know that I won't be completely alone with him for one and for two, I am going to a place I am familiar with so if anything jumps off I can just leave.

Backstory: Um my ds is 7 and his half-sister is 2. My son didn't get to fully "meet" my ex until he was 4 because of all the trouble ex was causing. Got pregnant at 15, had my son at 16. After breaking up with bd he became someone insane. Stalking, harassing phone calls, looking in windows, etc. 5 restraining orders and 2 assualt charges later he disappeared from my life completely.

At one point there was a judge who told me I was nieve for trying to salvage any type of relationship between bd and I as well as he told me to never allow him to have contact with myself or my son because he is just that unstable and unpredictable. That was 4-5 years ago and since there was never anything in writing I don't know what to do.

I can't possibly say 5 years a judge told me not to allow my son around him so I don't, can I? If I file for custody, what happens if he gets joint? I mean I know what happens but that would devastate me. I've never been without my son. My ex doesn't have the temper to deal with kids, he told me so himself.

Nowadays he sees my son every now and then and that's usually if we (my son and I) happen to be in a public place (McDonald's, Barbershop, etc.). I have taken my son out to play with him a couple of times but only to public places.

In public places (like the time we went to McDonald's and the movies) he can still act stupid and not want to spend time with his son like he says. At the movies he ended up breaking (cracked the screen) my cell phone because I wouldn't get off of FB and CM and according to him I was ruining "our family time" and got mad when I said that it wasn't.

I don't want my son to grow up hating me. I don't want him to be like 13 or 14 and know that he hates me because he never knew his father so I'm trying to slowly integrate his father into his life but I know in my heart this will only lead to heartache for my son.

You know how in the movies where the dad always promises the kid to go out and even on here the same situation occurs and the dad never comes and the kid is left heartbroken and disappointed?? It would kill me to see my son hurt like that.

I would never allow my son to go out alone with. His "fiance" says that she doesn't allow him to take their 2 year old out by himself and he's been there since she was born. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I'm setting myself up for failure or what.

I want my son to learn how to be a man from a man but if the only man around is a no good one then what? I mean to  learn from my ex would be to learn that its ok to blame your faults on others, to depend on women to take care of you, to hit women, etc. I don't know what to do.

Replies

  • MIMIBRIE
    September 30, 2012 at 2:50 PM
    It seems like you're trying too hard. If others see him as unfit so should you. Every child deserves to have someone to look up to. Make his someone special that cares for him. He won't hate you. As long as you are doing your best raising him. Once kids get older they start to see what's going on for themselves. If he sees his father as being absent then he won't hold it against you. You can't make him a parent if he isn't willing to be one himself.
  • SexyDiva19
    September 30, 2012 at 3:40 PM

     He does want to be a father but I don't trust him. He's never been alone with him in his life. I don't agree with his morals/views and although I know I can't do anything about his viewpoint I don't want his views reflected onto my son. I want my son to be a better man.

    I was thinking about getting him into the big brother club or something.

    Quoting MIMIBRIE:

    It seems like you're trying too hard. If others see him as unfit so should you. Every child deserves to have someone to look up to. Make his someone special that cares for him. He won't hate you. As long as you are doing your best raising him. Once kids get older they start to see what's going on for themselves. If he sees his father as being absent then he won't hold it against you. You can't make him a parent if he isn't willing to be one himself.

     

  • m2b8609
    by m2b8609
    September 30, 2012 at 3:47 PM

    stop trying ! he broke ur cell phone for one what does that tell you especially if his own fiance doesnt let him take the daughter out alone. I would trust the judge. just leave it alone unless he files for custody. if he really wanted to know his son he would learn to control his temper. but its good your at least trying in some way 

  • SexyDiva19
    September 30, 2012 at 3:51 PM

     that's what I'm worried about though. If I don't let him see my son and then he takes me to court for custody, what would happen? Also, considering the fact that the judge THEN (in 2004 or 2005) told me to not allow my son around him and I have, would that make me less likely to gain full custody?

    He doesn't know how to control his temper, never has and at the rate never will. He just turned 27 2 days ago. When he hit me in 2004 they court ordered him to take anger management classes but he wouldn't do it.

    Quoting m2b8609:

    stop trying ! he broke ur cell phone for one what does that tell you especially if his own fiance doesnt let him take the daughter out alone. I would trust the judge. just leave it alone unless he files for custody. if he really wanted to know his son he would learn to control his temper. but its good your at least trying in some way 

     

  • MIMIBRIE
    September 30, 2012 at 5:20 PM
    You know what's best for him! You would never allow your soon to be in a situation in where he would intentionally be hurt. If you feel strongly that allowing his father to be in his life is what's best then don't let any one tell you otherwise.
    If it doesn't work out then I think a buddy would be a good idea!! That would give him some positive male influence in his life so that he can learn the right way.


    Quoting SexyDiva19:

     He does want to be a father but I don't trust him. He's never been alone with him in his life. I don't agree with his morals/views and although I know I can't do anything about his viewpoint I don't want his views reflected onto my son. I want my son to be a better man.


    I was thinking about getting him into the big brother club or something.


    Quoting MIMIBRIE:

    It seems like you're trying too hard. If others see him as unfit so should you. Every child deserves to have someone to look up to. Make his someone special that cares for him. He won't hate you. As long as you are doing your best raising him. Once kids get older they start to see what's going on for themselves. If he sees his father as being absent then he won't hold it against you. You can't make him a parent if he isn't willing to be one himself.

     

  • m2b8609
    by m2b8609
    September 30, 2012 at 5:35 PM

    no, do you think he will take you to court tho? if you havent document EVERYTHING! get witnesses and everything who can testify to who he is. If he hasnt taken his anger management classes and he takes you to court you can request he tkes them, and parenting classes and require supervised visitation. 

    Quoting SexyDiva19:

     that's what I'm worried about though. If I don't let him see my son and then he takes me to court for custody, what would happen? Also, considering the fact that the judge THEN (in 2004 or 2005) told me to not allow my son around him and I have, would that make me less likely to gain full custody?

    He doesn't know how to control his temper, never has and at the rate never will. He just turned 27 2 days ago. When he hit me in 2004 they court ordered him to take anger management classes but he wouldn't do it.

    Quoting m2b8609:

    stop trying ! he broke ur cell phone for one what does that tell you especially if his own fiance doesnt let him take the daughter out alone. I would trust the judge. just leave it alone unless he files for custody. if he really wanted to know his son he would learn to control his temper. but its good your at least trying in some way 

     


  • SexyDiva19
    September 30, 2012 at 7:27 PM

     I highly doubt he would EVER take me to court because he doesn't have the money for a lawyer (he doesn't even have a job), he has no stable place to stay and he knows that the odds are stacked against him with our history. The issue is though that's OUR history. He's bad mouthed me occasionally to my son telling him one time "Don't become stupid like your mother" but Idk.

    I have documented everything. I have the court papers, restraining orders, child support papers, recent text messages and recorded phone conversations. He won't take anger management because he doesn't think he has a problem. He feels that if he reacts out of anger, its the fault of the person who "provokes" him.

    Quoting m2b8609:

    no, do you think he will take you to court tho? if you havent document EVERYTHING! get witnesses and everything who can testify to who he is. If he hasnt taken his anger management classes and he takes you to court you can request he tkes them, and parenting classes and require supervised visitation. 

    Quoting SexyDiva19:

     that's what I'm worried about though. If I don't let him see my son and then he takes me to court for custody, what would happen? Also, considering the fact that the judge THEN (in 2004 or 2005) told me to not allow my son around him and I have, would that make me less likely to gain full custody?

    He doesn't know how to control his temper, never has and at the rate never will. He just turned 27 2 days ago. When he hit me in 2004 they court ordered him to take anger management classes but he wouldn't do it.

    Quoting m2b8609:

    stop trying ! he broke ur cell phone for one what does that tell you especially if his own fiance doesnt let him take the daughter out alone. I would trust the judge. just leave it alone unless he files for custody. if he really wanted to know his son he would learn to control his temper. but its good your at least trying in some way 

     

     

     

  • m2b8609
    by m2b8609
    September 30, 2012 at 9:16 PM

    then i think you should be safe. sounds like you have a good case against him if he does take you to court tho. and by you letting him see his father you arent preventing him. But if he isnt interested entirely id give it up. if not if its working for you now then just continue doing what your doing

  • mrsary
    by mrsary
    September 30, 2012 at 9:18 PM
    Bump
  • SexyDiva19
    October 1, 2012 at 6:52 AM

     that's the thing though. He "says" he wants to be a "father" but what he is really doing is trying to control me through my son. The issue is I don't know how this will affect my son. My ex is unstable and not the best role model in the world. He has no goals or motivation about anything. He's 27, has 3 kids with 3 different women, no job and going from couch to couch.

    I don't know if by being in my son's life he would cause more harm than good.

    Quoting m2b8609:

    then i think you should be safe. sounds like you have a good case against him if he does take you to court tho. and by you letting him see his father you arent preventing him. But if he isnt interested entirely id give it up. if not if its working for you now then just continue doing what your doing

     

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