Since woman on here are talking about their experiences of being the OW I will share mine of the other side, the wife.
A few years ago, me and DH went through a rough patch and he slept with someone who got pregnant by him. He went out with his friends got piss ass drunk and slept with her. The next day he came home and told me about it and begged my forgiveness. We worked it out since I realized that it took a lot of character for him to come tell me when really, I would not have known other wise (this was before he knew she was pregnant, obviously since it was the next day). A month later she came and told him and told me that she was going to get him to leave me and our kids to be with her. I knew that wasn't going to happend. I stood by his side and told him that I would accept this child as my own.
The day the child was born, we went to file for custody of her. The woman works as a waitress and didn't make a lot of money, still doesn't. DH makes well over 100k a year. She did all she could to keep the baby away from me, including tried to say I couldn't come to the hosptial with DH until DH told her if I didn't, he wasn't going to pay her copayments for the hosptial and medical expenses (in court, they would have only ordered him to pay half but she couldn't afford to pay her half).
When the baby was 2 months old, we were in court and DH was awarded 50/50 time sharing. Actually it ends up being more because since I am a stay at home mom to our children and I was willing to watch this one too, the judge said she could either pay for daycare on her own, which she can't afford and doesn't have anyone to watch her for free or drop her off and me or DH would care for her (usually me). DH pays almost no child support ($430 a month for a man who makes close to $10,000 a month, put it to you this way, if he had standard visitation of every other weekend, he would be paying close to $1900 a month) because we have her so much and we are responsible for all medical expenses and she is on DH's insurance. I get more time with the child then the actual mom, she calls me mommy (no one taught her that, she started it on her own).
She is now 2 and as sweet as she can be and looks just like her dad. I am the one who takes her to the doctors, I am the one with her most days and I am the one who she usually cries for when she is upset. Sadly, I think her mom was mostly interested in her when she thought she would land her a good, relatively well off man.
Of course I never thought my life would turn out like this but you know what, I am really happy, I have my wonderful children, a husband I love and I have an extra child. The woman who thought she was going to break up my family has her child less then half the time and gets to watch me have the great life she wanted. Too bad
Moral of the story, don't fuck a married man, if he is really a good man and he has a good wife, chances are she will forgive him and you will be left out in the cold.
I am getting a lot of the same responses so I will address them here to save time:
No, I didn't take her child from her, the judge saw fit to give DH, her father 50/50 custody.
No, I do not hold any ill will against her, do I wish she wasn't around and SDD was my kid biologically, of course but that isn't the case and I don't blame her. She didn't owe me any loyalty so while I think it was trashy to sleep with a married man and tell his wife you are going to get him to leave her, I don't hold any ill will towards her anymore.
Yes, my DH cheated on me, that was horrible. But he came to me and told me right away, when he thought there was no way I would ever find out, he still came clean. That may not mean a lot to some but a lesser man would have never said anything.
Yes, a perfect DH would have never cheated but no one is perfect, we all need forgiveness sometimes.
I am not a door mat, I am a woman who was not willing to throw away a good marriage (not perfect of course but good) to a good man and father of my children over one mistake that he is sorry for.
Yes, I do treat the child the same as my own
No, I do not talk badly about her mom in front of her (actually rarely at all)
My DH has no contact with her unless we see her somewhere. Usually I do pick up and drop offs and communication is through me. That was at his request and I don't think she is really keen to talk to him either (she feels he screwed her over by not leaving me for her over one night).
by AnonymousMarch 6, 2013 at 9:13 AM
March 6, 2013 at 9:23 AMA good man would have never cheated. I hope you got tested for STDs since they clearly weren't that careful.
March 6, 2013 at 9:30 AMI am impresses by your courage and love for your husband, i applaud you.
Me on the other hand... i flipped. This happened to me, we were having bad times, he moved out and got with an old ex, yet he still wanted to see me. They were living together and he decided he was doing us so wrong he dumped her and told her to move out. She did. Like two weeks later she texted him and told him she was pregnant i was with him when he got it, and i flipped out! I went crazy and told him i was outi could not be with him if she had that baby. For days i contimplated (sp ?) If i could be a mother to that bastard ifi could everything else aside since it would not have been its fault, and i couldn't, i just couldn't, i felt horrible. Days later she said she needed money for an abortion dh sent her money three days later on the supposed abortion date, she nevercalled or texted him, days later e's found shewas lying and was not pregnant all she wanted was money.... never heard from her again. But to tell u yhe truth im scared some times... that maybe she was pregant had the kid and will ome back to haunt me years from now.
Dh and i are fine now... strangely it ha made us closer... an even welcomed our last child six weeks ago, we have been together almost ten years.
Im mobile sorry for misspells
by AnonymousMarch 6, 2013 at 9:38 AM
I agree with this but my problem is her ending saying the moral of the story is don't fuck a married man when this woman didnt hop on herself and got herself pregnant. I say work everything out and she's awesome for loving the kid. But her ending point put all the blame on the OW that's where I see the anger is coming from.
I see what your saying.
Cafe mom sometimes can be a total bust. What the what? If she chooses to forgive her dh whats wrong with that? If she accepts his child that is not a sign of dysfunction it is a sign of forgiveness. If she loves the child it shows strength of character. What is lacking in the hearts of most people is love and the ability to forgive. She loves her husband and she forgave him. He is human he made a mistake and he told her right away. He manned up and told his wife, they found out the ow was pregnant and like a team they dealt with it. Show me the dysfunction in team work.
That is what relationships are about when their is a problem the two of you get together and fix it. The biblical order of marriage is God first or the devil what ever you believe in you and your spouse then the children. This couple put things in order and worked it out. Kudos's do them. Forget all the negativity do what works for you and your relationship.
Every home has a measure of dysfunction so that closes the door to judgement.
Wow so much wrong with this statement, if your husband was any kind of a man he would choose the child over you! And the fact you would stay with your man after an affair if he dropped the kid there is some dysfunction there for sure. And you don't like children aren't you a mother, now do your children feel about not being liked by their mother?
What a twisted sick story.......anyway if my husband got another woman pregnant and he couldn't sign away the child, then I would have left, I don't like children enough to tolerate that kind of baggage. Which is why I purposely chose a man with no kids when I married.
by AnonymousMarch 6, 2013 at 9:38 AMKind of seems to me that you are using your money to over power a mother and tear her child away from her, which is very wrong. Now this child, who is part of your family, is the bastard child. Personally, I think the RIGHT thing to do would have been to leave your husband. Instead you're using a child... A living person... To punish a mother for sleeping with your husband. I'm surprised people are thinking well of you in this situation because I don't think your intentions are good.
by AnonymousMarch 6, 2013 at 9:38 AM
Ummmmm....I dont like you or the story. The child should be with the mother. Lets take your children away from you and give them to another mother and see how you feel. I mean I read your story and I really dont like you. Your husband cheats on you and your family, and obviously enjoyed it enough to get off with the other women. Then you say its her fault....PLEASE......That baby should be with her mother not you. You are not her mother.
March 6, 2013 at 9:43 AM
I have to say it is nice to read a story about forgiveness. My DH had been unfaithful in the past and I have to say it was tough to say the least, we spent hours in counseling! There were so many people that said I was stupid for staying along with many other negative comments but I love my husband, and just like he made a commitment to be faithful to me with God as our witness I made a commitment to him "till death do us part" two wrongs don't make a right so why should I leave? God forgave me for my sins, I should forgive others....I was deeply hurt that he went against our vows but we made a commitment to work though any obstacle. I feel like that is why our divorce rate is so high, in modern day people want what is "easy" it is easy to walk away. It takes dedication to work things out, and people have a flight response when a hardship comes their way. This baby is blessed to be loved by so many! Many women do not have the same strength! I can see how other people are saying it is unfair to the biological mom but I can't help but imagine if I was in her situation I would just be grateful that my child had a devoted father and is being treated fairly but his wife, who didn't have to. If she is truly trying to provide for her daughter by having to work all the time how is it not in her best interest to not be in daycare and be with the other side of her family and it is also saving her an expensive which in turns leads to more money she can spend toward her daughter to use in her time off....as far as the hospital visit sure it was awkward for the OW but she didn't seem to think it was awkward to be sleeping with a married man 9 months prior. Not to mention how was it not awkward for you? A reminder of your husbands infidelity! You stood by your husband and supported him through this matter and you are there for the child, what more can you ask??? Good for you!
This exactly. This situation is so sick that it makes me stomach turn. That baby deserves her mom no matter how she was brought into the world. Not some b*tch that has a grudge against a woman that f*cked her husband.
You're thinking everyone's going to praise you for this? No, you and your husband are bad people, I feel so bad for the poor mom.
by AnonymousMarch 6, 2013 at 9:45 AMI am not sure how I feel about this situation.