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Anonymous
For women who have been cheated on and stayed.
by Anonymous
February 5, 2013 at 4:46 PM

How did you find it in your heart to forgive him? How long did it take? Did the feeling of resentment and disgust ever go away? Was it worth pulling through? 
 
I feel like total crap. He wants another chance and we just had a baby girl.... she needs her dad, but I'm hurting so bad. 

Replies

  • Anonymous 15
    by Anonymous 15
    February 5, 2013 at 11:33 PM

    Honestly, from experience. Don't give him that chance right away. Let him know how much you loved him, every way you did, point out the flaws you loved too, and let him think its done. Let him wallow and go crazy. Give it a month. It makes you feel better, the reality of what he's done will set it. You'll feel a true apology come out of him if he keeps trying a month from now.  I did this, didn't regret it. We broke up later over differences. But we are better people for really trying it again. Don't undermine what he has done for your baby's sake or your own because it will not be good for either of you.

  • Anonymous 15
    by Anonymous 15
    February 5, 2013 at 11:37 PM

    Did you know sometimes men cheat out of their own insecurity. If he feels like you've been putting him down at home, or if he feels like you or family have been disappointed with him he'll run to someone else to feel good about himself again. Someone that won't critique him. Let him take in what he is done and forgive him because its not entirely your fault. Don't blame yourself.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    I can very much relate to what you're saying. And I don't feel like eating anymore and I just want to sleep all the time. I feel as if I'm going to throw up, scream, panic, or cry if I even think about it. And I can't get the mental image of them together out of my head. 
    It's especially hard with a new baby. I am breastfeeding, so I have to force myself to eat, stay calm, and stay awake. I cried all night when I found out, but have not, since. It's been 3 days. I just feel embarrassed and not good enough now...
    I'm young, I stay on top of my weight, sweet, easy going...I always  felt really confident and pretty with him. But now I'm questioning it... I don't know what to do now. :(

    Quoting Anonymous:

    I decided to forgive him a week after I found out. However, I made it clear to him that deciding to start the process of forgiving him did not mean that I wouldn't cry or be angry over it again. It's been over 3 years now. I would say that the resentment I was feeling started to fade after about a year, and that was with us talking about it and our marriage, figuring out where we had that disconnect that lead to the infidelity and working on communication. We never went to counseling because we couldn't afford it, plus I did not feel comfortable going to a counselor.

    I will admit, the month after I found out was the worst month of my life. I would cry at the drop of a hat, I was having nightmares and was also fighting with myself as to if I should confront the other woman. I got physically ill and barely ate anything. I can say that I would not have been able to work through all that without knowing that he 100% regretted his decision and wanted to save our marriage.

    As of right now, I fully trust him, but the trust will never be the same as it was before because now I know that he has it in him to cheat on me. I question things more readily than I did before (whereabouts, conversations with other people, etc) but his actions during that time made me see how much he was willing to do to make it up to me.

    In my situation, I think it was very much worth the extra tears and work to save our life together. I will never say that him cheating was a good thing, but it did open our eyes to how much we would have to work to stay together. We got through it and came out stronger than before. And sorry that you're going through it. I'd never wish it on anyone :/



  • tharealty2
    February 5, 2013 at 11:40 PM

    The forgiveness for me was the easiest part but I can't really explain it beyond that - I'm a forgiving person.  The feeling of resentment and disgust subsided, but it still rears its ugly head from time to time.  The hurt, has stayed.  It was worth pulling thru.  I love him, he loves me, he's a great dad, and I don't have the energy to try and start all over with some one else, with not guarantee that they won't do the same or worse.

  • Anonymous 12
    by Anonymous 12
    February 5, 2013 at 11:50 PM
    I want to say this tho... I stayed because I personally don't believe in divorce. I stayed for my lil girl and actually NOW it's a lot better than 10 yrs ago. Time will heal most of it. I just keep it all in the back of my mind and dont give him a chance to slip again Just trust in yourself and put your children first. If your relationship is meant to be.. Everything will work out at the end.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    Great. :( I am sorry that you had to go through that and thank you for your honesty.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    It happened 10 yrs ago and I stayed. I have never forgiven him and have never forgotten. And I still don't trust him. So can't help you there :/


  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    February 5, 2013 at 11:51 PM

    That's another big thing for me. I can not emotionally handle giving my full trust and love to someone again.. And I don't want my daughter to have any other man in her life.

    Quoting tharealty2:

    The forgiveness for me was the easiest part but I can't really explain it beyond that - I'm a forgiving person.  The feeling of resentment and disgust subsided, but it still rears its ugly head from time to time.  The hurt, has stayed.  It was worth pulling thru.  I love him, he loves me, he's a great dad, and I don't have the energy to try and start all over with some one else, with not guarantee that they won't do the same or worse.


  • Anonymous 16
    by Anonymous 16
    February 5, 2013 at 11:52 PM

    She doesn't need a dad like that. Get rid of him while she's too young to know what's happening.

  • Anonymous 17
    by Anonymous 17
    February 5, 2013 at 11:59 PM

    I see a problem. You aren't married...so the commitment wasn't made. You had sex, had a relationship, you had a child, but aren't married.

    Without knowing his true reasons for "cheating" on you, I don't think we can give advice.

    It often is really just a fling for sex and ego stroking. One thing about men is they can disconnect an affair from the feeling of love and affection they have for their SO/wife. It could have been "just sex." If so, you can certainly patch up the relationship. If he had an emotional attachment, you can kiss your future with him good-bye.

    Sex belongs within the bounds of marriage. Period.

    Quoting Anonymous:

    I just don't get how you can cheat after having such a wonderful gift...and we were getting along. I just don't understand. I feel so disgusted, betrayed, and miserable. And so sad for our daughter if I were to leave for good. We are no longer living together, called off our wedding, and I'm having a hard time communicating with him. 
    He is calling, messaging, crying....I just don't know.  

    Quoting Anonymous:

    I was cheated on a year ago. Our son was 2 months at the time :/
    I stayed for the sake of family.. & honestly, its still so hard for me. The resentment tends to fade but the trust issues never do. I have severe insecurity issues as well!
    Its really tough but its something I need to deal with since I chose to stay. I love seeing my son with his father and family time makes me really happy!

    Your SO needs to want to change and he needs to show that he's all in! If not then you know what you need to do.




  • Anonymous 18
    by Anonymous 18
    February 6, 2013 at 12:01 AM
    Counseling, it helps sooo much.
    Stay only if the good outweighs the bad. Healing will take a while, how long?...depends on you. There will be times when you think about the issue & it will make you sad or angry. But remind yourself that it was in the past & you made the decision to try & work it out...,Talk to him any time this happens. My SO would always reassure his love for me & his regret & just basically make me push the ugly thoughts back.
    It's been about... 11 months. I
    Happy again have been for a while. But I still have brief moments of disgust or sadness. (very short) I don't regret staying.
  • MrsVolle0904
    February 6, 2013 at 1:40 AM
    It's understandable that yu want yur little girl to have her dad. I feel that second chances can turn out good or bad, depending on how both ofyu handle the situation together.
    My husband and I have been together for over four years, but we have gone through hell and back to get to where we are now. He cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship, but both of us were going through a "don't give a shit about anyone but ourselves" phase. Yes, it hurts like hell..maybe even worse than that, but sometimes a second chance is worth it.
    I forgave him, yes, but I actually still don't trust him. I'm not obsessive or possessive or anything, but he knows that if it weren't for me, he would fall apart.
    He has grown up A LOT in the last year or so, and I'm very proud of him. Sometimes it jus takes faith, and the push to move forward.
    I think that y should let him know that yu won't put up with that kind of shit, but yu are willing to work on making things better.
    Know what I'm saying?
    Feel free to message me if yu need someone to listen. Its what I'm good at. :-)
    Good luck hon. yur in my thoughts. Fingers crossed for yu
  • iamadramamomma
    February 6, 2013 at 1:58 AM

    In my situation my husband was looking online for women....he called these so-called theraputic massage places over and over....there were tons of numbers he called...he talked to one of these women about 8 times and txt 33 times in 2 nights....he never calls me or txts me while at work and these are the times he did this...he always would tell me he is too busy to talk but found the time to do this......I confronted him I printed out all the calls and txt massages......I busted him when he was phone was going off late at night and he was sleeping, I tried to just turn off the phone but that was how I found out and she threatend me and harrased me, my so called dh denied it all the way said he didn't know the number which was in his contacts, he denied the whole thing even when I showed im the print out in black and white.....this happened 8 months ago and till this day all he says is I'm sorry I fucked up I made a mistake.....BS he hasen't even tried to make it up to me....I could and will never trust him again.....we have 2 sons 5 and 6 that is why I stay for now. He will be my stbx...I don't deal with liars....till this day he tells me to get over it that nothing happend....he never even stuck up for me when he threatend my life...I had er arrested and as for him I will never trust or beleive him. Mainly bc of the lies....I guess all I can say is that if he has at least shown you how sorry he is action speak louder than words try counseling or leave don't be in my situation....

    Good luck I hope it all works out.

    I know the pain if you want to pm me feel free

    hugs

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