We are a blended family, I have full custody of my 4 kids and DH has 50/50 of his 2 kids. When we married 4 years ago, we decided that since I make about $90,000 a year and DH would make about $36,000 it would make sense for him to stay at home. My kids were 11, 9, 7 and 6, his were 6 and 3 and we needed to have someone home full time. But now my kids are 15, 13, 11 and 10 and don't need anyone home with them. As long as one of the two older kids are home, which one is always home right after school, they younger two are fine and quit frankly, we could use the extra income with 6 kids between us.
His ex is a SAHM (her DH works) and could easily have their kids full time with him getting standard visitation of every other weekend and one evening a week.
I spoke with him about this and he went ape shit on me about it. He said that it's not fair that now that only his kids need someone home, I am not ok with him staying at home. Well there is an alternative, when all the kids needed someone, there wasn't someone who could keep all of them while we worked. I don't get to stay home with my kids, I have worked full time since mine were little and for the past 4 years, to support this family, including his children. I just feel like he is being very selfish to expect to get to stay home. His kids don't need 2 stay at home parents, they just don't.
For those who say this isn't fair to him, this arrangement was made when there was no other option, when we had 6 kids between the two of us that all needed someone at home. That is no longer the case, his kids can go to their mom's and my kids are fine at home. IMO he can't complain because at least he got to do this for the past 4 years, I was never afforded the opportunity because he simply didn't make enough to support us on his own. It's not fair that I work my ass off while he stays at home and there is no need for him to, his kids do not need BOTH of their parents to be stay at home parents, they just don't.
I am really surprised just how many responses I have gotten. For those who say he needs to stay at home and that it's "only fair" please explain to me why his 2 kids NEED both of their parents to be stay at home parents but that my 4 kids don't need their ONE bio parent at home (that is assuming that we all agree that someone in the household needs to make money). Also, why should our whole family make cutbacks so that DH can stay at home for 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time anyway?
- Only group members can vote in this poll.
- 64% - DH should go back to work
- 35% - DH should stay home and our family should just cut back so that he can stay home with 2 kids who are in school and only live here half the time
by CLEKateFebruary 10, 2013 at 8:57 AM
I think that's a tough one. I can see your side of things: You could really use the money. And they would have an arrangment to have a parent there---just being the mother instead of father. I can also see his side of things: He has done it, why should he stop.
His kids are now 7 and 10?? With your kids being older, I don't see a problem with them watching their siblings after school.
I am personally on the fence on this one. That many kids it would probably be best for a parent home for things like sports and extra cric activities and things like that. But on the other hand they are ild enough to handle a few hours home alone after school because financially its best for both patents to work. I would ask maybe him get just a part time job while the kids are in school so hes home when they are plus theres a little extra cash that will lighten the load.
by AnonymousFebruary 10, 2013 at 9:02 AMWhat ever .I don't let no man take a few ride on me. And I also take care of my own baby sitting needs so I don't have to worry about men who plays the Stay at home card. What ever you say.
And you sound ignorant. Maybe he should get a part time job while the kids are in school BUT there is NO way he should have to give up time with HIS kids now that the OP doesn't need him for HER kids anymore. And WHY was it I'm for him to stay home with HER kids and not HIS who at this point should t even be called his and hers they should be OURs.
You sound like someone has fucked you over before. And who cares if she loves him or not that was not the issues. I think you wrong. He needs to be a man and support that family instead a woman has to do it. please. No real man would let her wife do all this bs.
Then she never should have asked him to stay home. She should've sucked it up from the beginning and they should've just both worked and paid for child care. SHE ASKED HIM TO STAY HOME because THEY had SIX small children home, but now that just HERS are big enough to stay home he needs to go to work? He should give up his 50/50 custody to go to work because she feels differently now that SHE no longer needs him home for hers. She's a user plain and simple. She used him for free child care. Who knows. Maybe she doesn't love him or his kids to to begin with. After all, it is all about HER kids. She never mentions OUR family. It is HERS and HIS. She obviously feels her kids are more important than his.
What about HIM using HER to support his kids? Oh right stepmoms should just shut up and deal with whatever dad and BM want right?
So it was fine when YOUR four kids needed a babysitter, but you don't want him home for his own on HIS visits. I wouldn't be okay with changing my visitations for some User either.
by AnonymousFebruary 10, 2013 at 9:18 AM
Sounds like your sad you don't and never got to stay home. I think it's fair until his kids are also old enough to stay home that he should not have to go back to work. Seems pretty convenient that YOUR kids were old enough to be home, your making a big deal about him working, and having to give up more time with his own kids.
Ok - food for thought.
In my state, going to every other weekend would mean he would need to pay child support... I can also see how seeing less if his kids is a problem for him. In the other hand, you need more money coming in!
I would say he should try to find a job that allows him to maintain his current custody agreement and brings cash into the home!
The plan would be she would have them and DH would go to every other weekend.
If you make $90,000 you should be all set with money. Let him stay home with the kids a little longer. Just because bio mom is home she's not at your house when the kids come home.
by AnonymousFebruary 10, 2013 at 9:24 AM
This is a great idea!!
He could get a night job and sleep while they are in school... and still be there for the kids.
I don't know what he wants to do, but unarmed secuirity pays $10-16 hourly (pending on area).. it's has overnight shifts.
yeah I get that there was no other option at the time but he was able to be there for your kids and he wants to be there for his kids too... How old is the youngest 7? Why don't you guys look to a time he can go back to work and also lay out some ground rules. If the two of you can't afford to do something for your kids because he doesn't work (like buy them a car) then his kids don't get it when he goes back to work. In no way should you ever suggest that he gives up 50/50 custody of his kids so that things are "fair." If you really want him to work for the hell of it get him to get a job as Starbucks or something. Everyone loves a barista and you get a free pound of coffee a week.
by AnonymousFebruary 10, 2013 at 9:32 AMAren't you a family? Why can't the teenagers watch the little ones a few times a week? Why would custody need to be changed?