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Anonymous
VENT ABOUT BM
by Anonymous
March 7, 2013 at 8:27 AM

Ugh. So tired of this woman! She is hardcore addicted to meth and she has been out of dds life for years and years. She has never once called sent a card on a birthday, or done anything! She signed over all of her rights to sd so she wouldnt be ordered to pay support anymore (although she was court ordered before she signed over, and never paid) but thats besides the point. She texts my husbands phone last night saying she wants to see DD and she wants to bring her new husband with her and her two other kids that they BOTH dont have custody of (her new husbands MOTHER has full custody of the kids because they are both meth addicts). Anyway, SD saw the text before my husband did and she is insisting to see her mother. She hasnt seen her mother in 9 years. What should we do?! Let her see her? bring her new husband and two other kids which SD has never met in her life? 

Replies

  • notabosley
    March 7, 2013 at 8:58 AM
    This

    Quoting hddcooper:

    I would allow her to see her mother in a neutral location with you guys supervising. If you don't , she may end up resenting you and her father. It will not take much for her to see her mother as she truly is. The addiction will not allow her to be a good person and your dd will figure it out. Good luck.
  • ilovemykids323
    March 7, 2013 at 8:59 AM

     ugh thats so hard... it's been 9 years since she's see her so how old is she? i would just be worried that it would make her sad. but i would make sure to explain to her that the other kids dont live with her either. I dont thnk after 9 years i'd want her to see her. if she was 18 or w/e i wouldn't stop her thats her choice but I see she's only 12 so thats kind of a hard one.

  • Maevelyn
    March 7, 2013 at 8:59 AM

    I think she should meet her mom by herself first. Unfortunately, she may be opening years of hurt but she is going to have to learn about her mom for herself at some point. 

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 7, 2013 at 8:59 AM

    Wow!! Congrats to you mama!! 

    Was your mom ever involved in your life? Did she come around you? or contact you? Is she still using?

    Quoting NiCo86:

    I was fortunate enough to have my grandparents step in and help raise me. I am now in a good place in life (26, dual bachelor degree, FT employment, married to a FT employed husband, two kids, own our home, the whole ten yards) and have no contact with my mother. my life is so mu h stress free since I removed her completely from my life almost 4 years ago

    Quoting Anonymous:

    My own dad is a drug addict and he was never apart of my life, but I always had my mom so I guess I just never cared much. But SD has always said she just wants her mommy and that's all she needs. Must be really tough for a young girl to grow up without her mother. 

    Quoting NiCo86:

    thank you for taking the time to read and reply :)



    honestly, my experience made me a stronger, better person!




    Quoting Anonymous:

    Wow! I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child as well.

    It's been a struggle for SD for SURE. It's been a long road and she is doing so well in her life now and doing great in school, and now..bm is back and Im just worried shes going to mess everything up for SD. I really hope she grows out of this stage where she thinks she can save her mother- but it's only normal for a child to want to save their parent.

    But yes, we are very worried about the resentment so she will probably end up seeing her BM.

    Thanks for responding.

    Quoting NiCo86:

    I had a drug addict mom and no dad (my Mon doesn't know who the father is) I had phases about that age where I strived so hard to "save" my mom. I eventually grew out if it. yes, it was very emotionally rough, but sometimes those are the cards you're delt. your husband can't shield her forever. and honestly? if I were in this position I would rather deal with a 12 year olds disappointment in an absent parent, rather than her resenting me for not allowing her the visitation.





    Quoting Anonymous:

    I know what you mean. She is not 9, she's actually 12. She does understand to an extent I think. 

    My husband doesn't want SD seeing her mother at ALL. I think mainly because he's just trying to shield his own dd from any sadness, which I totally understand, but I dont want to not let SD see her mother if thats what she really truly wants. =( so hard 

    Quoting NiCo86:

    why not have a supervised visitation in a public location, like the park or a "play land" at a fast food place (since it is winter and all lol) ? if your SD is 9 I think she has the mental capacity to choose whether or not she wants to see her mother, ya know?





  • MrsWhite101610
    March 7, 2013 at 8:59 AM
    I agree


    Quoting hddcooper:

    I would allow her to see her mother in a neutral location with you guys supervising. If you don't , she may end up resenting you and her father. It will not take much for her to see her mother as she truly is. The addiction will not allow her to be a good person and your dd will figure it out. Good luck.

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 7, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    She is absolutely not seeing her mother by herself. She has threatend to take off with her and disappear. That's out of the question. 

    Quoting Maevelyn:A

    I think she should meet her mom by herself first. Unfortunately, she may be opening years of hurt but she is going to have to learn about her mom for herself at some point. 


  • MrsCountryMama
    March 7, 2013 at 9:01 AM
    I would allow her to see her for a short period of time in a controlled environment like everyone meet at a restaurant for lunch or dinner when the meal is over leave.
    I wouldn't allow them to come to my house and linger as long as they want to. I also wouldn't let them have alone time together due to the fact she's a meth addict she might say or do something crazy to dd.
  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 7, 2013 at 9:03 AM

    I agree with you 100%. I'm trying to get my husband to agree to going out to dinner. I don't care if just my husband and SD go to see her mother alone, Im fine with it, my husband on the other hand is absolutely disgusted with the way she has treated dd and just been absent for years and years. It breaks SD's heart and really has caused a bunch of problems for her emotionally. It's just a tough decision to make for my husband.

    Quoting MrsCountryMama:

    I would allow her to see her for a short period of time in a controlled environment like everyone meet at a restaurant for lunch or dinner when the meal is over leave.
    I wouldn't allow them to come to my house and linger as long as they want to. I also wouldn't let them have alone time together due to the fact she's a meth addict she might say or do something crazy to dd.


  • Maevelyn
    March 7, 2013 at 9:03 AM

    I would level with her. "Look, we know you want to see your mom and we want you to see her. Your mom has problems and she may be there for you for a day, a week, a few months or years and then just disappear. That's the nature of her illness. She is facing some jail time for manufacturing meth and she will probably go to jail. We're going to support you as long as you want to see her. Please understand that you have the power in this situation. You see her as long as it's good for you. If she wants to see you in the future and you don't want to see her, you don't have to. Whatever she says or does, you need to understand that she's sick and she can't be a good mom."

    Quoting Anonymous:

    That's what we've been thinking. We just worry her mother will see her, and then have nothing to do with her all over again. She is currently facing 7 years in prison for manufacturing a meth lab...so regardless her mother is going back to prison. 

    We just worry it'll be another loss to SD and we certainly don't want to put her through anything else. She doesn't deserve anymore trauma or loss in her life.

    Quoting kngarber:

    It might be best to let her see her BM.



  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    March 7, 2013 at 9:05 AM

    Wow that sounds perfect! Thank you so much!!! 

    Quoting Maevelyn:

    I would level with her. "Look, we know you want to see your mom and we want you to see her. Your mom has problems and she may be there for you for a day, a week, a few months or years and then just disappear. That's the nature of her illness. She is facing some jail time for manufacturing meth and she will probably go to jail. We're going to support you as long as you want to see her. Please understand that you have the power in this situation. You see her as long as it's good for you. If she wants to see you in the future and you don't want to see her, you don't have to. Whatever she says or does, you need to understand that she's sick and she can't be a good mom."

    Quoting Anonymous:

    That's what we've been thinking. We just worry her mother will see her, and then have nothing to do with her all over again. She is currently facing 7 years in prison for manufacturing a meth lab...so regardless her mother is going back to prison. 

    We just worry it'll be another loss to SD and we certainly don't want to put her through anything else. She doesn't deserve anymore trauma or loss in her life.

    Quoting kngarber:

    It might be best to let her see her BM.




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