I use the code of hammurabi to parent my kids. For those of you that don't know what that is, its where "an eye for an eye" comes from.
I don't go to the same extreme as Hammurabi though. I wouldn't go around cutting their hands off.
Here are some examples of what I mean
If they steal something, they get something stolen from them. Meaning I will take something from them and NEVER give it back or buy them a replacement. Most likely I'll sell it, give it to the person they stole from or send it to the salvation army.
If they use bad language or talk back to an adult I have them hold their tounge until I tell them to stop. It gets uncomfortable and they can't talk (also they look silly).
If they neglect their responsibilities because they don't want to, I neglect my responsibilities. "Oops I didn't want to take you to dance practice" seems to get to my oldest and "I don't want to go to the pool" works for my youngest.
Of course this goes both ways. If they do something good, good things are returned to them.
I think it teaches empathy for other people. They don't want things to happen to them, so they don't do bad things to others. They respect others because they want to be respected as well. They know that whatever they do, or don't do to/for someone elsec an be returned to them tenfold. It also teaches them that if they good for other people, good things will happen to them. It works
I am too lazy to read and reply to all the messages so I am just going to address the FAQs right here.
1. What will happen when they try this on someone else?
Answer: They won't. They know that I am the adult and they are the children. They know it is not their place to discipline anyone else, but it is my job to discipline/reward them as I see fit. We are not equals. Did you ever try to give your friends spankings as a kid just because your parents spanked you? No (at least if you are a normal person you didn't)
2. How long do they hold their tongue for?
Answer: It varies depending on exactly what was said. 10 minutes is long enough. And yes they can breathe and swallow.
3. If it worked they wouldn't be doing those things?
Answer: It works, so they don't. When my kids came to me they were used to being on their own. So stealing, being disrespectful and shirking responsibilities were all they knew. Now, they have me, and I like order. So they respect that, and they respect others around them.
4. Does it really teach them anything but revenge?
Answer: Yes. My kids are egoists, they put themselves 1st (it comes from having to fend for themselves). By showing them how things they do feel to other people, in terms of themselves, they learn empathy. Before I started this they wouldn't care about how someone else felt when they stole something from them or called them a name. Now they know how it feels, so they don't inflict that pain to someone else.
5. What do I do if they hit someone else?
Answer: We haven't crossed this bridge. But I am not opposed to spanking so that would probably be what happens (or something equally as emotionally painful for my youngest). My kids don't hit each other, or other people. My youngest is terrified getting hit, so she doesn't hit others (because she has learned that everything that she does has an equal outcome) My oldest hasn't hit anyone. They aren't violent kids (also I think they are too old to be "hitting". That is something a 4 year old does when they don't get their way).
And yes, I do let them defend themselves if a problem persists and all avenues have been explored before it.
How old are they?
They are 8 and 10. Fully capable of understanding cause and effect.
Not something I'd do with a younger child. (For example, I wouldn't break a two/yo toy because they broke one) basically what I'm saying is that I don't believe this would work well or without extreme modification, until the child is old enough to reason or understand logic.
Not something I'm opposed to though
by ivyamDecember 28, 2013 at 11:28 AM
What I said was I would have preferred that punishment over some of the awful alternatives. Spend some time in a battered women's shelter where both mom and kids endured awful abuse, and it might change your perspective a bit. And no, I'm not going to video myself holding my tongue to prove anything, because there's no reason to. This is a forum where we obviously agree to disagree on certain parenting tactics, and that's sufficient for me.
I just attempted the tongue holding thing, and it didn't feel abusive at all. My mouth was a little dry, but that's about the extent of the damage. I wouldn't condone someone having the shit beat out of them daily or pushed around even occasionally. That comparison isn't even appropriate to the scenario. Maybe throw in another acceptable kid-related punishment to be fair and logical.
So many self-righteous parents in this thread who think their way is the best. Kids do need some form of discipline or they turn into little monsters who ultimately don't respect their parents or anyone else. Wake up, people. A child holding their own tongue is NOT abuse. I was an abused child, and I would have preferred this mother's method of punishment over the shit I had to endure. And even as an abused child, I only ever hit another child when they started a fight with me.
Get over yourselves, ladies.
No one said that children should not be disciplined.
If someone forced you to hold out your tongue for ten minutes while your family (and possibly a friend or two) sat there watching you -- then you might feel differently about this punishment.
If you had a friend whose husband beat the hell out of her, daily, would you be OK with your husband pushing you around every once in a while, because it's not nearly as bad as what your friend was suffering?
Now, how about holding out your tongue for 10 minutes (and see how it feels to try to breath and swallow) since you don't think it's abusive.
I seriously doubt that you did this little experiment for a full ten minutes, but if you want to prove it then take a 10 minute long video of youself with your tongue sticking out of your mouth, and post it.
You didn't feel abused, ivyam, because no one forced you to hold your tongue out of your mouth. It was your choice to sit there looking like a fool; rather than someoneewith power over you humiliating/degrading you by bullying you into sitting there like that.
The comparison (that I made) is fair, logical, and appropriate in that no one should be bullied/abused to *any degree.
It's not OK to hit a person ten times - or ONE time. And it's not OK for mothers to inflict a *certain punishments on their children just because you would have preferred those punishments; that's illogical.
by AnonymousDecember 28, 2013 at 11:30 AMIdo too a d when my ds but my dd I bit him to show him how it felt
by AnonymousDecember 28, 2013 at 11:35 AMOk? If I were going model after someone's parenting methods, I would most certainly not be yours. And I didn't need this post to come to that conclusion.
by AnonymousDecember 28, 2013 at 11:36 AMI will never understand how teaching cause and effect is considered abuse! Children aren't born knowing empathy and application of it...some people never learn it. Those are the ones who steal "because they wanted it", cheat because they think they should win, kill because it removes someone from inconveniencing them, and rape/molest because they wanted pleasure....
I know. I got the idea from a friend's mother. But I know some people think its "abuse".
Quoting Anonymous: You are not the only one that does that style of parenting... :)
by AnonymousJanuary 1 at 7:53 AMWhat did u mean by " when my kids came to me"? Are they foster children? Adopted ? Step? I am asking because I have my own plus step and my step son is out of control , I have to use an eye for an eye ! His bio mom let's him get away with murder though ( she is immature and lacks any sense ) so it's a non stop fight :(