OK moms. I'm 50 yrs old. So maybe I'm just "out of it".
I just read my 13 year old daughters text from a 15 yr old boy she just met in person at a football game last weekend. I was at the game too and knew that she had a crush on him but they had not met until then. (They had been "friends" on fb.) In this recent text, he was asking her to make out with him next time he saw her, asking about her experience, asking if she would go all the way with him. Asking her to send a picture of herself and promising to not show anyone. Her responses were yes to the making out idea, but no to the picture. (Thank gosh on the photo decision!)
Naturally, I will be vigilant about this situation. She is waaaay too young in my book to be involved with someone with these intentions.
So here's my question, is this normal talk for young boys these days? I am going to talk to her about what I read, but I want to be equipped here. Is this normal conversation between the sexes these days? Or are there still plenty of boys out there who would not speak to a girl he was hoping to date this way? I'm sad. This is so aggressive and insulting.
by kirbymomSeptember 12, 2012 at 2:12 PM
Hi ljanlin. :)
It is just my opinion, but I think that what you posted(highlighted in blue) is the right track. You should also eplain that while she may not like some of the parental things you do, you do them because you love her and want to protect her and that doing these things are for her benefit not yours. If you didn't love her then you wouldn't even care what types of people approached her and you wouldn't care what her reactions would be, but, you DO love her and therefore you will do whatever it takes to make sure she is taken care of the best way you know how. Mistakes and all. :) just my opinion. :) Good Luck in whatever you decide. :)
Thank you so much for replying, and so soon at that! I literally teared up when I read your response because it was so straight forward and down to earth! I needed that!
You're right, I do pay for the phone and it is my right to check. Usually, I believe, she erases most texts once she caught on that I was checking. I don't blame her really. Who wants there mom "listening in" on conversations. I get it. But this is exactly why I do it!!
So now, my decision is whether to just take the phone for awhile, letting her know that it is for her protection since she is obviously getting into conversations that are unhealthy. Or....letting her know I read it and discussing the unhealthiness while letting her keep her phone. (In which case she can just go back to erasing all her texts.)
OR, there is this detective part of me that feels that going "stealth" is the only real way of protecting her. Now that I know this about the boy for instance, I will keep her far away. Where as 2 days ago, I thought he was just adorable and would have let her go to the next football game coming up.(their planned meeting spot). Ofcourse that would mean not admitting what I read and any attempt at a good conversation might not happen.
So I'll probably stick to the taking the phone plan. Feel free to weigh in if you have the time. I appreciate it and thanks.
Wow, so glad all this came up. . I dred the day a situation like this comes up with my three daughters :/
You handeled it well. .
Thanks everyone sooo much. This is what I did. I thought and thought about what I would want to hear from my mom at this age. What she could say that would not just shut me down and make me feel mad and invaded. I thought about how when I was her age, that my friend and I did sneak off with older boys to "make out" once. So, I told her that I had found her phone and read the text between she and the boy. I did as some of you said and told her that I did not see one time in that whole texting conversation where he asked anything about her other than sex related. So obviously he didnt care about her as a person. We talked about meaningful relationships and what that means. I told her what I had done when I was her age and that it could have ended very badly and that I wasn't proud of it.(I told my story so that she knew that I truly did understand.) We talked about ways that she could steer converstaions like this away from sex talk and more about discussions that would make her feel respected. I said that she could always say that her parents check her phone and that she can't talk about those things. I told her she can always use her parents as her excuse to get out of any situation, whether we really know about the situation or not. It seemed good. I hope it helped. I think she was relieved and it gave her a way out. The main thing I want to say here, is that I'm so glad I waited to confront her because my initial reaction was anger!! That kind of conversation would not have gone well. Writing here and getting responses from each of you helped me and gave me time to settle down and think while getting advice and reactions from other moms. THANK YOU JUST ISN'T ENOUGH! P.S. I'm still keeping a close eye out. I'm under no illusion that one talk changes everything. I'll keep at it!!
by StephanieG31September 13, 2012 at 8:52 AM
If your daughter is only 13 she should not even be on fb. And then allowing her to meet someone off fb in person, not a good choice in my opinion. I suggest that maybe you have a good long talk with her, because its not ok for a guy to be sending your messages like that and she may feel pressured and give in. Sorry if I was so blunt Im not trying to be mean or attack you or anything like that. Just giving my opinion.
September 13, 2012 at 9:57 AMI hear ya Stephanie. A lot of my description was condensed so as not to bore everyone. I didn't let her meet this boy, he was at the football game as was our family. The fb thing is so hard. If I disallow something that her friends, teachers, grandparents, older siblings, aunts, uncles, parents etc all communicate with, well I just think that it would be "out of touch" to forbid it. It has been a forum for many discussions on how people talk and display themselves publicly. But you're right, it can be dangerous too. I could make myself crazy trying to protect my kids. Thanks for your input.
by lazydSeptember 13, 2012 at 10:11 AM
I think this boy was definitely out of line. I know boys have raging hormones, but i think this boy went a little overboard with being disrespectful. Im glad u told your daughter that this boy didnt care about her at all and just wanted sex. This boy was being a little aggressive. And if she cant say no to these text it will be hard for her to say no to sex. Im dealing with this with my own 13yo daughter. She has been having such boy trouble. She's broken up with two boys, cuz they cheat and than these boys' new girlfriends threaten my daughter on fb and via text. I tell her why find a boy now and have to deal with all this trauma and to just take care of yourself now!
September 13, 2012 at 7:52 PMCrap, DD is 12 and she doesnt get texts like these, but the boy is 15 and I am sure those hormones are racing for him.
September 14, 2012 at 12:35 PM
Thanks for this idea. I can't wait to weave this into our next converstaions with both daughters. "What do you like about him?" "What does he enjoy doing outside of school?" "Is he a smart person?" "How does he make you feel?" I can think of lot's of good questions that, as you said, turns it around to thinking about what qualities my daughters like in another person, not just whether they like her. So simple yet brilliant!
by SAMandySeptember 15, 2012 at 11:30 AMMy 13 yr old got texts just like this from a boy she knew from facebook but hadn't even met. Talking about what he'd do to her when they met, about taking her clothes off etc. I was so proud of her replies, telling him no, she was not that kind of girl. With my help, we blocked him every which way but Sunday. How forward!! So cocky and presumptuous. Disgusted me.
by Dayna29September 18, 2012 at 10:06 PM
They do talk like that and I wished that their parents would teach them a little respect now days. They started talking about who is dating who in the 5th grade at least. Yes the 15 year old boys would talk to a girl like that. Teach her to never show a pic no matter how many times he promises not to show. If they ever get into a fight or break up, it will go viral. She can get into trouble at school if it is seen. I remember at that age, girls were having sex at age 13, and that was back in the 90s. (I didn't but I was 16 when I did). I remember there was a boy that kept telling my sister that the green condom was for her when she was ready. She was only 13. They seem to be talking more at a younger age now. There is just no respect now days.
September 19, 2012 at 10:28 AM
Unfortunately they do. Not all do but at that age there is a lot of them that do. Kids are starting earlier then we did when it comes to all this. Just talk to her and explain it all. We can not control what the kids do out of our site but we can pray that they listen to what we have tried to teach them. Just keep reading her texts and what she does online. Don't ever let her think that you are not watching.