I have twin boys. My ex left us when they were 6 months old. He "couldn't do twins" and left me with 7.14 to my name. I have an amazing family who got me through those dark days. Turns out that while my ex couldn't do twins... he could do the married dominatrix he met online.
Anyway, my boys are wonderful happy, well adjusted, normal kids. I sucked it up, gave up my dream of being a sahm, found a great job and support my family. When the boys were two, my little cottage had some electrical issues, I called an electrician who fixed my wiring and my broken heart. We got married a few weeks after the boys turned 4.
My ex has never seen my boys in all this time. I have sole custody. He does not have any visitation. He lives 1000 miles away. He never calls, never texts, never sends gifts...he's totally not in their lives.
But he does pay child support. My state forced him to. I don't need it. It goes in a college fund.
We don't talk about my ex often. The boys never ask about him. My new dh is "Daddy" to them. He's amazing.
I won't lie to my boys. But I admit I'm nervous about how to handle the question, when it comes.
I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want them to feel like they did something wrong that caused him to leave. I don't know what to say to them.
The older they get, the more likely it is they will ask why their last name is different.
I consider my boys lucky that my ex isn't in their lives. My husband wants to adopt them. He loves them completely.
The simple truth. That's all you can do and if and when the day comes you could write your ex and if he signs the ports relieve him of his child support and let your dh adopt the boys. Done deal. Few lawyer fees maybe.
I grew up on this situation. My parents were honest with me abut how it all happened. My bio dad fell in love with the sitter and kicked my mom out of the house. If he couldn't have full custody then he wanted nothing to do with me. I had an amazing dad that married my mom when I was 4 and adopted me when I was 12. He is my dad.
All you can do is tell them the truth. My ds is from my first marriage and my ex and I split when he was 7 months old. Same situation, no visitation ect. I remarried a great guy and have two daughters with him. My ex died last year and my son who is 13 now, never really has asked any questions, but when he does I will be open and honest with him.
My DH adopted my older two kids. They both have asked questions. I've been honest. Ss 16 is very mad at his bio dad. I explain we were young and his bio bad got scared and left. Ds said it was an excuse. Dd11 has asked a few questions but I left out that her biodad started to abuse me. She will never have contact with her biodad. Ds has his biodad on FB and they text. He's not allowed face to face meeting till he's 18.