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Family needing closure. Should I smuggle some ashes? UPDATE
by cfcf
October 9, 2013 at 8:50 PM
In 2010 my 23 year old step brother passed away. We were the same age and grew up together so we were close but had not been as close as we were in the passed because we had our own lives. His mother is holding his ashes and won't allow them to be split up or buried anywhere. His passing was very traumatic and sudden, and many of his family members still have not healed.

He loved his mother dearly but she is a pig. Her house is disgusting and he was embarrassed by it. The first year after his passing she kept his ashes in a shoebox. It took his fiancé coming over with an urn because she couldn't take not having him in a proper container.

I'm not fully aware of the whole situation as I don't have much of a relationship with his fiancé. However, I've seen my little sister (his sister too, same dad) and his dad suffer such pain over his passing.

My sister just left in tears because his birthday is in a few days and she had nowhere to "visit" him.

I feel like I'm the only one motivated to do something about it, but given I'm only his step sister I don't think I have a leg to stand on legally.

I feel like his ashes should be split. His mom, dad and two kids should have ashes, and the rest of the ashes need to be buried for his extended family to visit. No one feels like they've had any closure.

What can I do? Would it be a total dirtbag thing to do to sneak a scoop of the ashes and purchase a gravesite/headstone and give his father some too?

As far as my step brothers wishes, I'm not really sure if he has verbalized anything to anyone before passing. Knowing him, and his sense of humor I think he would find it hilarious if I smuggled some of his ashes.

I don't know, my heart is breaking for my sister. She asked me to take her to the river to throw some roses in...it's the only thing she can think of to memorialize him and remember him on his birthday. She would like to have a place to visit his remains. She's not comfortable visiting his ashes at his moms because its chaotic and gross over there. She is your stereotypical "welfare momma." So I don't blame her.

What options do I have?

UPDATE
thanks to those of you who were understanding and actually offered advice. Some of you are acting as if I have already taken some if his cremains.

I wrote this post moments after my sister left and my heart was breaking for her and I was mad. I've watched my step dad be consumed with guilt and become very ill over it. He is doing better now, but I wanted him to have the closure I think he needs.

You're right it's not my battle.

However, that does not change how I feel about his mother. She has done some mean spirited things to my family before his passing and I truly believe this is a control thing with her.

I'm going to look into planting a tree. My brother died of a heroin overdose. My step dad was in denial that he was actually using and that is why I think he can't heal, because he feels responsible.

Replies

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1
    October 9, 2013 at 8:58 PM
    See if you can get alittle of his ashes for you and immediate family mom dad bros sisters share him
  • cfcf
    by cfcf
    October 9, 2013 at 8:58 PM
    Bump
  • Anonymous 2
    by Anonymous 2
    October 9, 2013 at 8:58 PM
    How do you think his mom would react if she found out you did this? I see both sides but you may want to look into any possible ramifications or seriously try to get mom included in making an actual memorial for him even if she keeps his ashes.
  • rgba
    by rgba
    October 9, 2013 at 9:01 PM
    Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?
  • RandiBear
    October 9, 2013 at 9:02 PM

    Maybe plant a tree with a plaque in his honor. That way "he," in a sense, will continue to grow as the years go on. Maybe like an apple tree or something that produces fruit or beautiful flowers or something.

  • Mish321
    by Mish321
    October 9, 2013 at 9:04 PM
    Can you just visit his mother?
  • cfcf
    by cfcf
    October 9, 2013 at 9:04 PM
    Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.



    Quoting rgba:

    Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?
  • cfcf
    by cfcf
    October 9, 2013 at 9:06 PM
    That's a great idea, but where? Can I plant a tree in the woods somewhere? His dad goes up to the woods weekly and spends the day up there. I would love to surprise him like that.

    Quoting RandiBear:

    Maybe plant a tree with a plaque in his honor. That way "he," in a sense, will continue to grow as the years go on. Maybe like an apple tree or something that produces fruit or beautiful flowers or something.

  • cfcf
    by cfcf
    October 9, 2013 at 9:07 PM
    No, short of there actually being crack at the house it looks like a crack house. She's a total wreck and her house is so chaotic. It would not be a pleasant experience for anyone.

    Quoting Mish321:

    Can you just visit his mother?
  • funlovinlady
    October 9, 2013 at 9:08 PM

    If her homes such a hellhole, I'd take the whole thing & be done with it. 

    Bash away

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