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My step kids birth mother died
May 25, 2013 at 6:06 PM
Dh and I have had full custody of my step kids for 6 years. It has been that long since BM has seen the kids. It has been two years since she talked to them. All of that was her own choice. Today a sheriff from the state she was living in called dh to let him know she had killed herself. And now we have to tell our kids. BM's mom is driving out to be here when dh tells the kids, she will be here in 7 or 8 hours. They are going to be so hurt, it's killing me. The kids are 10 (11 next month), 9 and 8. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about them being in pain.

Thanks for the good wishes. We don't know what we will tell them, dh and Grami (BM's mom) will figure it out when she gets here. That's when they will figure out if there will be a funeral or what. Dh has spent the last few hours looking at old photos and showing them to the kids.

We told the kids, this morning, and told them the truth. My step daughter (8) was very upset, my step sons cried a little but not as much. We took a hike had lunch and then just relaxed. They are still sad but doing ok. The medical examiners office is closed until Tuesday, so dh has to wait until then to talk to them. We will leave it up to the kids if they want to go to a funeral or not. Everything else we are just going one day at a time. Again thank you for the kind words.


  • TXMOM1980
    May 26, 2013 at 10:22 PM

    hugs just be there for the kids and bio mom moms/

  • OneToughMami
    May 26, 2013 at 10:30 PM

    Try and find a support group. Look up AFSP. They may have a local support group. The kids might like that.

  • emarin77
    May 26, 2013 at 10:38 PM

    My mother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia right before I turned 8 years and my brother was 5.  We never saw our mom until I was 12 and brother 10 years.  Our mother was in the hospital that whole time.  The best thing my dad was him always being there for us and making life as normal as possible.  Our mother died when I turned 22 though.

  • insanemomof4
    May 26, 2013 at 10:39 PM
    I totally agree with u

    Quoting illogicalkat:

    Just be there for them. Keep loving them & let them know that you do.

    And I wouldn't tell them that she committed suicide. They don't really need to know that, not right now at least.

  • Prdmmyof678
    May 26, 2013 at 10:51 PM
    Poor kids just keep doing what you're doing and support them ex committed suicide almost 5 years ago...we had 4 kids together and his new wife had kids don't know the truth..they think he had a heart attack he was having health issues..those kids are lucky to have you in their lives...hugs to you
  • TeamTARDIS
    May 26, 2013 at 10:53 PM
    Wow, I feel so badly for these boys :(
  • Sunshine2plus2
    May 26, 2013 at 10:54 PM

    Oh my I am sorry, I lost my father to suicide when I was 14. It is the worst thing ever. Prayers to those children, it will be a hard road!

  • happy-go-lucky
    May 27, 2013 at 12:09 AM
    You mean when the bio mom chooses not to raise her kids she feels bad, that that causes her to kill herself?

    My step kids bio mom made a choice to be away from her kids. Made the choice to move states away. Made the choice to cut contact.

    She was mentally ill and that influenced her bad choices, but everything was her choice. No one forced anything on her.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    This is what happens, when the biological mother, can't raise her own child, while another woman can raise her biological children instead. the biological mother's self esteem is lost, knowing she can't raise her own children, all the while, she knows another woman gets to raise the biological mother's children. and then the biological mother kills herself.

  • happy-go-lucky
    May 27, 2013 at 12:32 AM
    Thanks for the suggestion about the balloon, we might do that.

    Quoting nikkichris612:

     HUGS to you! I've been there.  My 6 year old son lost his father a year and a half ago.  The one thing that helped him tremendously is a book called "Never far when in my heart."  We got it online, from amazon maybe....anyway, he still keeps it on his nightstand and reads it regularly.  It truly helps and fills in all those times where you don't know what to say.  Praying for all of you.  Maybe for them you could have them write a note and tie it to a helium balloon to go up to heaven so "she can read it..."  I did that for my son and it helped. A lot. 

  • maiahlynn
    May 28, 2013 at 3:48 PM

    I would tell the docotor but not them until they were adults I think it would be too much for a kid to know/handle

    Quoting Anonymous:

    If any of the children ever need to seek psychological help, it would be important to know a biological parent has committed suicide. Some medications have way higher rates of suicidal ideations and would need to be avoided.

    Quoting maiahlynn:

    I would tell them she passed but I wouldnt tell them the details I wouldnt tell them she killed herself.. mot until they were much much older maybe never.

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