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Anonymous
I cant change my past
by Anonymous
January 15 at 12:55 PM
I am so over being judged for my past. People automatically the worst based on who I used to be. Yes. I had a drug problem. Yes I was wild and promiscuous and have 4 kids by 4 different men. I acted in several adult films. No, I didnt make good choices. I did a lot of crazy things in my late teens/20s.

But I have overcome my past. I am in a stable relationship with a good man. I have a good job. I have all of my kids and they are loved and well cared for and going places. I am basically your standard Mom in her late 30s today.

I hate feeling like I have to hide my past from people. it feels like I can never really get close to people because as soon as I feel comfortable enough to open up and do, they start judging. I cant ever tell my SO's family anything about my prior life because they would hate me. I have lost friends. I am always afraid my kids friends parents will somehow find out.

This is a difficult way to live and I hate it. I dont feel like people should have to pay forever for mistakes they made years ago.

Replies

  • Saphira1207
    January 15 at 12:58 PM

    Have you tried being a mentor/counselor at rehabs?  Those folks will not only want to hear your story, but will be inspired by it to do better themselves.

    It sounds like the people you've told so far don't see how you learned from your mistakes and aren't recognizing the growth you went through.

  • Anonymous 2
    by Anonymous 2
    January 15 at 1:00 PM
    Well, but that's life, you actually do have to live with mistakes from your past. Those follow you forever. It's how you learn from them, though that akes the difference.

    If the folks around you are judgy, move on and find new people. Not letting them have power over you is a skill you'll need to learn..
  • MissTuree
    January 15 at 1:01 PM
    I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hopefully you will find people, like your SO, who will love and appreciate you without judgement. I am of the mindset though that people don't need to know all the details of my life, what is important is who I am now. Unload on a therapist, not your friends. They shouldn't judge you, but at the same time they don't need to know everything either.
  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    January 15 at 1:01 PM
    Not at this point. I may consider it in the future but I have been focused on my own family for now.

    Quoting Saphira1207:

    Have you tried being a mentor/counselor at rehabs?  Those folks will not only want to hear your story, but will be inspired by it to do better themselves.

    It sounds like the people you've told so far don't see how you learned from your mistakes and aren't recognizing the growth you went through.

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    January 15 at 1:03 PM
    I understand what you mean but friendships feel very superficial when you cannot share a huge part of what you are and what you have been through with them.

    Quoting MissTuree: I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hopefully you will find people, like your SO, who will love and appreciate you without judgement. I am of the mindset though that people don't need to know all the details of my life, what is important is who I am now. Unload on a therapist, not your friends. They shouldn't judge you, but at the same time they don't need to know everything either.
  • Saphira1207
    January 15 at 1:05 PM

    Well, it may help you find a group of people who won't judge you for what you've done and been through.

    Many people manage to be a mentor and have families and jobs.

    It's about time management and priorities.

    So, if having non-judgemental friends is important you will look for a different group of people to be around.  mentoring gives you that ability.

    Just saying.

    Quoting Anonymous 1: Not at this point. I may consider it in the future but I have been focused on my own family for now.
    Quoting Saphira1207:

    Have you tried being a mentor/counselor at rehabs?  Those folks will not only want to hear your story, but will be inspired by it to do better themselves.

    It sounds like the people you've told so far don't see how you learned from your mistakes and aren't recognizing the growth you went through.


  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    January 15 at 1:08 PM
    I understand what you are saying. It might be a good avenue to take at some point, I agree. But part of my issue is I just want to fit into my life now. I want friends from work and Mom friends and to hng out with my SOs friends and not have to feel like I have to hide a part of who I am.

    Quoting Saphira1207:

    Well, it may help you find a group of people who won't judge you for what you've done and been through.

    Many people manage to be a mentor and have families and jobs.

    It's about time management and priorities.

    So, if having non-judgemental friends is important you will look for a different group of people to be around.  mentoring gives you that ability.

    Just saying.

    Quoting Anonymous 1: Not at this point. I may consider it in the future but I have been focused on my own family for now.

    Quoting Saphira1207:

    Have you tried being a mentor/counselor at rehabs?  Those folks will not only want to hear your story, but will be inspired by it to do better themselves.

    It sounds like the people you've told so far don't see how you learned from your mistakes and aren't recognizing the growth you went through.

  • Anonymous 3
    by Anonymous 3
    January 15 at 1:09 PM
    I spent 15 years in prison for a serious crime and have never once in my life felt judged by anyone. Mainly because no one knows. Don’t let people know your business, don’t let them talk about your business, be private, live your life on the up and up and they will judge you for who you are. The past is irrelevant, unless your rich and famous. 👀
  • notalice420
    January 15 at 1:11 PM

    Why are you telling so many people about your past for them to judge you? How does it come up in conversation? I can't think of any time I've felt the need to talk about what I did 20 years ago. 

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    January 15 at 1:12 PM
    Friendships feel very surface level and superficial when you have to hide such a big part of your life though.

    Quoting Anonymous 3: I spent 15 years in prison for a serious crime and have never once in my life felt judged by anyone. Mainly because no one knows. Don’t let people know your business, don’t let them talk about your business, be private, live your life on the up and up and they will judge you for who you are. The past is irrelevant, unless your rich and famous. 👀

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