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Anonymous
Help! I need help with my daughter!
by Anonymous
February 7, 2013 at 9:53 PM
Ok, I am in some serious need of advice. My dd is 6. She always comes first and always will. She is going through something right now and I am not sure how to help her or fix it.



Here is a little back story. She has never met her father. He was abusive and I left while pregnant. He decided that since I left the relationship, that he would never have anything to do with dd. When dd was just over a year old, I started dating a good guy friend of ours who was in the military. When she was 2, we got married. After he got out of the military, he couldnt handle civilian life. He changed and became abusive. He said he didnt want help. We separated and divorced when she was around 4.



I had remained single for awhile. Early last year, my dd had lots of issues with learning, focusing and behaviors. We were told to see her pedi, and he had us go see a psychiatrist. After many appointments and lots of testing, she was diagnosed with SPD and moderate/severe ADHD. I didnt medicate right away. I changed her diet completely and she does activities to burn her energy. But her school work was suffering and it wasnt helping.



So shes now on a low dose of meds. They help a little, but wear off extremely fast.



Here's my problem. Almost a year ago, I started dating someone. Someone I've known for years. We've taken things slow. My dd loves my SO. She tells me that often. When he's not here, she's asking when he's coming over again. She even asked me if she could marry him when she's all grown up someday. Haha But despite all of that, for the past two months she's been treating him like crap to his face! Horrible attitudes. If he asks her to please pick something up she just says no or ignores him. She even said "hey fatty." To him last week! All of that is very disrespectful and not tolerated! I discipline her when this happens. My SO does not discipline her as that is my job.



My SO is sooooooooooo stressed out by her. He told me he's not sure how much more he can handle and has thought about leaving. He said he doesn't want to leave, but her blatant disrespect is really affecting him.



I've had talks with dd asking if maybe she doesnt like SO, but she swears she does and she says she doesnt know why shes so mean to him.



Have any of you ever been through this before? What should I do?!

Replies

  • Anonymous
    by Anonymous
    February 7, 2013 at 10:49 PM

    Sounds to me like she does like him, but she is afraid he will leave too. She is testing him, she wants to see if she can make him leave, so he'll leave and not drag it out. She is trying to see if he'll leave at all. She is afraid of her feelings for him. She can't explain this to you because she's only 6. He needs to talk to her, tell her how much he cares for her and you. That he wants to always be there for her. If you aren't planning on this being a "forever" thing, then he should limit his time with her. If you are planning on this being long term, then he needs to reassure her. Spend some extra time with her, showing her he loves her and that he's going to be there no matter what. GL

  • Anonymous
    by Anonymous - Original Poster
    February 7, 2013 at 10:50 PM
    Oh my dear lord. I am so sorry. I hope your dd is able to work through her ptsd.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    She has PTSD from my ex choking her, then beating me unconcious, then rolling me up in a blanket and trying to kill me, while making her watch. She has lots of issues that we are working through.




    Quoting Anonymous:

    Oh wow. :-(





    Quoting Anonymous:

    My DD calls my bf an asshole, so count your blessings that she only said fatty.

  • Anonymous
    by Anonymous
    February 7, 2013 at 10:51 PM

    She is probably testing him. To see if he will stay or go. She is afraid to get to attached. Just because she was younger when your ex left doesn't mean anything she is only going by what she has seen. Not being rude or mean 

    if he leaves she will do it again and again. Anytime someone new enters your life

  • kaiser10123
    February 7, 2013 at 10:52 PM
    That's really good! My DF was on Ritalin and it made him sooo sick so his diet was changed all home cooked meals from scratch and natural food and he got better. No artificial juice and stuff much like your DD so keep it up :) and from what you're saying it definitely sounds like me when I was younger. It's abandonment issues my mom ( not comparing you guys) couldn't keep a relationship so instead of trying to connect with these people even though we really liked them we just gave them attitudes because we're like they're going to be gone soon even though we hoped they would stay. I think if you dated a single dad that might be better for you hun because a man who doesn't have kids don't really know the responsibility where as a single dad could relate to you more. I think he should stick in there but if he can't then its ok he's just not ready.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    Yeah I got rid of preservitives, gluten, the dyes and fake sugars. She eats very healthy.



    I just have no clue what to do. My SO hasnt dated anyone with a kid before, let alone a child with adhd. He has no clue how to cope with the stress and he says the last thing he wants to do is leave but its getting hard to enjoy being around dd because shes so mean to him. But as soon as he leaves to go home she gets sad and says she wants him to come over and misses him.



    Quoting kaiser10123:

    That sucks I'm sorry and I also thought the same thing as another mom stated. She may be worried that he to will leave. It's like any relationship if we feel they're gonna just leave us anyways we do things to sabotage that relationship so it speeds up quicker because we feel like its just gonna happen anyways. (Well us with abandonment issues) Deep down I don't think she wants him gone, she may actually want him to stay but she's unsure that's all. I understand him wanting leave but if he knows your past then instead of leaving he should say hey I'm going to pull back a little but still be here. Try redirecting her name calling what's her diet like? My DF has ADHD and once his diet was changed he didn't need the Meds anymore. Ok I see u said you changed her diet but the Meds helped...
  • MOMMYSLOVE13
    February 7, 2013 at 10:52 PM

    Yes, calm down!!!!! Damn, this is why I don't reply to waaa waa help me post.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    My SO has done nothing wrong. If he wants to leave, then he can leave. There is obviously something going on with my dd that needs to be figured out regardless.She likes my SO. But if it turns out to be that she just wants me all to herself and doesnt ever want me to date, well thats not healthy and needs to be addressed. My daughter will always come first. Hence why I want to figure out why shes acting this way so I can help her.

    Quoting MOMMYSLOVE13:

    Lose the man, this is your daughter. End of story,


  • lovemybabies110
    February 7, 2013 at 10:58 PM

     


    Quoting Anonymous:

    maybe she has resentment towards him but doesn't understand what her feelings are. I was that way when my mom started dating again. I liked him, I really did. But later in life I realized i resented the hell out of him for taking my moms attention off of me. I was used to being her one and only and all her attention was focused on me 24/7. Maybe try talking to her about that. Reassure her that just because your spending time with him that she is still most important and that you will always be there for her and love her. Maybe do some special mommy and me activites. And then some special mommy, me and so activities? Maybe even have the two of them do something together to bond over?

    I'm thinking more toward what you have said. My 9yr old dauhter acts he same way,if I date someone. Even though she may like them, she is jealous! She is use to getting mommy to herself


     

  • aikimomof3
    February 7, 2013 at 11:00 PM

    I would take her back to the psychiatrist. Maybe there is a deeper issue that you're not getting to by asking her yourself.

  • ilana_ny
    February 7, 2013 at 11:03 PM


    Quoting Anonymous:

    Im not sure. Maybe? She's 6.

    Quoting ilana_ny:

    I know I'll sound crazy, but can she be a little jeliouse of him and you???How old he she????

    I remember having crash on my third uncle as a little girl(7-8yo). I was so jeliouse of his GF. 

    I whould suggest therapy for the whole family. If your SO is a good guy, and willing to work on his relationship with you and your DD, don't loose him. You and especially yourDD need a good man/rolemodel in your lifes. 

  • bustybee
    February 7, 2013 at 11:13 PM

    she is probably afraid that he will leave her like your abusive ex did, and bio father(if she knows about him) did

  • Anonymous
    by Anonymous
    February 7, 2013 at 11:20 PM

    She probably expects another "daddy" to be gone soon.  She's never been provided any male stability.  Frankly, I never introduced my children to any man I dated.  I wanted them to have a stable home life and not a revolving door of "daddies" or "uncles".  

    After my husband and I dated for a year and became engaged I introduced my children to him.  He certainly never lived with us until we were married.  By the time we had the wedding, that they got to share in,  they were quite happy that he moved in and could be there all the time.  The wedding was like a formal "he's in the family now".

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