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I am not letting my DD donate a kidney to her half sister
by Anonymous
February 2, 2014 at 12:56 PM
I have primary custody as well as sole medical, educational and religious decision making power for my ten year old DD. My ex has a DD with his girlfriend who is now 4 and needs a kidney transplant. Without my knowledge or consent, he took DD to be tested to see if she is a match. That alone violated the court order as he is only allowed to seek emergency medical services for her. As it happens she is a match. Last week, when my ex dropped her off after his visit, he told me he had her tested and she is and he thinks she should get to make that choice herself. Of course this was only after telling her she is a match and making her feel she has to. I talked to her about it and after realizing that he and his girlfriend have put it in her head that she doesn't have a choice there is no way I will even consider letting her do it. She said she was scared but felt like she had no choice. I told her that her half sister can get on a list and get one from someone who has already passed away and doesn't need their kidnies. I also explained that because she is so young there is a real risk that one kidney is not going to last her the rest of her life. Then i put it on myself and told her she has no reason to feel guilty because its not her choice anyway, its mine and I am saying no. She understands at least as well as she can and I told my ex that if he ever brings up donating again or in any way tries to make her feel guilty I will take him to court for violating the court order by having her tested. He said that he can't believe I am being "like this" and as her sister DD should donate. I have a feeling court will be in the near future. Seriously though, what kind of person puts pressure on one child to donate to another?


  • beeuk
    by beeuk
    February 4, 2014 at 5:29 AM

    Well I see both sides of it. Yes your Ex shouldnt of had her tested without your knowledge.  BUT......

    What would you do IF YOUR DD was in her sisters position and needed a organ transplant and her sister was the ONLY family member who match? She is 10 years old, yes a little young but she can make her own decision.

  • chellerowe
    February 4, 2014 at 5:48 AM
    I have one kidney myself. I lost one of mine due to problems from the time I was born. I know when I was young dealing w my issues my brohters or sisters would have stepped up in a heartbeat if my other wasn't healthy to let me live. However, what your ex did was completely wrong to make your dd feel she has no choice. But like someone else said later if her half sister dies because she didnt help and could have she may resent you for the choice your making. I am not saying go ahead and go w it but I would pray about it. Look into it and educate yourself as well as your daughter. And leave any hatred out for your ex or his gf because if that was your dd you'd move heaven and earth to get her what she needs, Im not excusing his behavior but somwtimes even when we have the best intentions out of deperation we stray from what is right! Just pray!
  • SuchAKillJoy
    February 4, 2014 at 7:21 AM

    Because the child who needs the kidney is four years old. You can not use a fully grown adult male's kidney in a little four year old's body. Its another reason why it is so hard to find organs for little children. For little children you need someone close in age or the organ will be to large.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    um if the daughter is a match isn't your ex a match too? Why doesn't he donate?

  • FinchsMommy
    February 4, 2014 at 8:16 AM
    Has you ex seen my sisters keeper? Sheesh!!!
  • unjust
    by unjust
    February 4, 2014 at 4:49 PM
    I have 2 children and their half sister died last year. She was only a few month old. My son, who is 18, still cries because he wishes he could hold her one last time. I know that both of my kids would have done anything to give their sister a chance at life and I would have supported that. Watching the pain in my ex-husband's new family and feeling the pain in my own family has been overwhelming to say the least.

    That being said, please educate yourself about this decision before you make a decision that will have an affect on your daughter's entire life. Your daughter still may not donate but find out if she will really have to take medication for the rest of her life, what the risks are to your daughter and how the process even works. I do know that donations from a family member are less likely to be rejected by the recipient and that your daughter will receive counseling before just to make sure it is her decision to do it or not do it. A neutral person should talk to her as your daughter will want to please everyone. All I'm saying is think about it. The decision you are making could lead to long term emotional damage to your daughter.
  • xoch86
    by xoch86
    February 4, 2014 at 6:39 PM

    Take him back to court. Protect that child!

  • AviannasMama
    February 5, 2014 at 12:24 AM
    He cant go ahead and the surgery for her himself can he? Im saying no because you have full custody of everything having to deal w her.

  • butzi
    by butzi
    February 5, 2014 at 10:57 PM
    This is not necessarily true. My brother lost a kidney in an accident when he was 12. He is now 45 and does not take medication. In fact when he had the accident both kidneys were ruptured but they were able to save enough of the one that it was able to regenerate. I'm not recommending that people run around handing out their kidneys, just saying that it IS possible to live a normal life with just one. That said your ex did a shady thing getting her tested and talking to her about it without talking to you first.

    Quoting JRSMOMMM:

    I feel bad for the 4 yr old girl, but why would you do that to a ten year old. Doesn't he understand that if you donate an organ, your daughter would have to take meds for the rest of her life... You made the right decision mom. A ten year old SHOULD not make a choice like that, expecially without both her mother and father sitting her down and explaining all the pros and cons.

  • Anonymous 84
    by Anonymous 84
    February 6, 2014 at 1:46 PM

    Any updates?

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