DH and I have been married for 9 months, when we got married I was 9 weeks pregnant, and sadly I lost the baby 4 weeks after :( It was a quick ceremomy, I thought I was pregnant, took the test, and the next evening he proposed. I feel like I just rushed it all, I wanted it so bad, ignoring her and her presence in our lives.
DH had a rough childhood, he was abused by his stepfather and neither parent was really there or had the ability to stop it. In high school, his girlfriend's family offered to take him in, and he was with the girl until he was 25, he considers them his family. One of her brothers is his best friend and he doesn't like me at all, although he's respectful to me. The entire family with the exception of her were at our wedding- her parents, grandparents, and her 3 brothers- 2 were in the wedding. They are all respectful of me and my 5 year old DD (not DH's) but they all seemed sad it wasn't her marrying him. There were a few comments made that I didn't personally hear, but friends of mine did.
DH got a call from her tonight- she's never called since we married as far as I know. Her father died, unexpectedly. It was so strange, he cried on the phone with her, I've never seen him cry. Not when I miscarried his child or at our wedding. He said he'd be right there and asked me to go to the hospital with him. I said I'd follow him, I dropped DD off at my sister's.
I reached the hospital and was about to text DH when her oldest brother saw me and said I'll take you to DH. I saw them as soon as we rounded the corner, they were right outside the hospital room and he was hugging her. I saw the way he was looking at her after, he didn't notice her brother and I until we were a few steps away. He came right over to me and all I could do was give her my condolences but I wanted to scratch her eyes out. I told DH I had to go, I couldn't stay, I had to pick up DD. He said ok and he stayed with them. He still isn't home, I called him right before I wrote this, and he was at her parents' house- where he lived, and they were reminising. He sounded like he was drinking.
If I tell him to come home, he will be upset, these people are family to him. It's just her that bothers me, and I'm not sure if it should. She left him because her family found out her mother was cheating on her father, the one that died, and her youngest brother's paternity was in question and he was her father's. She felt like that would be her some day and she couldn't marry DH. He was devastated and tried to get her back many times. I'm the first person he dated after her, I feel like I should have been or I am a rebound.
How would you feel? What should I do?
Update- A cab dropped off my highly intoxicated DH in our driveway, 5 min before I was going to call. This means his car is there and I'll go with him to get it tomorrow. It's good he didn't drive tonight, he crawled in the house, and then to the couch. I took off his shoes for him and leaned over to kiss his cheek so I could smell him. He smells like tequila. I'm going to go to bed. I'll update tomorrow when I know about funeral arrangements, etc. I plan to be there with him and to discuss how we both feel maybe a week after. I know he's in mourning, I don't want to upset him, I don't think he knows I'm hurt. I need to know how he feels about me and her.
She just called his cell, he's passed out so I let it go to VM. I listened to it and she called to see if he got home safely and to thank him for always being there and being someone she could count on no matter what.
I hate this. I'm crying.
I woke up about 30 min ago to have coffee before DD and I get ready for school (I'm a second grade teacher). DH woke up when I went in the room and I said to him rough night, huh. He said yes and sorry it went so late. He said he's going to go upstairs to rest because he has to go to the funeral home at 11. I said you're not going to work and he said no, not for the rest of the week. The family is Catholic and they have a thing were the body has to be in the ground by the third day, so they are hoping to wake him Friday and bury him Saturday. He went up to bed but left his phone on the coffee table. I couldn't help it, I looked at it. He texted her around 4AM:
Hey just heard ur message, hope u r sleeping but ditto.
her: don't make me laugh
him: what else am i good for?
her: I've been up all night, evan (her bro and DH's best friend) went to bed an hour ago
him: after all u 2 drank?
her: u drank more than both of us, we have a shortage here now thanks to u
him: I passed out in the cab, crawled in the house and to the couch. I was gone
her: Yeah I was worried havent seen u that fucked up in awhile.
him: u should get some sleep we got a long day tomorrow. take a tylenol pm
him: see u tomorrow.
It feels like they know each other so well, he's very comfortable with her still. This is the most I've seen them interact ever. I've seen them together 3 times and DH always kept his distance, except for last night.
Update: Went to her mother's for dinner...
I'm not able to take a few days off from work because I am a second grade teacher and we have less than 2 weeks left of school. I texted DH during my lunch asking what are the plans for tonight and that I'd like to join him. He said he was invited to her mother's house for dinner and to pick out pictures to use at the slideshow for the wake and asked if I wanted to go. I said yes, thinking of how I need to be there to support him. He texted back Really? And I said of course honey. He said he'd meet me at home, we'd get ready, drop off DD with my sister and go together.
Tension seemed to running high when we arrived but they started drinking and they seemed to relax. Her mother gave me a hug and said thank you for coming, and I said I wish it was on better circumstances. She was sitting on a couch near her brother (DH's best friend) and DH sat on the other side of Evan and I sat on a chair right next to DH. Her oldest brother was saying they had a bad day with their youngest brother who is 11 and not taking his dad's death well. DH said I'll run upstairs and check on him. DH moved in with them when he was a toddler. And I was left alone with the family. Her oldest brother started speaking to me about the funeral details an DH came downstairs and took me aside and asked if I minded having her little brother for the night just to give him a change of scenery and I do feel a little put off by it but I agreed.
We ate dinner and not much attention was paid to me. But later we moved to the living room and they have about 25 photo albums and everyone took a few to pick out pics for the slideshow. This is when I started to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Apparently, Evan's (DH's best friend) many girlfriends were in the albums and DH and her were making fun of each one and finishing each other's sentences in the process. DH proposed a drinking game that they each take a shot when they spot a different girl with Evan. She's much different from me, I drink girly drinks as DH says and she's downing shots as quickly as the guys were. The three of them moved closer together, Evan in the middle, and were looking in the same album. He was saying it sucks you two are in every pic together, I can't make fun of your bad dates. I saw many pics of them together, looking happy from the time they were teenagers to 2011. I was getting really upset and it seems her oldest brother noticed and said oh don't worry you get use to those 3 after awhile. it's been like this since they were kids. Then he says though you probably don't want to get use to it. She seemed to realize at this point I was uncomfortable and asked me how was my daughter and how I liked teaching. She was nicer to me than I thought she would be. We got ready to leave and took the little brother. He and my DD were playing the Wii together at home and DH asked me what I thought about them and I said she seemed nice if that's what you are really asking me, and that I was surprised. DH says yeah she's pretty amazing. Whoa really? I asked him where did that come from? And he said she's a good person, what do you think I mean? He's playing the Wii with the kids and I don't care to continue the conversation with them up. I'm pissed off.
Update: The wake
I told DH this morning that I felt like I should be at the wake with him. He said okay we have to take separate cars cause it starts at 4 and I don't leave work until 3:30 plus I have to run home to change. I said that's fine. I said I wanted him to go to the funeral with me as in the same car and sit with him. He said I'll check with her mom. I asked why does she make all the decisions and he said it's her DH that died and wouldn't i want to make the decisions if he died? I said whether you ride in a car and sit with your wife has nothing to do with the funeral arrangements and I would never separate and husband and wife. He said I was overreacting. Her brother who spent the night started looking for DH so he ran over to him. I tried to kiss DH before i left with DD and he pulled away.
I got to the funeral home for the wake at 4:15, there was a line to see the body and to go through the receiving line, the order was her mom, her grandmother in a wheelchair (her dad's mom), her oldest brother, Evan, her, and DH. They didn't see me right away and they were standing closely together at certain moments he touched her hand, back, and shoulder. After a few people made their way through the line, she noticed me and took a few steps away from DH. I went through the line, shaking hands and when I got to DH, I hugged him and gave him a kiss. He told me to take a seat with her oldest brother's girlfriend and give him a minute so he could chat with us. I sat down next to her and she said she'd be there all night as well and we could keep each other company and started chatting with me. DH came over and said I hoped you two would like each other, and said the plan for tomorrow is her and I would ride together and sit together at the funeral tomorrow in the third pew of the church- 2 rows behind him. I said we can discuss it later and he said not really plans are made. Got to get back in line. I asked the brother's girldriend how she felt about this and she said I'm use to it. The mother is horribly controlling and she has DH wrapped around her little finger. She said she's been with the oldest brother on and off for 7 years and she can't stand most of the family. She limits her time with them and she's letting it go for tomorrow cause she doesn't want to cause a huge scene. She said the dad that died was a great person, he had a temper but a heart of gold and she has way too much respect for him to cause a scene. She said her bf is a lot like the dad and he has barely spoken to his mom since they found about her cheating. He wants custody of the little brother now that dad is gone... I asked her how well did she know DH and she pretty well. He's a great guy and really tries to hold the family together, no easy feat. She said they were shocked when he told them he was marrying me, I asked why and she said just that it was fast. I asked if it was because of her and she said that too. She told me she's happy for me that it is working out. It was then that I looked up and saw he hold her hand for a second, she noticed too and said yeah, that's been happening, I said what has? And she says he's been a little touchy feely with her. I said I noticed. She said yeah they probably shouldn't spend too much time together, I asked why and she said I wouldn't be comfortable with it personally. I changed the subject I wasn't sure if she was going to report anything I said to anyone in the family.
Nothing else major happened there, DH hugged her before we left in separate cars to go home. we got home at the same time and he went up to bed, I asked him to wait for me and he said I'm beat. DD is at her dad's this weekend, so I'm up trying to process everything, trying to decide if I should go to the funeral, wondering why DH won't kiss me unless its at the funeral home and he can't pull away. We haven't had sex since her dad died, and why he kept touching her, why she stepped away when she saw me, and if the brother's girlfriend has a reason for what she said to me...
Update: This morning
I told DH I'd like to talk with him before the funeral. I told him that I love him and I'm here to support him but I feel he's not leaning on me enough. I said I know this isn't about me but I feel like an outcast not your wife. I asked him could he sit with me at the funeral, he could ride in the limo, and give his reading as planned, but to just sit 2 rows back with me. He said I know this is hard on you, he said its just one more day, and he'd grieve with me and spend all his time with me. I said I feel he is getting too close to her. He said she's taking this really hard, her mother's making a lot of demands of the family- not only you and I- and she feels her mother shouldn't have so much control cause she questions if her mom ever loved him. I said not my problem. He said I touched her a few times yesterday because she was feeling faint and had to be on her feet those 4 hours, I was letting her lean on me, not trying to have sex with her at the wake. I said I didn't say you were trying to have sex just that you two are connecting. He said I've know her more than half my life, we do have a connection, she saved my life years ago. I keep my distance under normal circumstances, and that I can't say he hasn't. I told him I wanted to stay home from the funeral and he said he thinks that is best and we'd talk when he gets in.
He got ready and came over to me and hugged me and said don't worry, I love you, I married you, and to go out today with my mother or sister and do something fun and not worry. Then he left. Maybe I've been wrong about him.
Update: He didn't deny it....
This will be my final update for this post, if anything happens that relates to this post in the future, I will link it.
DH came home from the funeral and I said I wanted to continue our talk from this morning. I said to him I'm not comfortable with her and I'd like him to have no contact with her from this time forward. He looked at me for a moment and said he didn't think he could promise that. He said that she is someone he would always be there for and vice versa. He said that it would be like how it was since we been married, she never called or texted until her father died and they never hung out except these last few days with the family. He said he couldn't imagine himself saying to her never call me again, my wife wants me to have no contact with you, I don't care what happened. He said it's not like I will seek her out and try to meet up or anything but it something life-changing happens she's my first call. He said I'd hate to see her at the house or run into her somewhere and feel guilty or think I did something wrong by saying hi, what's up?
Then I asked are you in love with her? And he said that would be a waste of time, don't you think? I asked why and he said I gave her a million chances to take me back. To be honest up until you got pregnant and we got engaged, I told her I'd leave you in a heartbeat for her! I was ready to hit him but then he said she didn't want me back and I needed to do what was right for our baby. I said you married me out of obligation? He said yes but there's no obligation now is there? The day he told Evan I miscarried, Evan thought he was calling to say he'd be crashing on his couch, and he said the thought never crossed my mind. I asked why and he said i don't know, maybe I remembered the vows we took, or I saw I strong you were when we lost our baby, and I saw what a fabulous mother you are to your daughter and thought I would like my own child to have a mom like that, or I saw how much you would sacrifice to make me happy. Probably one of those reasons. I asked what if she told you tonight she wanted you back and he said it's too late, I'm married. I asked him if we could go to marriage counseling and he said if it makes you feel better, I will.
I think we can work this out. There were some things I didn't like to hear but I really feel he wouldn't leave me for her or cheat on me.
by Anonymous 1 - Original PosterMay 16, 2013 at 12:02 AM
I know he is sad but he was so caring with her in a way he isn't with me.
Of course he hugged her, her father died. The "look" he gave her was probably sadness this man was an important part of his life too.
by Anonymous 2May 16, 2013 at 12:05 AM
I don't think I could have went through with that relationship. It sounds all wrong. You deserve better, imo.
by Anonymous 1 - Original PosterMay 16, 2013 at 12:07 AM
I don't think I could have went through with that relationship. It sounds all wrong. You deserve better, imo.
Thank you. He's normally really great with me and DD, but I don't feel like his heart is in it. I think he married me for the baby.
by Anonymous 3May 16, 2013 at 12:07 AM
Hire a lawyer...you are going to be going through a divorce soon....Things like this bring people together....
by Anonymous 4May 16, 2013 at 12:07 AMId have my husband come home. There's no need for him to be over at the house this late. I understand that your dh and her family was close but that's pushing it a bit.