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Anonymous
Private lessons + kids?
by Anonymous
March 8, 2013 at 4:06 AM

DD is 21 and autistic. She has private singing/guitar lessons, an hour a week. She came home today with a silly smile on her face and I asked what was up; she said that her teacher had changed, and that he was really really cute. I'm a bit worried because DD has a habit of behaving innapropriately with boys and I've had to recently revert to asking her who/what/when/where/why and making her check in when she goes out. She does this because some little cow in her old high school told her that being a slut was "cool" and hasn't managed to get it out of her head since. The music school told me that because she's over 18, because she booked the lessons independantly, because she pays for her own lessons they can't talk to me about anything without DD being next to me. I want to know; I want to give her independance, but on the other hand is it too much that I randomly check in on lessons to make sure that he's not taking advantage of her? The room they are in is in the back of the store, where it isn't constantly in traffic. The manager said she hasn't heard anything suspicious but she is all the way at the front of the store... What do you mom's do with your kids having private lessons or tutoring in houses?

Replies

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 8, 2013 at 5:49 AM

    BUMP!

  • disneymom2two
    March 8, 2013 at 5:52 AM
    With my kids I'd be there but unless you went to court to have her declared incompetent legally I don't think they can tell you anything since she's an adult.
  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 8, 2013 at 5:56 AM


    They said that they can't stop me from being there. Or dropping in. As a parent of someone still living at home I have that right. But because she pays herself they can't disclose information over the phone.

    Quoting disneymom2two:

    With my kids I'd be there but unless you went to court to have her declared incompetent legally I don't think they can tell you anything since she's an adult.



  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 8, 2013 at 5:57 AM


    forgot to ask - would you go in every day or just randomly at random days and times?

    Quoting disneymom2two:

    With my kids I'd be there but unless you went to court to have her declared incompetent legally I don't think they can tell you anything since she's an adult.



  • romalove
    March 8, 2013 at 5:59 AM

    My daughter has private guitar lessons with a man at his house.  She is almost 17 and has been going there since she is 12.  It would not occur to me that something other than guitar was going on, but I don't have an autistic child who couldn't express to me if something was going on.  There is an open door policy anyway, and I can walk in (and have) whenever I wish.

    Why don't you get your daughter to take lessons with a woman instead of a man if she is autistic and you worry that she is inappropriate?

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 8, 2013 at 6:06 AM


    She can express it, she just can't see anything 'wrong'/being taken advantage of with it. hence why I can't convince her to switch to a female teacher; and because the music school hasn't noticed/seen anything they won't move her. So, did you have planned on when you would go in early or did you just do random times/days so that he knew nothing could happen?

    Quoting romalove:

    My daughter has private guitar lessons with a man at his house.  She is almost 17 and has been going there since she is 12.  It would not occur to me that something other than guitar was going on, but I don't have an autistic child who couldn't express to me if something was going on.  There is an open door policy anyway, and I can walk in (and have) whenever I wish.

    Why don't you get your daughter to take lessons with a woman instead of a man if she is autistic and you worry that she is inappropriate?



  • romalove
    March 8, 2013 at 6:10 AM


    Quoting Anonymous:


    She can express it, she just can't see anything 'wrong'/being taken advantage of with it. hence why I can't convince her to switch to a female teacher; and because the music school hasn't noticed/seen anything they won't move her. So, did you have planned on when you would go in early or did you just do random times/days so that he knew nothing could happen?

    Quoting romalove:

    My daughter has private guitar lessons with a man at his house.  She is almost 17 and has been going there since she is 12.  It would not occur to me that something other than guitar was going on, but I don't have an autistic child who couldn't express to me if something was going on.  There is an open door policy anyway, and I can walk in (and have) whenever I wish.

    Why don't you get your daughter to take lessons with a woman instead of a man if she is autistic and you worry that she is inappropriate?



    The door to the house is always open and anyone can walk in at any time.  I always walk in to pick up my daughter, but sometimes have been out doing errands and get there early, sometimes just feel like sitting in and listening.  I wasn't doing it to try and catch them if something was doing on.  

    You can't dictate to a 21 year old who hasn't been deemed incompetent who they can take lessons from.  Is she paying for them or are you?  How does she get there?

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 8, 2013 at 6:15 AM



    Quoting romalove:


    Quoting Anonymous:


    She can express it, she just can't see anything 'wrong'/being taken advantage of with it. hence why I can't convince her to switch to a female teacher; and because the music school hasn't noticed/seen anything they won't move her. So, did you have planned on when you would go in early or did you just do random times/days so that he knew nothing could happen?

    Quoting romalove:

    My daughter has private guitar lessons with a man at his house.  She is almost 17 and has been going there since she is 12.  It would not occur to me that something other than guitar was going on, but I don't have an autistic child who couldn't express to me if something was going on.  There is an open door policy anyway, and I can walk in (and have) whenever I wish.

    Why don't you get your daughter to take lessons with a woman instead of a man if she is autistic and you worry that she is inappropriate?



    The door to the house is always open and anyone can walk in at any time.  I always walk in to pick up my daughter, but sometimes have been out doing errands and get there early, sometimes just feel like sitting in and listening.  I wasn't doing it to try and catch them if something was doing on.  

    You can't dictate to a 21 year old who hasn't been deemed incompetent who they can take lessons from.  Is she paying for them or are you?  How does she get there?


    People just keep warning me about rape, or possible assualt if I *don't* randomly check in and knowing DD she would think 'oh he loves/likes me' she wouldn't consider rape/assult and if she did she would think she led him on, because of her differences.

    So if your daughter was niave, vunerable and didn't know the difference between rape/consentual (just was happy she was "wanted" you wouldn't take extra precautions? She pays for them but I drive her.

  • Anonymous 2
    by Anonymous 2
    March 8, 2013 at 6:15 AM
    When I was in elementary school, I took private summer lessons from my band director. I went there by myself on my bike. My mom never felt the need to check on me.



    Just because your daughter thinks he is cute, doesn't mean he is attracted to her. And even if he were, he is a professional doing his job, and I'm sure he is aware of your daughter's disability. I think she'll be ok...
  • romalove
    March 8, 2013 at 6:19 AM


    Quoting Anonymous:



    Quoting romalove:


    Quoting Anonymous:


    She can express it, she just can't see anything 'wrong'/being taken advantage of with it. hence why I can't convince her to switch to a female teacher; and because the music school hasn't noticed/seen anything they won't move her. So, did you have planned on when you would go in early or did you just do random times/days so that he knew nothing could happen?

    Quoting romalove:

    My daughter has private guitar lessons with a man at his house.  She is almost 17 and has been going there since she is 12.  It would not occur to me that something other than guitar was going on, but I don't have an autistic child who couldn't express to me if something was going on.  There is an open door policy anyway, and I can walk in (and have) whenever I wish.

    Why don't you get your daughter to take lessons with a woman instead of a man if she is autistic and you worry that she is inappropriate?



    The door to the house is always open and anyone can walk in at any time.  I always walk in to pick up my daughter, but sometimes have been out doing errands and get there early, sometimes just feel like sitting in and listening.  I wasn't doing it to try and catch them if something was doing on.  

    You can't dictate to a 21 year old who hasn't been deemed incompetent who they can take lessons from.  Is she paying for them or are you?  How does she get there?


    People just keep warning me about rape, or possible assualt if I *don't* randomly check in and knowing DD she would think 'oh he loves/likes me' she wouldn't consider rape/assult and if she did she would think she led him on, because of her differences.

    So if your daughter was niave, vunerable and didn't know the difference between rape/consentual (just was happy she was "wanted" you wouldn't take extra precautions? She pays for them but I drive her.

    If my daughter had special needs, I would take whatever precautions were necessary.  You started this as a "private lessons and kids" thing, not about special needs kids.  You will get multiple types of answers.

    Is the teacher creepy?  How old is he?  Does he know of your daughter's autism?  If I had concerns and was driving, I would stop driving, or be there for the whole lesson.


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