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I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...
August 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM

I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.


  • sweetsorrow2
    August 23, 2012 at 6:59 AM
    Omg I can totally relate! What gives the man the right to walk away so easily, while we are left to grieve, pick up the pieces and raise our families alone????? I have a lot of anger at my ex for leaving me and taking the easy way out. A primary reason he left was because he "couldn't handle" my 9 year old that had ADHD and Aspergers. He is a good hearted kid and loved him (still loves him!) very much. And he walked away to be able to live the easy life. And here I am pregnant, with two other kids. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and wonder what other people think all the time about my situation. All I can do to keep from it depressing me so much I want to kill myself (yes it's been that bad before) is that anger that I will prove all these b";&&es wrong. I will overcome no matter what challenge I am facing being on my own, I will prove to everyone that I can get my degree and get a good job and support my kids on my own. It is a long rocky road and I'm sure to get some looks and comments along the way but I'm not letting anyone destroy what I am building. A man brought me down but he sure as hell isn't going to be the one to keep my down. Keep your head up and let them talk, in the end you need to prove to yourself that you are doing the right thing, and it will show to others. And like they say "those who don't mind matter, and those who do mind don't matter."
  • singletiredmom
    August 23, 2012 at 7:05 AM
    My bf tells me all the time how much respect he has for me. He tells me doesn't think he could do it. At the end of my work day I still have kids to feed and care for. So, there are men out there who will give you the respect you deserve but they are hard to find. Not just because men don't respect single women but because there are not too many good men out there. At least not at my age.
  • sweetsorrow2
    August 23, 2012 at 7:09 AM
    I'm sorry but you CANNOT relate to her. Have you ever been pregnant and single???? Have you ever taken your kids out to a nice restaurant only to have them ignore your for minutes on end not only at the front but at your table because they are waiting for "your husband" to show??? Im sorry but the looks you get while pregnant are nothing compared to just being alone. You have no idea, I think even single moms have a hard time relating to how it feels to being single and pregnant. So please back off, you're showing your ignorance.

    Quoting Liyoness:

    What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

    I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.

    Quoting Singlemominit:

    I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!

    I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

    people. fucking. suck.

  • NOLAmommaKRYS
    August 23, 2012 at 7:49 AM

    My experience is pretty similar. My biggest problem is that because I'm a single mom, people think I can't financially supprt me and my daughter. They think I need a man to come take care of me and support me financially. NO, I need a man who can come in and work WITH me at a relationship and want to be with ME. Who understands that I don't NEED him, but I WANT him and that's two different things. Everyone keeps telling me I need a man .. and it makes me so mad. I don't NEED anything, the only thing I NEED is my daughter.

  • Tea4Tas
    by Tea4Tas
    August 23, 2012 at 7:56 AM

    I am a soingle Mom with 4 kids and have never seen any of this ever. Perhaps it's because I am older and was married 20 years?  The ONLY thing that ever came close was when I was talking to the Dance choreographer for my younger daughter's dance troupe, and he mentioned the costumes we would need..then he told me they had some she could borrow if money was an issue...I told him that TIME was an issue, but that I would go over the specs with my daughter and send her off to the mall (she was 15 and old enough to mall it alone (or with friends)

    2 days notice-really?

  • Tea4Tas
    by Tea4Tas
    August 23, 2012 at 7:59 AM

    Quoting sweetsorrow2:

    I'm sorry but you CANNOT relate to her. Have you ever been pregnant and single???? Have you ever taken your kids out to a nice restaurant only to have them ignore your for minutes on end not only at the front but at your table because they are waiting for "your husband" to show???

    Never.  I state my party's size and I have never had to wait.  I go out to eat at least once a week.  To be fair I go to some of the same places, and tip very well, but even when new and unknown I never had to wait.  Hell I go to lunch alone sometimes and  I neve r   have to wait.

  • cholita1978
    August 23, 2012 at 8:37 AM

     Stop worrying about what other people think, I'm a single mom and I have experienced the "looks & pity" from some married moms, I just ignore them, I work hard to provide for my dd, and I'm proud to say that I do it all on my own, I don't worry about what her dad does, I know he's living his life as a single care-free man but that's his problem, when I got pregnant my mentality changed completely, before that I used to think that I couldn't live w/o a man by my side, but after I had dd I realize how strong a woman can be if she puts her mind to it, & doesn't feel sorry for herself & puts her big girl panties on :-)

    I am not dating at all, I try to keep myself busy currently working on my bachelor's degree, taking dd to her after school activities, and also on the weekends that I have free dd and I travel to different states (we call it our mini road trips)  so keep your head high, ignore the assholes, good luck.

  • Mommyof2n0308
    August 23, 2012 at 9:10 AM

    I dont know. Maybe its something that comes with time.  Ive been a single Mom since I became a Mom and I know no body else. I have yet to meet a guy that my children deserve as a Daddy,or to have as a husband. 

    Im fine with that,and I dont care what people  think.  Theres a lot more to judge me on than my single mom status. 

  • poppysgirl3
    August 23, 2012 at 9:31 AM

    Agree. My ex was abusive and I left when he hurt our dd but he can run all over and rarely see his kids and get all the support in the world from people playing the poor me with a "bitch" ex card and I get all the responsability and none of the credit. I have however found someone that respects my kids and I and has shown us there is definatly someone out there worth the wait. I hope you find your prince charming soon. I had stopped looking when I found him and just took on the saying "Let Go and Let God"..... 

  • CutieCrab
    August 23, 2012 at 9:36 AM
    I understand :-(

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