Tonight I came home to my husband telling me my oldest son was in my 14 year olds room (the one charged with sexual assult) and found a samsung smart phone. No idea where the phone came from but we noticed a while ago that my phone charger was missing so he has had it about a month I guess. It had no sim card in it but it could connect to the internet. My husband was browsing and found images.. disturbing disgusting images of little nake girls.. the search was for stuff like "little girls being raped"
my son is at the lake with his grandparents. I called them at 12am after he showed me and told them to bring him home tomorrow. My husband is packing his room right now. Tomorrow he goes to the police station, I am signing him over to the ministry and I never want him in my home again. I can't stand by him any more, I can't trust him any more, I can't keep telling myself he was just stupid and immature and made a mistake. My son is a pedophile. And I can't do it any more.. my heart is broken.. so go ahead and tell me what I already know.. that I am the worst mother in the world who raised a sick pedophile.
Just bash me.. I don't fucking care any more.. my heart is destroyed.
*UPDATE* okay not really an update but I have been trying to read the post and there are so many things I need to answer.. this is just easier. First I had to leave here because my oldest son who is 17 was told last night, for a year almost I have kept it a secret from him. I feel terrible for that because it now hit him really hard. I was trying to help him through this last night and was just too drained to add moer to this post.
First thank you for those who had kind words for me and helped fill in the obviously blanks I left in the OP. I am going to try to answer peoples questions. I know it might seem messed up that I even share this but to be honest I can't talk about it. I just cry. This has been pretty much my only outlet to cope with it. So it is what it is..
Backstory - My son was charged a year ago when I turned him in for touching his 5 y/o step sister. He was given probation and with conditions allowed to remain in my home. He had to do intensive testing and was deamed low risk. I believed that he had just made a stupid mistake sticking his hand down the little girls pants, that he was mentally immature, that he had yes been touched himself unknown to us, by another child. I had an agreement with the Ministry if Child and Families (like Canadian CPS) that I would take the necessary steps to protect my other children.
In his court order my son is required to complete a program for sexual offenders. He has been screened by 4 different programs but none have room for him. As you can imagine this is a pretty specailized type program. They have a great success rate of about 12% reoffense if they treat them very intensively for 9 months - a year sometimes longer. I wanted him in a program, he knows he is going. I fought for him to go from day 1. As it sits now they are taking in the New Year at the earliest. He has 2 years probation which started March of this year.
Yes my son is in counselling, he has a Forensics counsellor he sees every week, he has another worker called an Intensive Support and Supervision worker who also sees him every week sometimes more then once. He also sees a P/O every two weeks to check in. All of these are court ordered. We live in a town of 20,000 people in the middle of no where. It is hard to get really good support here.
Yes my son was molested by another child. It happened about 8 years ago and at the time it never came out that this child was doing this. He was caught with another child and police asked my kids but they both said nothing had happened with them. After this all happened it came out that he was forced to have anal sex and give the child blowjobs. As well his evaluations indicate he could have been molested by an adult at some point but nothing has come out moer then an indication via testing.
When I wrote this post it was not me turning my back on my child. For the last year I have fought with him, tried my best to get him help, supervised him 24/7 either me or my husband. Anyone left with him has to know about his charges. This has consumed and controlled our lives. It has damaged my family, relationship with my husband and basically forced me to seperate my family on two levels of our home to a large extent. As you can imagine (maybe) this has been hell to go through. Last night showed me that the problems with my son are too big and too serioust for him to remain in my home. By giving him to the ministry it means they will place him in a foster home and take care of him until/if he is able to return to my home. It is what is best for all my children. It is going to be a terrible moment but its necessary.
First I talked to someone from the Ministry, luckily the social worker I have been dealing with all along was on call so I didn't have to go into major details. She is on vacation technically but tomorrow she is going into talk to her supervisor at 9am to arrange a placement for him with no small children. They asked I keep him tonight since its a weekend and I agreed. They said I should hear from them by midday with a plan for him
Then we went to the police station and gave statements and handed over the phone, my son refused to talk to them. They said he will likely be charged again with possession of child porn, pending the investigation with the Forensics specialists that deal with electronics, they apparently have to send it away. As well he will be charged with a breech of his probation. Not sure the outcome of that will be, the officer said its sort of pointless since he is already under conditions awaiting going to a program but hopefully it might speed the process up and make him higher risk and closer to the top of the wait list.. I guess time will tell.
As horrible as it sounds I am some what relieved I won't have to be the one dealing with everything alone like these last charges. He will have the support of the foster home and the support he already has in place. My son is getting very depressed and I know its hard on him and effecting him, as it should. He really broke down at the police station :( So did I..
So after waiting all day for them to call me I finally heard back from the supervisor at the Child and Family Services office. They have no placement for my son since he is considered high needs, there needs to be no other kids in the home plus they have to be a higher level of foster home which means more training etc. They want to find the best possible placement. They honestly feel that the foster home is more for my level of burn out, which to be honest it really is. They understand this and want to work out something. At this point it might end up just respite so I don't have to be supervising my son 24/7 and so I can have some more support. They feel I am the best person to be supervising my son and they feel like despite his slip I am doing a really good job at it. She even said if it was her son who had abused one of her children she would want all her children in the home since its the best place for them all. It's hard on all siblings to have one removed, I agree with this.
They are aggressively searching for a program to accept him. There are limited beds in these specailized programs but she said she thought his P/O might have figured something out but wouldn't jump the gun on it just yet incase it doesn't pan out. They all seem very understanding of how I feel. I know my son is sick and has a serious problem. He has compulsions he cannot control and needs to learn how to cope with them. He NEEDS an intensive program. My worry is that the system is failing him and he will continue to escalate. It's unfair to him that he get more charges when he is awaiting treatment.. the system needs to help him NOW. They are on the same page with me and now realize its a serious immediate need. They are approaching it a bit differently before and hopefully can get him some sort of placement. They also don't want to push him into a foster home and have his mental health decline. I know he is getting depressed and stressed, who wouldn't be. He is not connecting with his two counsellors very well and this needs to be addressed. They just don't want to bounce him from home, to a foster home, to a psych facility to a treatment program etc as it will be worse for him in the end. So at the moment he is still in my home and I am okay with that knowing they are going to try to better support me.
Life finds a way and the universe provides...
So one thing I have shared is I am a Residential Child and Youth Worker in a group home for young offenders. Not sexual related crimes however. This week is our annual training and we use a Cognitive-Behavioral Program called MRT, which is what I'm being trained for. But in the training they had a catalogue of other resources we can order as counselling professionals. One of them is Cognitive-Behavioral Sex Offender Relapse Prevention. I can order it! So I am going to order it tonight, it comes from the US. I am going to consult with his support worker and the social workers and the Forensic Counsellor he sees and either do the program myself with him (if they won't help) or put the word out and hire someone to do it with him or see if his support worker will facilitate. It comes with a work book and a facilitators guide. I am super happy about this. If I can't find him a program maybe I can bring the program to him. Who knows.. maybe this will spur something and they will work on getting a program here? I have lots of funding experience.. and program design.. never know right? not to jump the gun but I am glad to be doing SOMETHING!
oh and I also called for a counselling appointment for myself... well left a message... this is a huge step for me.. the irony being I counsel myself and I dislike counsellors.. lol
Not much to update, have heard ZERO back from Ministry about Respite have heard zero back from the police about the phone, and have heard zero from his P/O. She in fact cancelled his appointment for today and switched it to tomorrow. Figures. Yes a bit frustrating and I am sure more fuel for those saying *I* am not doing enough like I have some control over these people. But on an aside I did talk to a man who was at the training I attended. We talked for an hour, he used to work in the program (one of them) that they are trying to get my son into. He said based on the details and considering the lack of deviance in other ways he would feel like my son is definitely one of the milder cases he has heard. That gave me some relief. He does feel a program will benefit him more then a youth who has show a lot of deviance and one thing that stood out was he mentioned that my son took a moment of opportunity, he did not groom or try to set up a situation where he could be alone with a child. He said many of the kids he dealt with would go to great lengths to get other children alone. He did agree in the interim that program might help if I can find someone to do it with him or even just to read and understand myself.
Sorry that is all I have :/ We have been pretty busy cleaning a tree out of our back yard that the storm knocked down.
OMG honey, my heart breaks for you. Please, please don;t blame yourself. A bad mother would hide this under the carpet, would make it the family secret. YOu are doing the right thing and making your child face the consequences of his actions. And hopefully he will get the help he needs.
Not always the parents fault you know. There are so many other influences in our kids lives and in many cases they are far stronger influences than us parents. Hugs, I can not even begin to imagine the heart ache you are going through
July 15, 2012 at 3:19 AM
my mouth is on the ground.
by MommavieveJuly 15, 2012 at 3:20 AM*hugs* I'm sorry. I think I vaguely remember your son's story. I don't think it's your fault. Not that the opinion of some stranger is going to make a difference, but still...