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Blue_Spiral
I'm feeling overwhelmed with the discrimination...
August 22, 2012 at 6:28 AM



I guess I just need to vent a little, find a shoulder to cry on where I'll be understood.

Lately it seems like everywhere I turn, I mean EVERYWHERE, I'm faced with some stereotyping about single moms.

I feel so discouraged.

So many people seem to think that I must have been irresponsible, or slutty or stupid or selfish, or a horrible wife.

I've even heard someone say single mothers shouldn't expect some man to pick up the pieces of her bad choices. It makes me feel ashamed that I even want to remarry.

Why do they automatically assume we all made some terrible choices?

And even if some of us did, are we not allowed to make mistakes?

This all leads to the rampant blaming of the woman, and sympathizing with the man. Not all men are bad and not all women are good, but it WAS that way in my situation, yet people, especially men are very wary of me. They think I'm trashy and ignorant.

Every guy I date or almost date thinks they can just use me because I'm desperate. I'm not desperate at all, but I'm starting to feel shame and humiliation right off the bat with a guy, because I'm scared that's what he's thinking.

I feel like I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead that says something opposite of what I really am inside.

Sometimes I feel anger for my ex, not just for all the cruel things he did to me intentionally, but the fact that he is off having the time of his life, leaving me with all the responsibilities, and yet *I'M* seen as irresponsible. It's so ironic.

This obviously isn't everyone's experience and I know the way to overcome it is to be positive, happy, successful, proud and most of all just be the person I know I am, with or without a husband and fancy house.

Until I conquer this, I just needed to share these feelings while I'm feeling them.










Replies

  • cheyannsmommy
    August 23, 2012 at 12:34 AM

    My daughter's "father" bounced out when I was 5 weeks pregnant. She's now almost 8 weeks and I still haven't heard from him. I can't count how many Maury jokes I got. Yes, my pregnancy was a complete surprise, but that doesn't mean I don't know who the father is. He's in the Army, I think it's wrong that he's willing to die for complete strangers, but abandoned his own flesh and blood. 

    My family on the other hand has been so supportive of my decision to keep her and has helped out tremendously. My grandparents are very strict Christians and my grandpa is a very strict Catholic. I was very worried about their reactions, but not once have they ever asked about her father. They don't care. They love her regardless. 

    Brush off the ignorant comments as much as you can and give yourself a pat on the back. Being a single mother is so much harder than anyone thinks. You're doing a great job. 

  • Singlemominit
    August 23, 2012 at 1:10 AM

    I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!


    I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

    people. fucking. suck.

  • raven1114
    August 23, 2012 at 1:13 AM

    I'm not a single mom but I will say that anyone who thinks that about a person just because they are a single mom isn't worth your time.

  • Liyoness
    August 23, 2012 at 1:24 AM

    Playing Devil's Advocate:

    If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

    Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!

  • Liyoness
    August 23, 2012 at 1:31 AM

    What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

    I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.

    Quoting Singlemominit:

    I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!


    I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

    people. fucking. suck.


  • Blue_Spiral
    August 23, 2012 at 1:40 AM


    Well, in my case I frequent a lot of the same places regularly, so after a while people started to realize I'm single.

    One, I'm ALWAYS without a guy and two, we get talking often and it gets obvious during conversation (like with cashiers, neighbors, other employees, etc.)

    They're total strangers but I have felt judged once they realize I'm a single mom.

    My upstrairs neighbor, for example, is a single guy and in my opinion he's much better looking than me, but he flirts with me and somehow it feels degrading, even though you'd think I'd be flattered. After a while he started to look at me in that way, like, "Ah, I bet I know your story." 

    Yeah, I'm reading into it, but I'm also too intelligent to just not recognize how people look at me.

    Quoting Liyoness:

    What do you mean you get "looks" when out in public? How would anyone know you're single? My DH works away from home and we are rarely seen in public together! (In fact, my coworkers just met him recently after me working for the company for five years!) No one ever gives me "looks", although I'm sure at stores I'm a "regular" at, some must assume it.

    I think sometimes people (such as yourself) read too much into things.

    Quoting Singlemominit:

    I totally know how you feel girly. My little one hasnt gotten here yet but everywhere I go...always with the looks. I had one man ask me which path to hell Ive chosen! And in my situation...the dad walked off. Turns out (I found out he has a son and I tracked down the mom) hes all sorts of crazy. Yet...Im the one that gets the looks. His grandmother literally thinks he is a saint and blames it on us, the mothers. I had a user on here see my name and saw that I was pregnant and she goes wait...youre single AND pregnant? yes I am, so fucking what? its 2012 PEOPLE!!


    I had a family friend laugh when I told him my situation and said 'good luck ever finding a man that wants you now. I know if I was single, I wouldnt even look at you because you have another mans child and he didnt stick around'

    people. fucking. suck.



  • dre_bunny
    August 23, 2012 at 1:42 AM

    I know guys in our town think this way of single moms. So, the way I see it, when someone wants to get serioius, they should come to you. That way you don't seem 'desperate.' You just carry on with your life. Stereotypes are always gonna be there, it's up to you to prove them wrong.

  • Blue_Spiral
    August 23, 2012 at 1:44 AM


    That's hurtful.

    I don't choose those kinds of guys.

    First of all, "those kind of guys" come to me and I blow them off. I don't stand for it.

    Second, when I do find a guy who seems kind and responsible he's too "self respecting" to date a single mother. They either think I'm going to take advantage of them, or they are too embarrassed to show me off to friends or family because of the judgment they would get.

    Men have told me this straight forward.

    Quoting Liyoness:

    Playing Devil's Advocate:

    If you're continuing to choose these kinds of guys, doesn't that kind of give the impression that you do make bad choices?

    Why keep repeating the same mistake over and over again? Choose a different type of guy!


  • Blue_Spiral
    August 23, 2012 at 1:51 AM


    Isn't that awful how people assume you don't know the father? lol Jeez. I'm not a whore!

    People have implied things like, that I must have had so much sex I forgot to use condoms, etc. and all kind of stupid garbage.

    It's weird how a woman gets pregnant and it's all her fault and her responsibility but if a man has ten kids whom he never sees, he's considered the same as before he had one child.

    My mother told me that if I had a child out of wedlock that she would disown me and it wouldn't be her grandchild in her eyes. Bizarre, because me mom and I are sooo close.

    I ended up doing the big wedding thing, thinking I married the man of my dreams, etc. so sometimes I wonder how she REALLY would have reacted if I had gotten pregnant accidentally.


    Quoting cheyannsmommy:

    My daughter's "father" bounced out when I was 5 weeks pregnant. She's now almost 8 weeks and I still haven't heard from him. I can't count how many Maury jokes I got. Yes, my pregnancy was a complete surprise, but that doesn't mean I don't know who the father is. He's in the Army, I think it's wrong that he's willing to die for complete strangers, but abandoned his own flesh and blood. 

    My family on the other hand has been so supportive of my decision to keep her and has helped out tremendously. My grandparents are very strict Christians and my grandpa is a very strict Catholic. I was very worried about their reactions, but not once have they ever asked about her father. They don't care. They love her regardless. 

    Brush off the ignorant comments as much as you can and give yourself a pat on the back. Being a single mother is so much harder than anyone thinks. You're doing a great job. 


  • mmtosam06
    August 23, 2012 at 1:53 AM

    hugs momma 

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