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can i mourn this loss even if it was because of me?
by Anonymous
July 26, 2013 at 10:36 AM

i am getting a tattoo to honor my kids-a fancy heart with their  initials in it.  I want two smaller hearts on the outside.  One for a miscarriage I had a few years ago, and the other for an abortion I had when I was 15.  My DH says I should only get 1 smaller heart because the second was my choice!  It was a choice I made a long time ago and it was the hardest thing ever but I still think about it almost daily.  At the time I thought I was doing the right thing (and maybe I did).  Do you think it is in poor taste to go this route?  i just wanted something to honor all of my kids (born or not)!!


the tattoo i was planning has alot of scrollwork on the big heart and the little hearts would come out of the scrollwork so they would look like they are just part of the "main" tattoo.  no one would ever know those smaller hearts symbolized anything unless I told them.  The tattoo would be at the top of my leg so no one would see it unless i show them or when i am wearing a bathing suit.

thanks for the support--makes me feel better knowing there are people who understand--i just wanted the tattoo for me!


  • -42-
    by -42-
    July 26, 2013 at 10:38 AM
    You decide what you mourn and how, period.

    But, remember that people ask about tattoo meanings a lot, so you may want to think about how you're going to handle it emotionally telling people again and again what it means.
  • Anonymous 2
    by Anonymous 2
    July 26, 2013 at 10:40 AM
    You have the right to mourn anyway you choose.
  • GertieK
    by GertieK
    July 26, 2013 at 10:48 AM

    Not in poor choice.  You are experiencing one of the facts about abortion that iscompletely ignored.  That baby was just as much your baby as the one from the miscarriage.  Yes, you can mourn the loss.  Your husband has no idea of how it feels. 

  • Anonymous 3
    by Anonymous 3
    July 26, 2013 at 11:32 AM
    I hope you aren't really a nurse as you sit here and judge a person's mental health.

    Quoting nurse1997:


  • Anonymous 4
    by Anonymous 4
    July 26, 2013 at 11:32 AM
    No big shocker someone has to say something rude.
  • Karopie_99
    July 26, 2013 at 11:33 AM

    Its your body, do what you feel you need to do

  • bhow
    by bhow
    July 26, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    I do not think it is "poor taste" to mourn a loss even if it was a "your fault".  Many people mourn a broken relationship that was their fault it ended.  I feel for your broken heart but, I also would be lying if I didn't say I would be concerned for your feelings every time somebody asks about the meaning of this tattoo.  You already hurt from your choice of how long ago?  It is not something I would want to share with just anyone and, with a tattoo people ask for a meaning.  Unless you are going to be able to just keep is easy by saying 'I had 2 miscarriages' and move on, I think telling people the real meaning behind it would open yourself up to future pain, and criticism I am not being insensitive, just trying to help you figure this out.  Could it be that you feel so guilty you somehow want to put yourself through more pain by having to tell people about it?  It's is something people do to themselves when they have such a huge burden of guilt.  Sorta like being an alcoholic and beating yourself up that way.  Please think about this decision more carefully and consider just how nasty people can be these days.  More pain for something you already hurt over is truly not necessary, a little self kindness is not a bad thing.  Maybe you can just continue to love what you lost with a tattoo someplace no one would see it but you and hubby, and if that is what you have intended to do any way, I'm sorry I missed that part.  God Bless you, and your babies.

  • Anonymous 2
    by Anonymous 2
    July 26, 2013 at 11:57 AM
    All you have to say to anyone who asks is "I lost 2 babies." That is true.
  • nova.mommy
    July 26, 2013 at 12:10 PM

    I see nothing wrong with it.  I might, however, put the one separate from the others.  From the way it sounds your two children and the miscarriage are from the same man.   He may not feel it is right to honor his 'contribution'(sorry if it sounds bad, but I could not find the right word to use here) to your family and that of another man in the same place.  Doing it in the same may make him feel that you have feelings for this other guy and if it his subconscious thinking that, he may not be able to put it words that make sense to his conscious.

  • storkradio193
    July 26, 2013 at 1:40 PM

    Mourning is a personal process filled with individual feelings.  No one can to another what he or she has the right to mourn.  A loss is a loss whether no matter the situation.  You should do as you feel.

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