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mkhc-531
Is it just me, or... ?
June 17, 2013 at 11:01 PM
My boyfriend and I are younger (21& 23) and are both first time parents. We currently live with roommates but the lease is up soon and will be getting our own place. I'm unemployed and he is working 2 jobs (70 hrs a week) to be able to financially support us. While I appreciate this very much, that's the only kind of support he is providing. We obviously don't talk much through the day- he leaves for work at 6:30 am and doesn't get home until a little after 9 pm. As soon as he gets home he wants to go to bed -understandable. But if I'm feeding (bfing) our LO and I ask him to get me a little something to eat he complains and complains about how tired he is -he complains longer than what it would take for him to just get the food. Also, he is so tired that we don't even hardly talk when he gets home. As for the weekend: he hates sitting at home doing nothing so during the weekend he just wants to be out and go to a friend's or have a friend come here or just go do something. And me and baby go with but I feel like he isn't considering how inconvenient it is for me to be in public all weekend when I have to bf the baby. I feel like he doesn't spend any family time with us and it hurts my feelings. But when I try to communicate like a mature adult couple should, and I try to tell him all of this, he gets mad and says, "Well I'm sorry I work all the time! I get no appreciation for how much I work and its all for you 2!" Or he asks me to quit nagging. Is it just me, or does this seem like a problem? Am I being too sensitive? What can I do for him to understand before it turns into a fight or before I have to have an emotional breakdown for him to know this is a serious issue for me.. ?

Replies

  • happysnappy
    June 17, 2013 at 11:08 PM

    I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3

  • lalalamama
    June 17, 2013 at 11:13 PM
    He is working awfully hard and many men feel under tremendous pressure to financially provide for their families. You are BOTH tired and doing your best. Be compassionate. Being a sahm with a young child is tough, but it isn't fair to expect him to do more then he already is, really. If you show love and appreciation you might be surprised at how pleasant life can be. He's not having an easier time of it then you are.
  • mkhc-531
    June 17, 2013 at 11:21 PM
    Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(


    Quoting happysnappy:

    I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3


  • happysnappy
    June 17, 2013 at 11:35 PM

    he's probably scared to death of screwing up...now not only does he have your relationship on the line, but a little sweetie to support.  That's a lot of pressure for a new dad and especially for one who still has a lot of maturing to do in so many ways. 

    I know it's a lot for you too.  You are a new mom.  Your life just suddenly changed drastically!  Who is this little person taking up all your time now??  It's a shock to your life style! 

    Take it a day at a time hunny.  Meal by meal...this is possible.  Don't forget, your hormones are going crazy too.  So make sure you are taking care of yourself and resting. 

    <3 You have a support system here.  Praying for you <3


    Quoting mkhc-531:

    Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(


    Quoting happysnappy:

    I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3




  • mkhc-531
    June 17, 2013 at 11:45 PM
    I know he is working hard! Too hard imo. I ask him almost everyday if he can just go down to one job when we get our own place so he isn't as exhausted. But I hardly think asking him to make a sandwich or bowl of oatmeal is asking him for more than what he is doing. It takes all of 3 mins. I do show love and compassion and I tell him all the time I appreciate him. He just doesn't feel it when I tell him about how I'm feeling. Just as he says he loves me and I know it but don't feel it for the same reason -lack of time spent. Even if we spent the weekend at home in bed I'd be happy. I just don't want it to get to a point where it's unfixable :(


    Quoting lalalamama:

    He is working awfully hard and many men feel under tremendous pressure to financially provide for their families. You are BOTH tired and doing your best. Be compassionate. Being a sahm with a young child is tough, but it isn't fair to expect him to do more then he already is, really. If you show love and appreciation you might be surprised at how pleasant life can be. He's not having an easier time of it then you are.

  • terpmama
    June 17, 2013 at 11:55 PM

    Try looking at the love languages... (Google. There's a quiz you can take)... Sounds like you have different living styles (kinda like learning styles but related to showing and receiving love).  Take a look and you'll see what I mean.

  • mkhc-531
    June 18, 2013 at 12:19 AM
    Actually my step mom got me the book for my bday. But she said its really a book to go through together and he is just so busy all of the time (except for weekends and he doesn't want to be at home at all...) It seems almost impossible for us to find time to go through it. :/


    Quoting terpmama:

    Try looking at the love languages... (Google. There's a quiz you can take)... Sounds like you have different living styles (kinda like learning styles but related to showing and receiving love).  Take a look and you'll see what I mean.


  • terpmama
    June 18, 2013 at 12:43 AM


    You can do the online quiz for yourself and him... Might help you understand where the misunderstandings are. Not sure why you read it together, unless you're confusing the love dare book. 

    Quoting mkhc-531:

    Actually my step mom got me the book for my bday. But she said its really a book to go through together and he is just so busy all of the time (except for weekends and he doesn't want to be at home at all...) It seems almost impossible for us to find time to go through it. :/


    Quoting terpmama:

    Try looking at the love languages... (Google. There's a quiz you can take)... Sounds like you have different living styles (kinda like learning styles but related to showing and receiving love).  Take a look and you'll see what I mean.




  • Dzyre1115
    June 18, 2013 at 12:47 AM

     You can't have it both ways, you can't have a man that works that much and still have to come home and do what you should be doing yourself and his idea of down time is not staring at you breastfeeding a baby.  His life consists of work and sleep, so if he wants to be with his friends on the weekend, who can blame him?

  • DragonInfinity
    June 18, 2013 at 12:53 AM
    I've been through that before. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. DH and I are going on 3years or marriage and we are 20 and 22 respectively. I hope things work out for you guys. I feel your hurt/emotional want, I still go through that with my DH too. If you just need to rant I'm here.
    Quoting mkhc-531:

    Thank you. I know we are both young but we have been through so much! We were at one point engaged (about 2 yrs ago) but because of lack of respect and emotional support I left. We have obviously made up since then and are both very serious about the relationship. He does show me respect and treats me better than before (we were 18-19 & 20-21 then) but there is still that lack of emotional support. I just don't want things to get like they did before. :(


    Quoting happysnappy:

    I think you said it in your first sentence sweetie.  You are both younger.  You matured very quickly in the realization that this is no game and it's the real deal.  Although you boyfriend is working hard to support you, you are not getting the emotional support which is equally important.  But I believe that he still has a lot of maturing to do because right now it sounds like he thinks he's doing everything (the 3 jobs) and God forbid you ask him for a sandwhich. (I remember being 23 at one time... ) If you are serious about your relationship, try to understand that his brain is wired differently.  He thinks he's doing the right thing and by you getting upset he feels unappreciated.  I know that's not the truth, but like I said...guys are different and I am speaking from 17 years of experience with my hunny.  I know it hurts sweetie.  And I know it's hard.  But like you said, the two of you are young, but you both can make it work.  <3


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