Allinorder
My oldest doesnt look at dh as a dad
November 26, 2012 at 11:41 PM

My dh and I got married when we were really young. We had our son young too. Dh and I had problems and we divorced. We got remarried and tried to work out our marriege again. We were still fighting. Then we seperated for 2 years. I lived with my parents and dh lived with his family. Ds always saw dh on the weekends and when he was sick dh would come over and help me with ds. Then we decided to work out our marriege again because you know 3rd times a charm. We started seeing eachother more often and took things slow. I got pregnant with  dd and dh moved in. A few year later I got pregnant with our youngest. Dh has seen our younger 2 kids everyday of there life. My oldest is jealous. Ive told him it was best we seperated because he didnt need to be around the constant fighting and arguing. My husband whom is the father to all 3 kids has admitted to me he isnt that bonded to our oldest and my oldest has said the same. i feel horrible and I want to mend there relationship but Im not sure how. My oldest said he looks at his dad like a stranger and looks at my father as his own dad. My husband knows what dh has said and feels bad and blames himself about there relationship. I dont want to be bashed but dont know what to do.

Replies

  • acrogodess
    November 26, 2012 at 11:43 PM
    They should go to.counseling together and make sure to get daddy and me time in without the siblings.
  • Allinorder
    November 26, 2012 at 11:46 PM

    Thats not a bad idea. we wont get insurance for a few months though.

    Quoting acrogodess:

    They should go to.counseling together and make sure to get daddy and me time in without the siblings.


  • Seagodess
    November 26, 2012 at 11:48 PM

    I think they need time to bond alone, without other people around. It makes sense that your oldest is jealous. He started coming around every day when the younger ones were born, but didn't when it was just him? They need time together. Your oldest needs to feel like he is just as important to his dad as his siblings are.

  • frndlyfn
    November 26, 2012 at 11:50 PM

    Find a father/son activity they can sign up with.  I do understand how your son would see grandpa as dad since he was a more constant male figure.  Do not try to rush this process.

  • acrogodess
    November 26, 2012 at 11:51 PM
    Are you a member at a church? My church offers free counseling with an actual psychologist. There are also free clinics if you look into it. Try chicken soup for the fathers soul and chicken soup for the child or teens soul books. They move us all to tears and make us want to work harder at being a better family. Have them sign up for a free activity, maybe basketball, fishing, heck even needle point lol. Something that is just for them to do without you or the younger kiddos. They will be okay eventually. Trust me. My kids dad and I went back and forth so many times and even still my kids love him. He gives them each alone time and time together.

    Quoting Allinorder:

    Thats not a bad idea. we wont get insurance for a few months though.


    Quoting acrogodess:

    They should go to.counseling together and make sure to get daddy and me time in without the siblings.


  • Megzboys
    November 27, 2012 at 12:04 AM

      Unfortunatley this can't be rushed but maybe they can sign up to work on a building project together if the son is old enough.   They definitely need some time together alone or with just Grandpa the first couple times to ease into conversations.   Do they like to fish?   Consider it catch up time and go to a ball game if they both like the same type of sport.    Good Luck.                  

                                                                                                           Meg

  • Allinorder
    November 27, 2012 at 12:08 AM
    My husband loves fishing. We live far from anything to fish from though.


    Quoting Megzboys:

      Unfortunatley this can't be rushed but maybe they can sign up to work on a building project together if the son is old enough.   They definitely need some time together alone or with just Grandpa the first couple times to ease into conversations.   Do they like to fish?   Consider it catch up time and go to a ball game if they both like the same type of sport.    Good Luck.                  

                                                                                                           Meg


  • Allinorder
    November 27, 2012 at 12:10 AM
    We used to go to church but haven't in a year. My kids always ask to go.


    Quoting acrogodess:

    Are you a member at a church? My church offers free counseling with an actual psychologist. There are also free clinics if you look into it. Try chicken soup for the fathers soul and chicken soup for the child or teens soul books. They move us all to tears and make us want to work harder at being a better family. Have them sign up for a free activity, maybe basketball, fishing, heck even needle point lol. Something that is just for them to do without you or the younger kiddos. They will be okay eventually. Trust me. My kids dad and I went back and forth so many times and even still my kids love him. He gives them each alone time and time together.



    Quoting Allinorder:

    Thats not a bad idea. we wont get insurance for a few months though.



    Quoting acrogodess:

    They should go to.counseling together and make sure to get daddy and me time in without the siblings.




  • acrogodess
    November 27, 2012 at 12:13 AM
    Perhaps it's a good time to look into going again. I didn't go to church for a long time. I knew I needed to find a good fit for me and the family. I am no longer Catholic and even s/o is happy with the church we've chosen. We've been there 2 yrs.

    Quoting Allinorder:

    We used to go to church but haven't in a year. My kids always ask to go.




    Quoting acrogodess:

    Are you a member at a church? My church offers free counseling with an actual psychologist. There are also free clinics if you look into it. Try chicken soup for the fathers soul and chicken soup for the child or teens soul books. They move us all to tears and make us want to work harder at being a better family. Have them sign up for a free activity, maybe basketball, fishing, heck even needle point lol. Something that is just for them to do without you or the younger kiddos. They will be okay eventually. Trust me. My kids dad and I went back and forth so many times and even still my kids love him. He gives them each alone time and time together.





    Quoting Allinorder:

    Thats not a bad idea. we wont get insurance for a few months though.




    Quoting acrogodess:

    They should go to.counseling together and make sure to get daddy and me time in without the siblings.





  • Allinorder
    November 27, 2012 at 12:18 AM
    I really want to go back to church. Our life was awesome and 6 months after we stopped going our life got hard.


    Quoting acrogodess:

    Perhaps it's a good time to look into going again. I didn't go to church for a long time. I knew I needed to find a good fit for me and the family. I am no longer Catholic and even s/o is happy with the church we've chosen. We've been there 2 yrs.



    Quoting Allinorder:

    We used to go to church but haven't in a year. My kids always ask to go.






    Quoting acrogodess:

    Are you a member at a church? My church offers free counseling with an actual psychologist. There are also free clinics if you look into it. Try chicken soup for the fathers soul and chicken soup for the child or teens soul books. They move us all to tears and make us want to work harder at being a better family. Have them sign up for a free activity, maybe basketball, fishing, heck even needle point lol. Something that is just for them to do without you or the younger kiddos. They will be okay eventually. Trust me. My kids dad and I went back and forth so many times and even still my kids love him. He gives them each alone time and time together.







    Quoting Allinorder:

    Thats not a bad idea. we wont get insurance for a few months though.





    Quoting acrogodess:

    They should go to.counseling together and make sure to get daddy and me time in without the siblings.