*Sigh* So I have this really good friend...we've been friends for 10 years, roommates in college, bridesmaid in my wedding, unofficial "godmom" to my daughter, hung out all the time. Lately she just keeps making plans with me and cancelling. Like probably 4 or 5 times in a row in the pasat 6 months. I know she's kind of in a bad place right now...she recently got out of a long, LONG relationship, turned 30 and hasn't met any of her life goals. She's been kind of depressed.
I know she loves me and my family and really loves being around us. She seems so excited when we make plans, but something always seems to come up to make her cancel. Example: Last night she was supposed to come over for the football game and my birthday. She'd been visiting family about an hour away but was gonna head home in the afternoon and come over for dinner and the game. I texted her around 3 asking if she could still make it. She replied: "Nope. Still in [town she was in]." WTF? I just don't understand why she makes plans with me that she's not 100% sure she'll even follow through with? Why make plans at all?
It almost seems like she doesn't understand how much it hurts my feelings. Like I could care less if she was coming over for my birthday or not and just needed to know how many mouths I was feeding. I miss her so much. I want to confront her about how much this hurts, but I don't want to push her even further away. I think her feelings are really sensitive right now. I feel like I don't even know her anymore and it's kinda breaking my heart :( Sorry this is so long, but any advice?
My friend is like that too. I just stopped making plans with her, or if we do make plans, I don't count on going through with them. Usually I plan something else to do, just in case she doesn't follow through... I save my feelings from being hurt too badly that way.
I'm not really sure how to do that without coming across aggressively. I have a tendency to do that when something is irritating me this much (hurting, yes, but also irritating and frustrating...a whole mess of emotions attached to this)...How do I start?
Just talk to her about it. Tell her you love her and she is dear to you and she's hurting you. Maybe she doesn't realize?
I just wanted to give another perspective or possibilty. I went through a pretty serious depression a few winters back. I was having a lot of personal problems, and was really down. I did not want to do anything or go anywhere. My sister and one good friends (who had never suffered from depression) were offended, and I did not blame them. I sat down with them finally and told them that I was sorry and that it was not about them, but that it was about me and that I was getting help. My sister, of course, supported my, but my friend, just kept insinuating that all I had to do was "stay busy" and I wouldn't be depressed. I had two other friends who HAD suffered from depression and they were supportive throughout. They didn't ever have to talkt to me about it, nor did they say a word. Just whenever I finally would call or text or ask to see them, they were there as if NOTHING had happened, and so of course, I DID confide in them.
I know it can feel VERY personal when a friend drops off the radar like this. But now, whenever I have a good friend do this and know she is struggling with some things in her personal life, I just "check in" and remind them I'm there and that I'd love to catch up and hang out when they are up to it.
If she is being flaky or rude on purpose, then that is different. But I had A LOT of excuses for cancellations b/c while I would make plans and WANT to go, when the time came, I just couldn't face getting ready and doing it.
Just another side to consider, if any of that could be the case.