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I was told a "secret" about my dh and his friends. I don't think I can get past it
by Anonymous
March 18, 2013 at 1:44 PM

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We were together for 3 yrs before we got married. 

When we first got together he introduced me to his friends. He was very close to his bestfriend and his wife. I became close to them as well. The 4 of us always hung out and they stood in our wedding. 

Over the weekend the 4 of us went out to celebrate St Patricks Day. We have been out to bars many times in the past and we always have a great time, this particular night was no different. Until me and the other girl went to the ladies room. 

While we were in the ladies room and freshning up our makeup and chit chatting she starts talking about orgies and 3-somes and 4-somes. She asks me if I have ever participated in anything like that and I confessed to doing something silly and minor in my early 20's. I asked her the same question and she responded with "oh yes, we used to have lots of fun together" .. I said "you and mark?"(her dh and my dh's bff) and she says "yes and with someone else you know very well" I was dumbfounded so asked who.. and she just sort of looks at me and says "oh my god you really don't know do you" i said "don't know what" she wasn't going to tell me but I was very persistent and I could tell that she thought I would be upset if I knew. I finally got it out of her... 

apparently before I met my DH the 3 of them used to have orgies. More than once, I guess it happened "many times for a couple of years" .. the last time it happened was just a few weeks before him and I got together. She swears there has not been any 3-somes since him and I have been together. I basically told her that I am not to sure what to think about all of this. I had been drinking and wanted to try to keep a level head and not over react, because it is so easy to do when you have been drinking and I didn't want to embarass myself.

When we got back to the area we were hanging out, I told my DH that I wanted to go home and of course he wanted to know why and Mark wanted to know what was going on - I told him to talk to his wife. I didn't say anything more and I left. I was waiting outside and DH came out, I figured because it took him a bit to come outside that she must have told him why I was upset. The first thing he said to me was, "I knew you would be upset if you knew because of the type of person you are so I didn't want you to know" he said "I wanted you to like them and be friends with them" 

The cab ride home was silent. When we got home I told him there was no point in talking about it because he never had any intentions of ever telling me so why start now. 

The type of person I am? what kind of crap is that! I was good enough to marry and good enough to be the mother of your son. Im good enough to share a bank account with but not good enough to know that you used to fuck your bestfriends wife in front of him! 

I am not upset that they used to do that, although I think it's gross and he's right I most likely wouldn't have liked them. I am more upset that I wasn't told. 

I don't know how to get past this. Obviously he has no intention of ever doing that again, I know that he is faithful to me. But I don't know how I am going to ever be friends with 2 these people again. I will never look at them the same. I don't even want to look at the wedding pictures on my wall with them in them. I think I will remove them. 


  • lucky2Beeme
    March 18, 2013 at 1:47 PM

    Its his past. It has no bearing on who he is today. If you knew before marrying him would it have prevented you from marrying him? I don't understand why his past pisses you off yet your own past was very similar.

  • Anonymous 2
    by Anonymous 2
    March 18, 2013 at 1:49 PM
    I think you are overreacting.
  • CjEmmemommy
    March 18, 2013 at 1:49 PM

    He stopped when he met you. That's all that matters.

  • GhettoKoolAide
    March 18, 2013 at 1:51 PM
    It's sex. You need to take a chill pill deary.
  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 18, 2013 at 1:51 PM

    nothing would have stopped me from marrying him! 

    The point is, we are friends with these people. For the past 4 years I have spent almost every weekend with the 3 of them. Now I will never be able to look at the 3 of them together the same again. I used to think of them as brothers and sister. Now I am grossed out! 

    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Its his past. It has no bearing on who he is today. If you knew before marrying him would it have prevented you from marrying him? I don't understand why his past pisses you off yet your own past was very similar.

  • Mom2KIL
    by Mom2KIL
    March 18, 2013 at 1:51 PM
    I am sorry that happened. I guess I just don't get why she even brought it up. If he hasn't cheated on you then why did she want you to know? Did she want you to join in or did she want to cause problems between you and your DH so that she could get some action from him? I wouldn't be their friends either simply because she is trying to cause problems in your marriage. Although I think it is odd behavior, the past is the past, and I wouldn't be upset with your DH because he hasn't been unfaithful to you. But that is hard to wrap your head around. Sorry momma!!! Good luck!
  • LuLuThatsWho
    March 18, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    I would feel exactly the way that you do.  I'm sorry.

  • Anonymous 3
    by Anonymous 3
    March 18, 2013 at 1:52 PM
    I wouldn't be able to hang out with them anymore. Find someone who hasn't fucked your man to be BFFs with.
  • Lovebugbaby
    March 18, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    I'd be a little upset he didn't tell me too. It's kind of embarrassing to have spent time with them and what not, to know they knew something you didn't. BUT I'd be happy to know now, and would definitely ask questions. 

  • AnHpuresugar
    March 18, 2013 at 1:53 PM

    I do think you have a right to be angry.  It isn't that it happened or that he will be unfaithful, but that he KNOWINGLY kept the information from you and then facilitated a friendship between you and this couple.  That was wrong.  You should have been told and then you could have decided if you wanted to be friends with them or not.

    Your husband was wrong.  He lied to you.

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