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TJandKarasMom
What do you do when you and DH have different feelings on important things?
February 11, 2013 at 7:03 AM
I take my DHs respect for me very seriously, I want nothing more than to be the amazing woman he deserves.



My brother has a gf and their morals and values are different than mine and DHs. I have limited my and my children's time with them because I don't want them to have a huge influence on the kids. My DH hardly sees them because he just really can't stand especially the gf. He sees them just on holidays. They live with my parents so I see them a little more often but they all just moved a bit further away so I tend to meet my parents out or they come to my kids' events.



Anyway, the gf just had a baby very very early. He is in the nicu at a hospital fairly close to us. The gf is staying with him, my brother has been there but has to go back to work.



I understand DH not wanting me to visit too often (he has not said a negative word about me visiting, I just know him) and to not get too attached to the baby or build too close of a bond with the mom.



I feel like visiting a couple times a week and bringing something when I do is the right thing to do for family despite our differences (there is really a ton of history, I have had so many people ask why I even talk to my family after what they put me through...I have a lot of reasons and I can share any of that if anyone wants to know more).



I want to stand up for what I feel is right but at the same time I don't want DH to change his opinion of me. He has thought every time I rebuild a relationship with my family they have done more to hurt me, it's very true and every time I think it will be different. But I feel like I need to try, I need to see this baby while he is growing. I may not be a huge part of his life after he leaves the hospital but I could at least say I was there when I could be.



Any advice? What would you do? Please take into consideration that DH doesn't really want me around them bc it's very hard for him to see me hurt over and over again. And he is always there for me when things fall apart.

Replies

  • PerfectVirgo
    February 11, 2013 at 7:07 AM
    Sometimes you need to listen to someone who only wants the best for you. We can't always see the disaster about to happen, but I try to listen to my SO on things like that. He has never done anything except protect me.
  • coolmommy2x
    February 11, 2013 at 7:45 AM
    My brother and DH can't stand each other (frankly I'm not a huge fan either) but that has no bearing on my relationship with my nieces or my kids' relationship with their cousins.
  • alexsmomaubrys2
    February 11, 2013 at 7:48 AM


    Quoting coolmommy2x:

    My brother and DH can't stand each other (frankly I'm not a huge fan either) but that has no bearing on my relationship with my nieces or my kids' relationship with their cousins.

    I agree with this.

  • Megan11587
    February 11, 2013 at 7:51 AM
    Talk to him about it. Tell him what you just told us. See if you can reach a compromise that wont affect your relationship.
  • Hani_Mommy
    February 11, 2013 at 7:54 AM
    I don't think you should feel obligated to even be there just because of their situation.
  • TJandKarasMom
    February 11, 2013 at 8:33 PM
    So how do you go about fostering a relationship between the cousins while keeping your distance from the brother? I won't leave my kids alone with my brother or the gf, and I can't spend too long with them either lol. So what do you do? How do you get to know your nieces and nephews?


    Quoting coolmommy2x:

    My brother and DH can't stand each other (frankly I'm not a huge fan either) but that has no bearing on my relationship with my nieces or my kids' relationship with their cousins.

  • TJandKarasMom
    February 11, 2013 at 8:34 PM
    Thank you. DH feels the same way. He asks why I feel like I even have to go at all. I can't explain why, I guess because I still think family is important and it's the right thing to do even if I don't feel my family is true to the word, if that makes sense.



    Quoting Hani_Mommy:

    I don't think you should feel obligated to even be there just because of their situation.

  • TJandKarasMom
    February 11, 2013 at 8:39 PM
    You are right. I know all he has ever done is protect me and try to prevent me from being hurt. He has picked up the pieces so many times after they have let me down. My parents for the most part, but my brother and his gf are just and extension of my parents. The gf has verbally attacked me in the past and my mom just agreed with her even though her comments could have been said to her as well.

    He always sees it coming. He sees me invest myself too much and knows I will be disappointed. I go back again and again even though deep down I know I will be hurt and disappointed soon enough.

    I'm going to talk with him and see what he really thinks I should do, I haven't flat out asked him. I keep telling him what I know and he asked after the baby was born when I was going to see him. Not if, but when. He knows I have to see him even if he doesn't think it's best for me. But I don't know what he's really thinking because I haven't had a good talk with him about it yet.


    Quoting PerfectVirgo:

    Sometimes you need to listen to someone who only wants the best for you. We can't always see the disaster about to happen, but I try to listen to my SO on things like that. He has never done anything except protect me.

  • Hani_Mommy
    February 11, 2013 at 8:43 PM
    I might just be harsh... But when my son was a preemie in the NICU, no one felt obligated to help us out. Even my parents! Basically, it's like you have a sick preemie son, I am sorry, but he is your child. Most people visited once or twice, that's it. Not much considering I was there bedside for 3 months. He is 4 now, and looking back, I realize most people just don't get it... It wasn't about them not having compassion for us, but they just could not imagine... They did what you would normally do when someone is in the hospital... They visited and got a balloon. It was 3 months, and people have lives... a phone call here or there with updates was the best it got. I now realize why us women in the NICU grew very close. Why the nurses became good friends. It was like that for everyone...



    So why it's nice you have that compassion, for someone you consider family ... That shouldn't translate to feeling an obligation. Maybe drop by once with lunch ... Follow up with a phone call or two ... It's really what's normal in these situations. And remember an has other people, she obviously doesn't see you as a BFF, or her sister ... I am sure he has people.



    Quoting TJandKarasMom:

    Thank you. DH feels the same way. He asks why I feel like I even have to go at all. I can't explain why, I guess because I still think family is important and it's the right thing to do even if I don't feel my family is true to the word, if that makes sense.








    Quoting Hani_Mommy:

    I don't think you should feel obligated to even be there just because of their situation.




  • ditsyjo
    by ditsyjo
    February 11, 2013 at 9:38 PM

    have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and what you think you need to do and why.

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