The long and short of this situation is, I met this girl when I was 17 (nearly 18), through the guy I was dating. They had been friends for sometime. My relationship with him ended, but I remained friends with her. Well, shortly after I split up with him, I got a phone call from her saying "Oh we're together now, we're moving to Kentucky." She already had a little girl and then they had a son together. I lost contact with her for a while but after we started talking (maybe about 3 years later) she told me that the reason she left him is because he got sent to prison for child sex abuse. I was glad that she was away from him, not just for sake, but for her children's sake as well. Fast forward to last weekend-she and I were talking online and she told me that he was out of prison and had written to her, begging her to believe him that he was innocent and begging to be in his son's life and trying to get back with her. She asked me what I thought, so I point blank told her "Steer clear of him, he's bad news." That's what I thought. I was honest with her. She seemed to agree. Now tonight she tells me that she has seen "proof" from him that he was innocent and she knows for a FACT that he never messed with her daughter (now keep in mind, this man was accused AND convicted of raping a child under the age of 5, and at the time they were together, her daughter was only about 2 or 3). She's all of a sudden "torn" she doesn't know what to do, she still loves him, and she believes him that he never did anything he was accused of. I told her tonight not to EVER mention my name to this man-I want nothing to do with him, he's scum in my eyes. After me saying that she STILL wants my advice on whether or not she should not only let him into his son's life and back into her daughter's life, but she keeps asking me if she should give him a second chance. I don't know what to say. Do I tell her to work it out on her own, or tell her what I think? I really don't think she's going to listen if I tell her "don't do it" so in a sense I may be wasting my time, but I'm so concerned that she is putting her kids at risk. She and her children live with her parents (she has MS and her parents have custody of her kids). I really am not sure what to say to her. What do you think?
***I've spoken my peace on the matter, I've laid out what I had in my heart to this girl and she still thinks it's the right thing to do. Her parents have PERMANENT custody of her two children. A week ago, she point blank just asked me what I thought of it. I said "I don't think you should have anything to do with him at all. He's a registered sex offender and you are putting your children in harms way." She didn't agree. Now she's moving from Clanton, AL to Kentucky to be with him. She said he has his own place and they are both ready to "make this work". I point blank told her "Do NOT ever even think about bringing the freak around me EVER" Her response? "Okay, I have to get off of Facebook now so I can call him. Goodnight." I'm done. I'll be her friend on Facebook and I'll be her friend but I won't allow her around my house (Luckily she doesn't know where I live and luckily the kids are staying with her parents.) I just don't understand this girl. I think she is making a HUGE mistake but what can I do? Lord be with her is all I can say***
I would just be honest. And tell her directly.
"Listen, I'm going to be honest. I do not think you should give him a second chance. What if he's not innocent... What happens if he touches your daughter... Could you live with yourself?... I couldn't. "
And be done with it. She either takes your words into consideration or she doesn't. But you did the right thing by telling her your feelings & putting it out there. She can never say you didn't tell her not too.
But I'm not one to tip toe around stuff.
by TexanMomOf6August 25, 2013 at 12:13 AM
I suggest printing out the pertinent laws regarding sex offenders and handing her a copy. Since her parents have custody of the kids, she can leave without them and go with him if she wants. If she allows her kids around him, she can be charged with endangering them. I wonder if she wants to go to jail/prison?
by trainladyAugust 25, 2013 at 6:48 AM
If her parents have custody of her children because of her illness it is up to them if this guy is allowed back into his son's life and have anything to do with her daughter. She doesn't have anything to say about it. The best he can get is supervised visits to his son. If her parents are good parents they won't let him anywhere near her and her daughter. Her illness may have a bearing on her feelings towards him. She is feeling vulnerable and needs the affection and attention she thinks she is going to get from him. But the rest of what she is going to get could very well exasperate her illness and cause far more harm that she could ever anticipate. Tell her what you think and if you are really that close to her talk to her parents and see what their feelings are about the whole mess. Whether this guy is really innocent or not is not the question in this situation. He should not have any contact with her or the kids. Talk to her parents.
August 25, 2013 at 1:11 PM
Be honest and direct. And if your really that worried, I would tell her parents. They are the ones who have custody of the kids. They can put a stop to all this. Or, if you find out he's around the kids, call the cops.
She asked for your advice, so give it. I'm glad her parents have custody. Ultimately it will be up to them as to whether or not the children are allowed near this man!
After you tell her how you feel, step away. She's going to do what she wants regardless.
August 25, 2013 at 8:04 PM
She knows she shouldn´t go back with him, she keeps asking hoping that the answer will change.
August 25, 2013 at 9:28 PM
Okay here is a question...Do the grandparents, who have custody of the children, know about this man's criminal record? Are they aware that their daughter is contimplating allowing a sex offender into not only her life but into her childrens' lives?
I honestly think this is a situation that needs to be addressed by Child Protective Services. I know that I would never allow a known offender anywhere near my children. I know this person was/is your friend, but the only people that matter right now are her young children. Make an anonymous call to CPS and express your concerns. Let them investigate it.