I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.
Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.
I feel so discouraged.
So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.
I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.
Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?
And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?
This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.
Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.
I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.
Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.
This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.
Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.
My experioence is that I feel like people look down on me and feel sorry for me. "Poor little girl. She couldn't keep her man and now no one wants her." Ummm...my man couldn't keep me. He was horrible to me and my son and I left him. And no one wants me....Ummm I don't want anyone right now. I'm still dealing with the trauma of the last relationship. So not ready to pick up the pieces of the next guy.
Just venting too :)
by mommynacAugust 22, 2012 at 9:36 AM
I'm sorry. It's happened to me. But I'm not dating, and I don't currently have friends in my life who would do that.
by aahudsonAugust 22, 2012 at 9:38 AM
I know how you feel, times have changed but they haven't changed that much. It's hard but you just have to ignore it and keep you head up, try and make some new friends, and someone will come into your life. I have to say that I find this website very helpful. Helps me feel like I'm not alone. and I have to admit sometimes people assume I'm married and I just let them assume it. Sometimes its easier then seeing that look on their face when you say you are divorced.
I am a single mom and i say that without an ounce of shame. I work hard, i take care of my children, i hold my own and i look good doing it. i am very confident and regardless of anyones opinions on single motherhood, in reality it doesnt concern them.
I find that a lot of men have respect for what i do, i dont settle for just anyones bullsh*t and i walk with my head high. its perfectly natural to sometimes feel defeated and tired and all, but at the end of the day you are doing what you have to do to take care of your child.
Where do u go where this is happening? I have not experienced it but I get people blessing my kids like at restaurants the server will give them a treat for free or a stranger will give my son a $1 to spend or enough money so they can play a game or say my kids are cute. I find in my area people help out and want my kids to do well in life and I appreciate it a lot.
Now on the guys yes I think they think just because having kids and single means ur out to do whoever and assume u must be good at sex because u have kids and I am sick of that. Yes there are a lot of jerks out there and they do try to take advantage of the single mother and its sick. I am learning to stop helping guys out because they should be helping me out.
Keep ur head up and do what u do and don't listen to anyone.
I am right there with you. I know at the end of the day I am doing the best to take care of my kids and provide a better life for them. I am incredibly lonely at times but hold out hope that there are good men out there that will accept my family as a part of his life and not just me. I have raised my standards when it comes to men and not just any guy is going to get this amazing family. Thats what keeps me going is the hope that the right thing will happen. Until then getting over the stares and stereotyping is difficult but I look at it as it is making me a stronger mom.
(*These are my personal opinions*)-I only want to help and get you to feel better!
Don't EVER worry about what others say or think! For one we all have to make our own choices, single, married, divorced etc. There is only one judge & no child is a mistake but unplanned blessing! *(my opinion). *No one ever needs to "play" the victim role, just leave that situation, get medical help (if raped-go to hospital-have them take pics, do rape kit-that includes the emergency birth control to prevent "that act" of turning into pregnancy, if you are being hit or abused-they do go to work-pack what you can take kid(s) and leave-filing police report once you get to shelter, if being cheated on leave or go to counseling if you feel its worth saving)-I have been in most of these situations-I didnt feel victimized I left and never looked back. I forgave and moved on.
So the point is, do not feel shame, humilated or "trashy", just bc there are women that are single parents do not make them anything more or less than a mother!
People just need to keep negative comments to themselves, its one thing to offer up advice/tips/opinions, but dont assume bad things about anyone or make rude/nasty comments bc of how someone chooses to live.
I really hope you get some advice/support you are looking for, I hope everything turns around for the best! Good luck and remember - its your life and we all have only one life to live!
start by not focusing on what the dad is doing. its a non factor. focus on you and the kid.
be discerning when you date. yes, some ppl think single moms are losers. instead of feeling shame, feel defiance. who the fuck are they to judge? then just look down your nose at these ppl.
not all men think we are losers. be discerning when you date. nine times out of ten, we can figure out who thinks we are desperate and who wants a piece of easy ass if we pay attention. dont allow yourself to be drawn into sexual conversations. do not go on a date unless its in public and hes paying. dont fuck on the third date. just play the game and be discerning and eventually you will find someone. we gotta weed out a lot of dicks before we meet a good guy, and thats for women without kids too.
I have experience many of the same things your describing not just from "others" or outsiders but from family and those who were my "close" friends. I was married. My ex husband made bad choices and went to prison and is still currently residing there and will return when release and is permanently a sex offender. This was not my fault BUT that doesn't change that I CHOSE to divorce him knowing my extremely religious family would not approve. I also have found given the neighborhood I live in and where my kids go to school, single mom is a oddity not "the norm". So my daughter gets as many questions as I do. I work, go to school and have yet to miss a single one of their school or extra curicular activities. I pay my bills, I have some debt from student loans but nothing outragious, and my kids eat three healthy meals a day, have clean clothes that fit (they may not be designer or high fashion), and we live in a nice house (its not the biggest or nicest house on the block but its clean and has a roof, walls, heat, electric and running water) There are people who are going to be narrow minded and treat you differently which is unfortunate for them because they will never get to know you.
As for dating BE PICKY!! If they treat you that way dismiss and move on. There are men that will think all those things but just like women there are some good some bad. There are good men out there and not all of them dismiss a woman for being a single mom (some of them could be single dads too because not all women are good) Treat a date like an interview determine who is good enough for you and your kid(s) and then try.