The CafeMom Newcomers Club

Featured Posts
Imjustinsmommy
Neglect ?
August 30, 2013 at 4:30 PM

 I have a friend  who is a mom  & suffers from  depression.  were close friends online ( not on cafemom she isn't a member) and we  chat on the phone    . she lives in  California & im in NY so we don't see eachother..

 anyway,   here's the situtaion she has 2 kids  a 1 yr dd  & a 7 yr ds &    she confided in me that she's been struggling wither her depression  since her divorce last yr was final. 

 her  ex & her  are on  " ok" terms . he works ft as he always has & the kids stay with her.

 her parents help her out with $ too & babysit at times.

 she  sleeps in in the morning & says her ds manages  ok he  can grab fruit & a drink & if  he really needs her or wakes her  she does get up but mostly this  poor kid is waking up to being alone while she sleeps. he watches tv & plays with his toys nicely & is a pretty smart & good kid.     her dd tends to sleep in a bit and  finally gets up about 9 am but she todl me she rolls over & falls back to sleep w/o even truly realizing it she  is just so tired & blah.. & the baby either just plays in the crib or falls back to sleep for a bit &  she said she usually gets the baby around 10am or so.

 im floored bc MY son  would NEVER let me sleep OMG &  he needs help with everything  but he is different & younger he is 5 ...   she feels super guilty &  gets up gets them both what  they need  feeds the baby changes him throws  a load of laundry in does a few things  then just lays ont he couch wacthing them play &   even drifts into sleep again!!

 she is not on any meds &  I assume being so tired is from depression.

 she doesnt eat much & she does bath them at night & feed  dinner & read them books &  stuff but basically the mornings they both wait around & in the day   she has been mostly  laying around on the couch.

 i told her to get more help or  something but she is scared  she will be seen as unfit or that this is  neglect. i told her not doing  anything would be worse..  but im not sure how bad this really is.. im not there & i only know what she tells me. she is honest with  me & didnt even need to tell me this.. it sounds crappy but im not sure these kids are  " neglected" my mom was menatlly unwell & i also fended for myself as a kid often while she slept the day away but we had plenty to eat, play with & she wasnt abusive..

 idk what  to do & i dont  want to get her in trouble or mad at me. 

 what woudl you do? do you think this is neglect or  bad?

Replies

  • MamaTinie
    August 30, 2013 at 5:11 PM

    Its not. Her kids are healthy and she takes care of them best she can. let her know if she gets help she can be an even better mother and her and the kids will be happier. Best thing for her to do would be to go on antidepressents. no one will take her children because of her being depressed.

  • happymommy1105
    August 30, 2013 at 5:20 PM

    I hace depression and honestly, I have days where it is hard to function but I also seek help. 

    My oldest is 7 and he gets up at 5am, but the rule in the house is nobody is allowed out of their room til 8 am (mostly because I know he is not done sleeping and if he is allowed to come out of his room, he won't go back to sleep and be a grouch all day).  He will usually drift off back to sleep which makes for a happier day all the way around. 

    My youngest is 9 months.  When he gets up around 830am, I get up and make breakfast.  My 7 year old, is allowed a small snack between 8-830.  He does come wake me up at 8 when he gets up and he gets a snack.  

    then we spend all day homeschooling and doing chores around  the house. Both my kids eat 3 hot meals a day and 2 snacks.  They are very loved and very well cared for.  

    Do I think this mother is wrong?  Only if she doesn't seek help because I have been there.  Everybody will happier when she seeks help.  

  • MomOf3AngelBabe
    August 30, 2013 at 5:32 PM

    I would talk to her about seeing a doc and potentially gettting on meds for depression. It is something MANY of us have gone through and she can be helped. Tell her you care about her, you care about the kids and only want the best for all of them.Its not going to be easy but she CAN come out of this. Being a good friend to her right now is really important. ;)

  • AmiJanell
    August 30, 2013 at 5:53 PM

    I would encourage her again to go and get help... her doctor isn't going to do an investigation in her life and check on the welfare of her children... all she has to do is simply see someone and tell them about her depression, tell them it's affecting her life and her ability to care for herself and her children... and they will give her meds! 

    If he feels that the depression is bad enough she would like to be hospitalized, have her talk to her family and have them take the kids for a few weeks while she gets help. 

    She is much more likely to loose her children and been seen as unfit if she does NOTHING... than if she takes the steps to get help. 

    her story sounds every much like my friends mother growing up... all she was able to do is sleep, hardly ate anything and spent the day on the couch watching TV when she was awake.  The kids took care of themselves... (dad was at work during the day) My friend would cook meals for herself and her younger brother, do laundry, clean up around the house... it was about the same exact age difference as well.  Her little brother, by 3 years old was able to make himself simple meals of toast, PB&J or cereal... he would also open canned pastas and eat them cold (he didn't want it warmed).  And despite the lack of attention during the day, the kids did well... they never got into trouble, were very intelligent and did well in school.... maybe because they learned responsibility at a young age!   They did have there dad though... he worked during the day, but he was a great dad... very involved. 

  • glorytojehovah
    August 30, 2013 at 5:55 PM

    She needs you more than ever to just be an ear and an encouragement to her. I will say a prayer for her.

  • Imjustinsmommy
    August 30, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    that's what i figured & tell her  btu I guess it harder to  hear when you feel as she does.  thanks

    Quoting MamaTinie:

    Its not. Her kids are healthy and she takes care of them best she can. let her know if she gets help she can be an even better mother and her and the kids will be happier. Best thing for her to do would be to go on antidepressents. no one will take her children because of her being depressed.


  • Imjustinsmommy
    August 30, 2013 at 8:45 PM

    thanks..  i told her many moms get this way I have anxiety bad & days that it runs me down. not to her extent maybe & also my kids wouldnt let me sleep past 7 am if im lucky even lol but i also grew up in a home like her kids & yes i agree they know their loved she doesnt abuse them she is just depressed & sleeps alot & I do  feel bad they sorta lay around waiting for her to get up & dont do much all day but  some kids do so much all day &  get abused or nto shown love. i feel bad. she is so hesitant to let anyone know her ex & stuff bc  she fears it will  make her look bad. i have therapy for my anxiety im married though btu i guess i can understand her paranoia. i think its also part of her depression. her ex i doubt would try to take them away.

    Quoting happymommy1105:

    I hace depression and honestly, I have days where it is hard to function but I also seek help. 

    My oldest is 7 and he gets up at 5am, but the rule in the house is nobody is allowed out of their room til 8 am (mostly because I know he is not done sleeping and if he is allowed to come out of his room, he won't go back to sleep and be a grouch all day).  He will usually drift off back to sleep which makes for a happier day all the way around. 

    My youngest is 9 months.  When he gets up around 830am, I get up and make breakfast.  My 7 year old, is allowed a small snack between 8-830.  He does come wake me up at 8 when he gets up and he gets a snack.  

    then we spend all day homeschooling and doing chores around  the house. Both my kids eat 3 hot meals a day and 2 snacks.  They are very loved and very well cared for.  

    Do I think this mother is wrong?  Only if she doesn't seek help because I have been there.  Everybody will happier when she seeks help.  


  • Imjustinsmommy
    August 30, 2013 at 8:47 PM

    thanks, I try  to call her & be there as much as possible  its hard bc im a sahm with 2 lo's i wish i could be there more for  her & i wish she'd look for help. but im  here as a friend as much as i possibly can

    Quoting glorytojehovah:

    She needs you more than ever to just be an ear and an encouragement to her. I will say a prayer for her.


  • Imjustinsmommy
    August 30, 2013 at 8:54 PM

    I also grew up like   this as well  bc of my mom & i agree you learn young to fend for yourself. i dont think she thinks the dr will investigate her she  thinks just going will look bad & also that her  ex will know which  he doesnt right now what her days are like.

     i see a therapist for anxiety i get days kinda like hers but not the sleeping just being not very  moticated & present bc im having too much anxiety my kids wouldnt care for themselves or ever let me sleep but i told her its normal for many moms to  go throught his stuff & i personally dont think her ex would try to take them away.. i think its just her depression that is causing these thoughts & fears. i keep telling her but i also dont wanna push her. bc she gets upset.

    Quoting AmiJanell:

    I would encourage her again to go and get help... her doctor isn't going to do an investigation in her life and check on the welfare of her children... all she has to do is simply see someone and tell them about her depression, tell them it's affecting her life and her ability to care for herself and her children... and they will give her meds! 

    If he feels that the depression is bad enough she would like to be hospitalized, have her talk to her family and have them take the kids for a few weeks while she gets help. 

    She is much more likely to loose her children and been seen as unfit if she does NOTHING... than if she takes the steps to get help. 

    her story sounds every much like my friends mother growing up... all she was able to do is sleep, hardly ate anything and spent the day on the couch watching TV when she was awake.  The kids took care of themselves... (dad was at work during the day) My friend would cook meals for herself and her younger brother, do laundry, clean up around the house... it was about the same exact age difference as well.  Her little brother, by 3 years old was able to make himself simple meals of toast, PB&J or cereal... he would also open canned pastas and eat them cold (he didn't want it warmed).  And despite the lack of attention during the day, the kids did well... they never got into trouble, were very intelligent and did well in school.... maybe because they learned responsibility at a young age!   They did have there dad though... he worked during the day, but he was a great dad... very involved. 


  • happymommy1105
    August 30, 2013 at 9:08 PM

    Her seeking help cannot be used against her in a custody battle!! Her medical records are NOT her ex husband's business and unless he can prove she is a threat to the children a judge will not unseal them. 

    I have been through a custody battle.  It will work out.  

    Seeking help is always a positive thing!

    Quoting Imjustinsmommy:

    thanks..  i told her many moms get this way I have anxiety bad & days that it runs me down. not to her extent maybe & also my kids wouldnt let me sleep past 7 am if im lucky even lol but i also grew up in a home like her kids & yes i agree they know their loved she doesnt abuse them she is just depressed & sleeps alot & I do  feel bad they sorta lay around waiting for her to get up & dont do much all day but  some kids do so much all day &  get abused or nto shown love. i feel bad. she is so hesitant to let anyone know her ex & stuff bc  she fears it will  make her look bad. i have therapy for my anxiety im married though btu i guess i can understand her paranoia. i think its also part of her depression. her ex i doubt would try to take them away.

    Quoting happymommy1105:

    I hace depression and honestly, I have days where it is hard to function but I also seek help. 

    My oldest is 7 and he gets up at 5am, but the rule in the house is nobody is allowed out of their room til 8 am (mostly because I know he is not done sleeping and if he is allowed to come out of his room, he won't go back to sleep and be a grouch all day).  He will usually drift off back to sleep which makes for a happier day all the way around. 

    My youngest is 9 months.  When he gets up around 830am, I get up and make breakfast.  My 7 year old, is allowed a small snack between 8-830.  He does come wake me up at 8 when he gets up and he gets a snack.  

    then we spend all day homeschooling and doing chores around  the house. Both my kids eat 3 hot meals a day and 2 snacks.  They are very loved and very well cared for.  

    Do I think this mother is wrong?  Only if she doesn't seek help because I have been there.  Everybody will happier when she seeks help.  



The CafeMom Newcomers Club

Active Posts in All Groups
More Active Posts
Featured Posts in All Groups
More Featured Posts