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What's wrong with kids today?
by Anonymous
June 23, 2013 at 2:17 PM


http://www.positive-parents.org/2011/07/whats-wrong-with-kids-today.html?m=1


"Before you go and criticize the younger generation, just remember who raised them." - Unknown

We've all heard the complaints. Today's children are more disrespectful, undisciplined, and have a greater sense of entitlement than ever before. But do they? Alfie Kohn talks about this in his article Spoiled Rotten: A Timeless Complaint. He notes that "Parents today, we're informed,either can’t or won’t set limits for their children. Instead of disciplining them, they coddle and dote and bend over backward to shield them from frustration and protect their self-esteem. The result is that we’re raising a generation of undisciplined narcissists who expect everything to go their way, and it won’t be pretty -- for them or for our society -- when their sense of entitlement finally crashes into the unforgiving real world."

Sound familiar? 

He goes on to give 3 examples from authors stating the same concerns, published in 1962, 1944, and 1911, respectively. 

"The revelation that people were saying almost exactly the same things a century ago ought to make us stop talking in mid-sentence and sit down – hard. In fact, the more carefully we look at the cranky-wistful conventional wisdom about how children are raised, the less there is to be said in its favor." - Alfie Kohn

I've heard it over and over again. Kids need more discipline! Parents today are too soft! Well, depending on where you look for statistics, anywhere between 65% to 90% of American parents are spanking their kids. Here are some statistics I found:

- 68 percent of American parents think spanking is not only good but essential to child rearing;

- 90 percent of parents spank their toddlers at least three times a week; two-thirds spank them once a day;

- One in four parents begin to spank when their child is 6 months old, 50 percent when their child is 12 months old;

I'd say it's pretty clear that a lack of discipline is not "what's wrong with kids today." So what is wrong with kids today? Could it be that the only thing wrong with them is our perspective of them? Perhaps so.

But I have another theory.

I believe the problem is not a lack of discipline, but a lack of connection. For decades upon decades, we have raised children with fear (Do you want a spanking?), punishment (You're grounded for a week!), shame (You're such a naughty little girl), and coercion (If you don't pick up your toys, I'm throwing them in a trash bag!). We've become so wrapped up in "raising them right" that we've forgotten how to love them right. We've bought into the so-called experts advice of not spoiling them with too much attention, letting them cry it out, and not sparing the rod, and we've pushed aside our own instincts. Thus, parents have drawn a line between themselves and their children that dare not be crossed. "I'm your parent, not your friend!" This has been so ingrained throughout the generations that many don't even question it. (I'm questioning it, are you?) Naturally, we love our children. We give them hugs and praise, conditionally. We buy them the latest gadgets. But are we connected?

For too long, children have been seen and not heard.

It's time to hear them.

For too long, we've raised our children using fear tactics.

It's time to use love tactics.

A century's worth of complaints is more than enough evidence that we're doing something wrong. Depression and mental health issues are a major problem because adults have to put so much into healing their childhood wounds, and some never do heal.

Let's stop wounding them. Instead of punishing, teach. Instead of hitting, hug. Instead of isolating, get close. Instead of coercion, cooperate. Instead of conditional love, love unconditionally. Let's build strong relationships with our children, set good examples for them, and allow them to feel all of their emotions. Let's say "I'm right here with you" instead of "Go to your room!" Let's say "I hear how upset you are" instead of "Quit your crying." It's time to change the way we raise our children. 

"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation in the way we raise our children." - Marianne Williamson

Learn about what positive parenting really is. Learn how to set loving limits. Learn how to elicit cooperation through relationship. Learn how to break the cycle of fear, and begin a new cycle of love and connectedness.

If we do this, I guarantee our story will be different a generation from now. Imagine where we could be in a century...

Replies

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    June 23, 2013 at 4:19 PM


    Quoting MomTo2Boys12:

    What's wrong with today's kids? Their parents, that's who. Parents seem to find it more important to be their children's best friend, rather than parent. It's pathetic, really.

    Did you read this at all?

    How many people do you see who really want to be their kid's friend rather than teach and parent them?

    I don't know a single person who acts like that.

  • Lauriemom
    June 23, 2013 at 4:25 PM


    Quoting Anonymous:


    Quoting KimmieLu:

    Spanking does not equal discipline. I'm not against spanking, but too many parents assume that smacking their kid is "disciplining them."

    The problem IS a lack of discipline. Parents are too caught up in being the friend and protecting their kids emotions and egos that they forget to teach them how the world really works. If you throw a fit at your job, YOU GET FIRED, not a lovey-dovey let's express our feelings talk. If you haul off and throw something at a person because you're mad, you could go to jail. Not get told to use your words.

    I'm all for connecting with your kids and having a firm, trusting and loving relationship, but there needs to be consequences sometimes (not saying it has to be physical) rather than only an explanation of why it was wrong. Cause and effect is important.

    It sounds like you read this but... I'm stumped how you are still at this same conclusion.

    Setting boundaries, guiding and allowing consequences is exactly what this is suggesting.

    It's the attitude of not giving children the benefit of the doubt, or respect and space that leads to harsh, harmful and unnecessary punishments like spanking, yelling, shaming and being overly controlling.

    My ex boyfriend and his siblings were raised very strictly. Their parents were very old-fashioned and controlled them by inducing fear.

    They ALL grew up with severe problems. They all have done jail time, they are all extremely violent, dishonest, sadistic. A couple have schizophrenia and half of them have very sociopathic traits.

    This is an extreme example but I bet anything that most of the people in jail for violent crimes have a history of this kind of parenting.

    My parents did spank me occasionally, but they were loving and respectful towards me otherwise. I will admit I was kind of a brat sometimes. They made mistakes with parenting me, and my dad in particular raised me to think I was some kind of princess and I have certain issues because of his "worship" of me. I disagree with that and I don't believe in saving children from consequences.

    BUT, I grew up to a very compassionate, kind and empathic person as a direct result of the kindness and interest I was given growing up.

    As one of the comments in the article said, there is a big difference between permissive parenting and gentle parenting.


    Up untill this part in red I was all in agreement with you. But Schizophernia is not caused by abuse or how you are raised. Surely you know that? 

  • Leissaintexas
    June 23, 2013 at 4:27 PM
    I'm not my child's friend. I am their protector, provider, teacher,advocate, and authority. I am also very connected to them. I feel like I am not just raising children, I am creating adults. They are my world, but I am not their friend. I will be hard on them, but they get that its because I care about their future. I have successfully gotten one to adulthood and he is very thankful that I wasn't afraid to be the bad guy when necessary.
  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    June 23, 2013 at 4:29 PM


    Quoting Lauriemom:


    Quoting Anonymous:


    Quoting KimmieLu:

    Spanking does not equal discipline. I'm not against spanking, but too many parents assume that smacking their kid is "disciplining them."

    The problem IS a lack of discipline. Parents are too caught up in being the friend and protecting their kids emotions and egos that they forget to teach them how the world really works. If you throw a fit at your job, YOU GET FIRED, not a lovey-dovey let's express our feelings talk. If you haul off and throw something at a person because you're mad, you could go to jail. Not get told to use your words.

    I'm all for connecting with your kids and having a firm, trusting and loving relationship, but there needs to be consequences sometimes (not saying it has to be physical) rather than only an explanation of why it was wrong. Cause and effect is important.

    It sounds like you read this but... I'm stumped how you are still at this same conclusion.

    Setting boundaries, guiding and allowing consequences is exactly what this is suggesting.

    It's the attitude of not giving children the benefit of the doubt, or respect and space that leads to harsh, harmful and unnecessary punishments like spanking, yelling, shaming and being overly controlling.

    My ex boyfriend and his siblings were raised very strictly. Their parents were very old-fashioned and controlled them by inducing fear.

    They ALL grew up with severe problems. They all have done jail time, they are all extremely violent, dishonest, sadistic. A couple have schizophrenia and half of them have very sociopathic traits.

    This is an extreme example but I bet anything that most of the people in jail for violent crimes have a history of this kind of parenting.

    My parents did spank me occasionally, but they were loving and respectful towards me otherwise. I will admit I was kind of a brat sometimes. They made mistakes with parenting me, and my dad in particular raised me to think I was some kind of princess and I have certain issues because of his "worship" of me. I disagree with that and I don't believe in saving children from consequences.

    BUT, I grew up to a very compassionate, kind and empathic person as a direct result of the kindness and interest I was given growing up.

    As one of the comments in the article said, there is a big difference between permissive parenting and gentle parenting.


    Up untill this part in red I was all in agreement with you. But Schizophernia is not caused by abuse or how you are raised. Surely you know that? 

    It is a combination of genetics and environment.

    They were predisposed to it. Their father had it and was raised in a very abusive and neglectful situation which can bring out tendencies for personality disorders, one of them being schizophrenia.

    I thought this was common knowledge.

  • KGreen75
    June 23, 2013 at 4:31 PM
    - 90 percent of parents spank their toddlers at least three times a week; two-thirds spank them once a day;

    Fucking disgusting parents.
  • Anonymous 3
    by Anonymous 3
    June 23, 2013 at 4:31 PM

    I was right there with you until it turned to the new age touchy feely crap. Seriously, "I hear how upset you are"? They are upset because they did something wrong and are in trouble. Children need structure, discipline, love, limits, expectations.......what they don't need is someone encouraging them to feel more deeply and to talk it out. As a parent our job is to raise our children to be responsible, self sufficient, good adults. We are not their friends, nor are we the enemy, we are the gatekeepers. We protect them from harm and prepare them for life. Once they are independent adults, then we can be friends. The greatest generation our country has seen had none of the things you suggest, they didn't have phones, ipads, ipods, tv, or time outs. They had trees to climb, chores to do and were expected to behave. Or else. The generation that fought for our country in WWII lived hard lives and led exemplary lives and you know what? They raised a generation of fine people too - my parents among them. Now I see kids my childrens age with earrings (boys) and saggy pants, girls dressed like hookers and parents who give them no boundaries, who say "well, little Jimmy wanted to get a tattoo at 14 so I signed the consent, I just want him to be his own person, to be happy" Come on. I am not saying don't love your kids, or beat them in to submission, but they need limits, they need to understand we are the person or people responsible for them and our rules are to be followed.

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    June 23, 2013 at 4:33 PM
    This article clearly does not disagree with setting limits. Getting a child to be aware of what they are feeling and talk it out is EXACTLY what they need. That is the craziest sentence I've read today.
    Quoting Anonymous:

    I was right there with you until it turned to the new age touchy feely crap. Seriously, "I hear how upset you are"? They are upset because they did something wrong and are in trouble. Children need structure, discipline, love, limits, expectations.......what they don't need is someone encouraging them to feel more deeply and to talk it out. As a parent our job is to raise our children to be responsible, self sufficient, good adults. We are not their friends, nor are we the enemy, we are the gatekeepers. We protect them from harm and prepare them for life. Once they are independent adults, then we can be friends. The greatest generation our country has seen had none of the things you suggest, they didn't have phones, ipads, ipods, tv, or time outs. They had trees to climb, chores to do and were expected to behave. Or else. The generation that fought for our country in WWII lived hard lives and led exemplary lives and you know what? They raised a generation of fine people too - my parents among them. Now I see kids my childrens age with earrings (boys) and saggy pants, girls dressed like hookers and parents who give them no boundaries, who say "well, little Jimmy wanted to get a tattoo at 14 so I signed the consent, I just want him to be his own person, to be happy" Come on. I am not saying don't love your kids, or beat them in to submission, but they need limits, they need to understand we are the person or people responsible for them and our rules are to be followed.

  • othermom
    June 23, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    I try to do both. I have good times with the kids, they know i love them, but they also get punished when needed/

  • KimmieLu
    June 23, 2013 at 4:34 PM
    I get what you're saying. I never said kids should be yelled at or that parents should use fear as punishment. I said that spanking is not the same as discipline. You brought up yelling, shaming, etc. I see discipline as an appropriate consequence for an action. I see a lack of discipline when a parent uses only redirection or explaination of why something is wrong. Again, I believe in teaching cause and effect. Explain why its wrong and then tell them because you did X, you're not getting Y.

    Its my personal opinion that kids today are too coddled and lack discipline. This can go back and forth all day, but that's my view.


    Quoting Anonymous:


    Quoting KimmieLu:

    Spanking does not equal discipline. I'm not against spanking, but too many parents assume that smacking their kid is "disciplining them."



    The problem IS a lack of discipline. Parents are too caught up in being the friend and protecting their kids emotions and egos that they forget to teach them how the world really works. If you throw a fit at your job, YOU GET FIRED, not a lovey-dovey let's express our feelings talk. If you haul off and throw something at a person because you're mad, you could go to jail. Not get told to use your words.



    I'm all for connecting with your kids and having a firm, trusting and loving relationship, but there needs to be consequences sometimes (not saying it has to be physical) rather than only an explanation of why it was wrong. Cause and effect is important.

    It sounds like you read this but... I'm stumped how you are still at this same conclusion.

    Setting boundaries, guiding and allowing consequences is exactly what this is suggesting.

    It's the attitude of not giving children the benefit of the doubt, or respect and space that leads to harsh, harmful and unnecessary punishments like spanking, yelling, shaming and being overly controlling.

    My ex boyfriend and his siblings were raised very strictly. Their parents were very old-fashioned and controlled them by inducing fear.

    They ALL grew up with severe problems. They all have done jail time, they are all extremely violent, dishonest, sadistic. A couple have schizophrenia and half of them have very sociopathic traits.

    This is an extreme example but I bet anything that most of the people in jail for violent crimes have a history of this kind of parenting.

    My parents did spank me occasionally, but they were loving and respectful towards me otherwise. I will admit I was kind of a brat sometimes. They made mistakes with parenting me, and my dad in particular raised me to think I was some kind of princess and I have certain issues because of his "worship" of me. I disagree with that and I don't believe in saving children from consequences.

    BUT, I grew up to a very compassionate, kind and empathic person as a direct result of the kindness and interest I was given growing up.

    As one of the comments in the article said, there is a big difference between permissive parenting and gentle parenting.



  • Djinn83
    by Djinn83
    June 23, 2013 at 4:34 PM

     I blame it on the break down of the community. WHen I was a kid, and a neighbor saw me doing something stupid, they would snatch me up, and take me to my mother. Nowadays its "MYOB" and parents actually getting angry when another is just looking out for their child.

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