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eykelley
**Edit**Touchy subject... OT... But need advice.
October 13, 2012 at 1:07 AM
I need some advice on what u would do in my shoes.
Dh and I have 2 kiddos together, ds is 5, dd is 6w. My parents live in CO. I have a horrible relationship w/ my mother and step-dad. So much so, that we don't visit them or anything. They come out here (AZ) sometimes but, we still don't see them that much.
I have a lot of issues with them. My step dad was a horrible father figure. He drank, did drugs, pawned our stuff off and, unfortunately, molested me when I was 7. My mother doesn't know. She knew he did drugs and drank and stole. And she did nothing. She just let me and my 4 younger siblings (they are all his) live through it. I was the oldest and got the worse of it.
Well, my SD never saw my son much, and when he did my grandparents (maternal) had strict instructions to be in the room. But, now that we have a dd, I don't want that man anywhere near her!!

How would u go about telling this to them w/o making it known what happened? I am only asking becuz they are thinking about coming down for Xmas and I'm worried.
It's been 18 years... I'm not gonna dig up old hurt and tell my mom when 1)I'm not sure she would believe me anyway 2) it would just cause issues.

Thank u for all the replies ladies! I thought I would clarify a few things cuz I got asked them a few times.
1) the reason I CANNOT say anything is becuz... My mother has always been very jealous of my relationship w/ my grandparents. I was much closer to them (go figure, she was a bitch) and when I was 16 she told me my grandfather (her dad) molested her when she was a teen. She threatened she would tell everyone what he did to her if I didn't "keep the peace". I have spoken to my dh about what she said and neither of us believe her story. I think it was just a threat or a story becuz my grandpa won't even hurt a fly.., literally! He spanked me once as a child (I totally deserved it too). He has never been anything but gentle and sweet to me or any other child. And if I tell her what my SD did, I am afraid she'll come back and tell everyone that he hurt her. My grandpa is 72. It would probably kill him to be honest and I would never forgive myself. I have 0 relationship w/ my stepdad. He isn't allowed in my house and I don't speak to him.
2) I believe it was jut about me, and not anyone else. Why? Becuz it's still occurring. I recieved a random comment last year on FB from "my mom" that read.. "You hold post a pic of all the weight U've lost so we can see how fine u r looking". I KNOW my SD posted that, and unfortunately so does my little brother. I used to get random messages on MySpace and FB from bogus accounts that would tell me how sexy I was or blah blah blah and he would always say something to give away it was him.

My mom has been very supportive of me. If I needed anything during this pregnancy she was there and gave It to me or whatever. I hate to just cut her off. But, u all have made valid points. She wasn't a good mom. She broke my heart a long time ago and it can't be repaired. I wish I could tell her, but it will have to wait until my grandpa passes on his own time. Then I can let the cat out. Just wanted ideas on how to hold off until then. (Which I'm praying is many many more years).

Replies

  • ruby_jewel_04
    October 13, 2012 at 1:13 AM
    Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.
  • Honeybunches26
    October 13, 2012 at 1:14 AM

    i would tell her hes not welcome she can see her grandkids if shed like... if i were you because you obviously still love your mom enough to care how she feels/reacts... if I knew the man that molested me and if I saw him again hed fucking disappear he almost ruined my life.. and left me with such horrible pain.. so I cant even contemplate being able to look at him without killing him.. or breaking at least one bone but that is how i feel... it seems you arent feeling that way because youve been able to see him since then and not rehash that.. so in your case id tell her she can visit but he cant and tell her its not open for discussion..and that i wont explain myself... also many pervs dont care if male or female they want to destroy innocence.. so your son is in no way safe... but true pedaphilles do care for sex of child.. in any case... i hope you can get through this! 

  • Nicolle_09
    October 13, 2012 at 1:16 AM

    honestly i know that you dont want to say anything but it sounds like you need to, if she doesnt believe you then well you go from there.

    BUT if you dont want to truly say anything then dont let baby girl out of your arms or sling or wrap. 

  • aehanrahan
    October 13, 2012 at 1:20 AM
    I agree.

    Quoting Nicolle_09:

    honestly i know that you dont want to say anything but it sounds like you need to, if she doesnt believe you then well you go from there.

    BUT if you dont want to truly say anything then dont let baby girl out of your arms or sling or wrap. 

  • newmom121812
    October 13, 2012 at 1:29 AM
    If I were in your shoes I would cut them off completely and tell them they are no longer welcome in my life. IMO they are not worth talking to ever again. They are pieces of shit. I live in CO and wish I didnt have scum like that around me.
    Im sorry you had to deal with that.
  • Dimples04
    October 13, 2012 at 1:32 AM


    Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

    Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.
  • eykelley
    October 13, 2012 at 1:39 AM
    I actually broke his nose. My SD was very abusive when we were little. He told me when I was 12 I had to start whipping my brother, I broke his nose and locked my brother and myself in the bathroom. He never hit us again.


    Quoting Honeybunches26:

    i would tell her hes not welcome she can see her grandkids if shed like... if i were you because you obviously still love your mom enough to care how she feels/reacts... if I knew the man that molested me and if I saw him again hed fucking disappear he almost ruined my life.. and left me with such horrible pain.. so I cant even contemplate being able to look at him without killing him.. or breaking at least one bone but that is how i feel... it seems you arent feeling that way because youve been able to see him since then and not rehash that.. so in your case id tell her she can visit but he cant and tell her its not open for discussion..and that i wont explain myself... also many pervs dont care if male or female they want to destroy innocence.. so your son is in no way safe... but true pedaphilles do care for sex of child.. in any case... i hope you can get through this! 


  • eykelley
    October 13, 2012 at 1:41 AM
    I wish I could. But, telling her would make things so much worse. I have tried, I tried hundreds of times. But even little things like him stealing my purse she wouldn't believe. She would blame it on my brother or call me a drama queen. It never got better. I want my mother to know her grandkids, I just don't want him near them.


    Quoting Dimples04:





    Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

    Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.

  • aehanrahan
    October 13, 2012 at 1:50 AM
    If she doesn't believe you about this, then she isn't worth it. I wouldn't want her around my kids just as much as him.

    Quoting eykelley:

    I wish I could. But, telling her would make things so much worse. I have tried, I tried hundreds of times. But even little things like him stealing my purse she wouldn't believe. She would blame it on my brother or call me a drama queen. It never got better. I want my mother to know her grandkids, I just don't want him near them.




    Quoting Dimples04:







    Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

    Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.

  • pinkiebabii
    October 13, 2012 at 1:51 AM
    My brother molested my male cousin at age 2 and I was okay with him and my mom for years until my son was born. My brother but him but every time he saw him or held him (NEVER alone) I wanted to throw up so I told my mom that my brother was not allowed to be around my son at all!
    Well fast forward a month or two and my mom is pushing on me to let my brother see the baby each time I ignored her. Well SO has terminal brain cancer and my mom was hosting a fundraiser at her bar, where SO worked, and when we showed up, my brother was there (he is 17, and it was after midnight at a bar, and he isn't allowed around me or my son) so the next day my mom and SO got into a fight about it and my mom fired her and I do not talk to my mom at all now.

    Me telling my mom the truth, has ruined our relationship, the relationship between her and her grandson, and the relationship between her and the rest of my family.
    My son was born the day before Easter and I told her how I felt a few days after mothers day. In between that time I saw my brother several times and he held my son three times, one of which he kissed him. I almost threw up! I cried every time my brother saw him once I got home and I had nightmares constantly, that he molested my son. I wish I had sated something during pregnancy and had not gone through that!!
    If you don't say anything, you will regret it!!! I do every single second of every day regret that disgusting piece of shit met my son!!

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