How is new mommyhood treating Shakira? The singer tells Us Weekly she's got a "great, great" baby. It's super, really. But just one little complaint. "Nobody told me it would be this hard. It takes a lot of energy from you." SIGH. Really. NOBODY told you it would be this hard? Because maybe it's just me, but before I became a mom, all I ever heard was put on your big-girl pants, because motherhood will kick your ass.
You know what? I just can't. I cannot with the new moms who are shocked, SHOCKED! To find out motherhood is some actual, you know, work. And so I give you: An open letter to new moms who didn't know motherhood would be "so hard."
NOTE: This is a parody of an email written by a sorority sister that went viral last week. We would never be this mean to you new moms, who just need a lot of support and encouragement. And we're actually really happy for Shakira and wish her the best.
Dear clueless new moms,
Put the baby to bed, sit down, and get ready for the metaphorical bitch-slap of your life.
For those of you living on another planet, which is apparently a lot of you, I have a newsflash: MOTHERHOOD IS REALLY F***ING HARD, and we've been telling you this for, like EVER. Where the HELL have you been? How many mother-f***ing blog posts do we have to write, bitching about everything from leaking, cracked nipples to colic that lasts six months, before you'll get a F***ING CLUE?
Are your eyeballs allergic to parenting articles? That's not a rhetorical question. I LITERALLY want you to leave a comment below if your eyeballs F***ING BLEED every time they glance upon a headline mentioning PARENTING. Do you seriously NOT KNOW a single other person who has EVER been an actual parent?
If you're reading this right now and thinking to yourself, "But oh em gee Adriana, I'm so in love with my baby! How can something so small and adorable be so much work?" please slap yourself upside the head so I don't have to reach through the computer and do it for you.
Your baby does not give a flying f*** how much sleep you lose, how sore your whole body is, how much you gag when you change diapers, how sad you are that you can't have nice things anymore. You have 18 years of active parenting ahead of you. More than that, if you go and get knocked up again or if adulthood doesn't "take."
WHO THE F*** TOLD YOU MOTHERHOOD WAS EASY? Who was that motherf***er. Tell me. Because I will f***ing drop-kick the next person I hear saying something like that. I will tattoo "Stop being a motherf***ing cockblock for parenting" on their forehead. They are HORRIBLE PR FOR PARENTHOOD and they need to cut that shit out.
In conclusion: ALWAYS! BE! CLEANING UP!
Were you surprised at how hard parenthood is, or did you see that one coming a mile away?
by SabrinaLCApril 24, 2013 at 1:20 PM
I was, if I would have known how hard it was going to be for me I probably would have waited
by jojo_starApril 24, 2013 at 5:18 PM
I saw that one coming.
April 24, 2013 at 5:43 PMI'm a newbie & it's not too difficult, YET! ds is 2mo and even though I'm engaged, I feel like a single parent. shit, I feel like df is my first child. but even though I constantly have a baby in my arms, the only time I get anything done is when he naps & I don't get to bed until 2-3am, I'm not taking anything for granted! I'm dreading the teenage years :( THAT will be the hard part.
April 24, 2013 at 6:11 PM
I knew it'd be hard but I guess I expected his father to help more. So therefore, it turned out to be much harder in my reality today.
by sgillenApril 25, 2013 at 9:39 AMI knew it was going to be hard. I didn't know it would be THIS hard though!
April 25, 2013 at 7:37 PM
Honestly, I don't believe parenthood is hard...right now. It has been quite awesome for the last two and a half years, DD is 2.5 y/o. However, DF and I are expecting our second child this year, so I know it's going to get challenging. I am preparing myself now so hopefully when baby gets here I won't be as overwhelmed.
April 26, 2013 at 1:38 AM
I knew it would be very hard, but it's not hard in the ways I expected. I expected: sleepless nights, days without showering, endless colicky crying, sore and cracked nipples. I didn't get any of that. Instead, I got: inability to watch the news because there are always missing, murdered, or abused children, fear of what the world will be like when my daughter is older, never knowing whether it's an ear infection or just teething, whether she has learned to fake cough or if it's real. Sometimes there is an almost overwhelming fear that tomorrow she won't be with me.
I don't think the unconditional love, and paralleled constant worry, is something that you can ever truly be prepared for unless you have already had a child.