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Blue_Spiral
I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...
August 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM



I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










Replies

  • cheyannsmommy
    August 23, 2012 at 1:56 AM

    I hate the double standard that if a man has kids, it's ok, but if a woman has kids then it's "baggage." 

    My first daughter passed away when she was 2 days old. This guy I was seeing had the nerve to say she was "unwanted baggage" and that it was a strike against us having kids together since she passed away. He had a son that was 1 month older than my daughter would of been. 

    Quoting Blue_Spiral:


    Isn't that awful how people assume you don't know the father? lol Jeez. I'm not a whore!

    People have implied things like, that I must have had so much sex I forgot to use condoms, etc. and all kind of stupid garbage.

    It's weird how a woman gets pregnant and it's all her fault and her responsibility but if a man has ten kids whom he never sees, he's considered the same as before he had one child.

    My mother told me that if I had a child out of wedlock that she would disown me and it wouldn't be her grandchild in her eyes. Bizarre, because me mom and I are sooo close.

    I ended up doing the big wedding thing, thinking I married the man of my dreams, etc. so sometimes I wonder how she REALLY would have reacted if I had gotten pregnant accidentally.


    Quoting cheyannsmommy:

    My daughter's "father" bounced out when I was 5 weeks pregnant. She's now almost 8 weeks and I still haven't heard from him. I can't count how many Maury jokes I got. Yes, my pregnancy was a complete surprise, but that doesn't mean I don't know who the father is. He's in the Army, I think it's wrong that he's willing to die for complete strangers, but abandoned his own flesh and blood. 

    My family on the other hand has been so supportive of my decision to keep her and has helped out tremendously. My grandparents are very strict Christians and my grandpa is a very strict Catholic. I was very worried about their reactions, but not once have they ever asked about her father. They don't care. They love her regardless. 

    Brush off the ignorant comments as much as you can and give yourself a pat on the back. Being a single mother is so much harder than anyone thinks. You're doing a great job. 



  • Singlemominit
    August 23, 2012 at 1:57 AM

    Because they usually can see my hand...and that Im usually out with my mom. It also might be the fact that I look like im 17. Regardless, you get looks while you are pregnant. Especially when people come up and ask how excited the dad must be, when I tell them hes not around...then they ask where my husband is. Some people...are just fucking stupid

    Quoting Liyoness:

    What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

    I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.

    Quoting Singlemominit:

    I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!


    I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

    people. fucking. suck.



  • justone_jen
    August 23, 2012 at 2:04 AM

     Just want to offer hugs. Stay positive. :) 

  • moosesmom
    August 23, 2012 at 2:05 AM

    Oh man, do I know that feeling. The most important thing is, you know that you do not fit into any of those stereotypes. People will ALWAYS have something to say about you; whether it be good or bad. You're just lacking that confidence that you once had. Don't doubt yourself. Hold you your head up high mama. Don't be discouraged. But you're doing the right thing. Let it out. Vent. And let it go :-)

  • justone_jen
    August 23, 2012 at 2:10 AM

    Really? You've never noticed while pregnant that people look at your belly and then immediately at your ring finger? I'm guilty of it myself, if I'm to be completely honest. I don't judge anyone who doesn't have a ring on, but I'm just curious, I guess.

    Quoting Liyoness:

    What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

    I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.

    Quoting Singlemominit:

    I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!

     

    I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

    people. fucking. suck.

     

     

  • jjchick75
    August 23, 2012 at 2:42 AM

    I was a single mom for 10 years. My husband was killed in accident at work 6 weeks after we found out I was pregnant. I didn't date anyone for 5 years. I had offers but most of them were men who wanted to fly in and be the big hero and save the day for my daughter and I. I didn't need or want that. They couldn't fix what happened and so many of them seemed to think they could. I had one tell me "I can make you forget all about your first husband if you give me a chance!" Needless to say he didn't get that chance. I didn't have time really to worry about what other people thought. I was going to school and working for the vast majority of the first 3.5 years of my daughters life.

    My thoughts are focus on your child. You take care of your child and make that your number 1 priority. Screw what anyone else thinks, they don't know you, they don't know where you've been, therefore their opinions don't matter! If the man is good enough for you to date, he'll love your child too. If he doesn't love your child, he isn't worth your time anyway. 

  • mrsary
    by mrsary
    August 23, 2012 at 2:44 AM
    My kids Pediatrician & my kids counselors continue to talk down about me working outside of the home. The Pediatrician always has something to say negative when I bring my kids in. Smh. People pity me too but I don't want it!
  • candymandy
    August 23, 2012 at 5:33 AM


    I am right there with you hun.

    I'm doubly stupid I have 2 kids by 2 different dads, and when you see my boys together its very obvious.

    Some people do judge me. Some guys also think I'm easy because I'm in need of a man to come and "pick up the pieces of my shattered life!" They can pretend to me interested in me and my kids for a bit, but it usually just comes down to sex.

    Or they think I must be a child support woman, using her kids child support to get my nails done. Yes I have fake nails; no I get absolutely no child support I buy EVERYTHING with my own money.

    People who actually get to know me figure me out. My husband passed away, I couldn't have more kids with him like I had planned. I fell in love with someone. It didn't work it out. I kicked him out. And for the last 10 months I have been juggling a home business, a regular job, and a 4 year old and a 10 months old. On my own.

    Truly the people that don't even want to get to know my story are not worth my time anyway.

    I've also had to drop a lot of friends. Ladies that I was close to. But come to realize they would just patiently wait for their exs to come get the kids so they could go out partying, and would yell at me for not coming out anymore.. It's like do you not see I don't have baby daddies to take my boys. I save my daycare money for when I have to work, not to get trashed and feel like crap in the mrning.


  • Two_Hearts
    August 23, 2012 at 6:10 AM

    This has been my avatar for a while now ...it rings a lot of truth.

    And yes , there are many people that look down on single mom's ...they think that single moms are being selfish , by not giving their child a two parent home...

    But what a lot of people do not realize is that sometime's its better for the child that way ...because if two people can not get a long , than the child is just living in a negative environment ..and that can do more damage emotionally. 

    Be strong ..keep doing what you are doing ..because you are doing a great job!

  • unknownstar
    August 23, 2012 at 6:45 AM


    Quoting Newfie_Mom:

    I have experience many of the same things your describing not just from "others" or outsiders but from family and those who were my "close" friends. I was married. My ex husband made bad choices and went to prison and is still currently residing there and will return when release and is permanently a sex offender. This was not my fault BUT that doesn't change that I CHOSE to divorce him knowing my extremely religious family would not approve. I also have found given the neighborhood I live in and where my kids go to school, single mom is a oddity not "the norm". So my daughter gets as many questions as I do. I work, go to school and have yet to miss a single one of their school or extra curricular activities. I pay my bills, I have some debt from student loans but nothing outrageous, and my kids eat three healthy meals a day, have clean clothes that fit (they may not be designer or high fashion), and we live in a nice house (its not the biggest or nicest house on the block but its clean and has a roof, walls, heat, electric and running water) There are people who are going to be narrow minded and treat you differently which is unfortunate for them because they will never get to know you.

    As for dating BE PICKY!! If they treat you that way dismiss and move on. There are men that will think all those things but just like women there are some good some bad. There are good men out there and not all of them dismiss a woman for being a single mom (some of them could be single dads too because not all women are good) Treat a date like an interview determine who is good enough for you and your kid(s) and then try.   

    i agree, i dated for 2 years before i found my bf of 4 years. it pays off to be picky. i got the same thing too when i left my husband.there was no way i was going to be his punching bag. 

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