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mollyttc1
Don't know what to do....HELP!
October 2, 2012 at 11:54 AM

I need help. Dont know what to do. I want to leave my husband but I am scared to. I am scared for several reasons. One is that he threatens that if I ever leave him he will kill my mom, because he hates her so much and I believe he will. And two he is quite vengeful, i wouldn't put it past him to try and ruin my credit, steal all our money, etc. What do I do? I feel trapped!

Replies

  • mollyttc1
    October 4, 2012 at 7:55 AM
    Thank you! I did leave. I had my uncle come over to help. Thank god cause he pulled a knife on us. I'm out safely with my son. Just have to figure out the next step Becoz I have no $ (he has access to it all) and no place safe to stay permanently. Thank u for ur inspiration. I know I can do it. Just so scared right now.


    Quoting lemonade1:

    Honey I was in your shoes 18 months ago.  I live in UK but sure you could go about this in same sort of way.  It's important to be sure of your plan beforehand if you can as you don't want anything going wrong. Our group does say that unless ur in immediate danger then planning is very helpful in making it stick as one little chink in ur armour may be his way back in.

    First I got in touch with Domestic Abuse counsellor so I was on their radar, that way they would check in on me at a time organised so he wouldn't be there.  Then when I made up my mind I got in touch with the police and asked what to do as I wanted to get him out as it is my house, he had no equity in it.  I got Mum up to stay with me so I could be sure she was okay (he had also threatened to kill her).  On the day I acted as normal as I could and sneaked his doorkey off his keyring and once he was gone my friend came round and we packed everything we could in a suitcase, took it to a hotel I had paid for 2 nites so he wasnt out on street.  Then Police gave me a script to phone him at work telling him he was not welcome at my home anymore and if he even tried to come near he would be arrested (didnt get drawn into why or how with him). He did keep texting as I wouldnt answer phone (changed number) so police rang him and told him not to.  It was hairy for a while but he kept pushing it and ended up being arrested and that made him stay away.

    With the financials, get them into the best shape for u that u can before you leave/throw him out without arousing his suspiscion.  If he steals ur money sue him, if he threatens u sue him. Dont be intimidated.

    Most of all make sure u get help from ur good friends, u certainly find out who are real friends then.

    U don't need to be scared my dear, I was for so long and I cannot believe I was so beaten down. Do it Honey and start living ur life again.

    BIG HUGS x


  • lemonade1
    October 4, 2012 at 8:51 AM

    Well done!!  You will be scared for some time now but take deep breaths and just believe in yourself. You did it and you can carry on doing it. I'm so proud of you, I'm crying just thinking of how hard it must have been for you. I know how hard it is to get away from someone like that and thank goodness you did.  Get some advice about the money situation, don't fret the worst is over, friends & family will help you. 

    Your real life has started now ENJOY! xxxxx

    Quoting mollyttc1:

    Thank you! I did leave. I had my uncle come over to help. Thank god cause he pulled a knife on us. I'm out safely with my son. Just have to figure out the next step Becoz I have no $ (he has access to it all) and no place safe to stay permanently. Thank u for ur inspiration. I know I can do it. Just so scared right now.


    Quoting lemonade1:

    Honey I was in your shoes 18 months ago.  I live in UK but sure you could go about this in same sort of way.  It's important to be sure of your plan beforehand if you can as you don't want anything going wrong. Our group does say that unless ur in immediate danger then planning is very helpful in making it stick as one little chink in ur armour may be his way back in.

    First I got in touch with Domestic Abuse counsellor so I was on their radar, that way they would check in on me at a time organised so he wouldn't be there.  Then when I made up my mind I got in touch with the police and asked what to do as I wanted to get him out as it is my house, he had no equity in it.  I got Mum up to stay with me so I could be sure she was okay (he had also threatened to kill her).  On the day I acted as normal as I could and sneaked his doorkey off his keyring and once he was gone my friend came round and we packed everything we could in a suitcase, took it to a hotel I had paid for 2 nites so he wasnt out on street.  Then Police gave me a script to phone him at work telling him he was not welcome at my home anymore and if he even tried to come near he would be arrested (didnt get drawn into why or how with him). He did keep texting as I wouldnt answer phone (changed number) so police rang him and told him not to.  It was hairy for a while but he kept pushing it and ended up being arrested and that made him stay away.

    With the financials, get them into the best shape for u that u can before you leave/throw him out without arousing his suspiscion.  If he steals ur money sue him, if he threatens u sue him. Dont be intimidated.

    Most of all make sure u get help from ur good friends, u certainly find out who are real friends then.

    U don't need to be scared my dear, I was for so long and I cannot believe I was so beaten down. Do it Honey and start living ur life again.

    BIG HUGS x



  • Dimples04
    October 4, 2012 at 8:53 AM
    I work in a Domestic Violence shelter and if you or someone you know is being abused you need to get help.  ALSO REMEMBER THAT YOUR COMPUTER CAN TELL YOUR ABUSER YOUR PLANS, PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND DELETE ALL INFORMATION THAT YOU LOOK UP IN REFERENCE TO LEAVING OR GETTING HELP.  Violence doesn't know any discrimination.  If you or someone you know needs help PLEASE call the National domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) whoever answers the line can direct you to a local shelter or answer any questions you may have.  Any Shelter is there to help women and child (and some also help male victims) get the counseling and any other help that they need to get through the difficult time.  Abuse can be Emotional abuse (name calling, putting someone down, or controlling who/what they see or do), Physical Abuse (hitting, kicking, biting, anything that causes physical pain), Sexual abuse (can also be from a spouse or otherwise intimate partner when it is a unwanted occurance.)  Leaving your partner is the most dangerous time, wait until he/she is gone and then pack whatever you will need and just leave.   Good Luck and Don't forget that help is never more than a phone call away 24 / 7 / 365.

    * To delete your history:  go to control panel, internet options, delete cookies, delete files, delete history.  EVERYTIME!!  
    What is Domestic Violence?
    Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.
    You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

    ·Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
    ·Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
    ·Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
    ·Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
    ·Does not want you to work.
    ·Controls finances or refuses to share money.
    ·Punishes you by withholding affection.
    ·Expects you to ask permission.
    ·Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
    ·Humiliates you in any way.

    You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:
    ·Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
    ·Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or Strangled you.
    ·Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
    ·Scared you by driving recklessly.
    ·Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
    ·Forced you to leave your home.
    ·Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
    ·Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
    ·Hurt your children.
    ·Used physical force in sexual situations.

    You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
    ·Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
    ·Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
    ·Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
    ·Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
    ·Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
    ·Held you down during sex.
    ·Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
    ·Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
    ·Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
    ·Ignored your feelings regarding sex.


    Quoting mollyttc1:

    I need help. Dont know what to do. I want to leave my husband but I am scared to. I am scared for several reasons. One is that he threatens that if I ever leave him he will kill my mom, because he hates her so much and I believe he will. And two he is quite vengeful, i wouldn't put it past him to try and ruin my credit, steal all our money, etc. What do I do? I feel trapped!

  • Barabell
    October 4, 2012 at 12:14 PM

    Great update! Try calling 211 for help on a place to live and/or try the hotline number that Dimples provided you in the above reply.

    I'm relieved to know that you and your son have left. Stay strong.

    Quoting mollyttc1:

    Thank you! I did leave. I had my uncle come over to help. Thank god cause he pulled a knife on us. I'm out safely with my son. Just have to figure out the next step Becoz I have no $ (he has access to it all) and no place safe to stay permanently. Thank u for ur inspiration. I know I can do it. Just so scared right now.


    Quoting lemonade1:

    Honey I was in your shoes 18 months ago.  I live in UK but sure you could go about this in same sort of way.  It's important to be sure of your plan beforehand if you can as you don't want anything going wrong. Our group does say that unless ur in immediate danger then planning is very helpful in making it stick as one little chink in ur armour may be his way back in.

    First I got in touch with Domestic Abuse counsellor so I was on their radar, that way they would check in on me at a time organised so he wouldn't be there.  Then when I made up my mind I got in touch with the police and asked what to do as I wanted to get him out as it is my house, he had no equity in it.  I got Mum up to stay with me so I could be sure she was okay (he had also threatened to kill her).  On the day I acted as normal as I could and sneaked his doorkey off his keyring and once he was gone my friend came round and we packed everything we could in a suitcase, took it to a hotel I had paid for 2 nites so he wasnt out on street.  Then Police gave me a script to phone him at work telling him he was not welcome at my home anymore and if he even tried to come near he would be arrested (didnt get drawn into why or how with him). He did keep texting as I wouldnt answer phone (changed number) so police rang him and told him not to.  It was hairy for a while but he kept pushing it and ended up being arrested and that made him stay away.

    With the financials, get them into the best shape for u that u can before you leave/throw him out without arousing his suspiscion.  If he steals ur money sue him, if he threatens u sue him. Dont be intimidated.

    Most of all make sure u get help from ur good friends, u certainly find out who are real friends then.

    U don't need to be scared my dear, I was for so long and I cannot believe I was so beaten down. Do it Honey and start living ur life again.

    BIG HUGS x



  • sweettigeress
    October 4, 2012 at 1:45 PM

    I agree with this.

    Quoting GertieK:

    Get yourself AND your mom to safety.  He is using and counting on your fear to hold you in place.  Abuse only flourishes in the dark.  Bring it into the light, get hold of your backbone, and go for it.  You are a lot stronger than you know...than he has led you to believe.


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