Background. My son is 23. He really messed up in college and has been trying to dig himself out of a tough hole...failed almost 1.5 years. This caused a lot of financial hardship on me, but I tried to help him. He met a girl a few years older than him. She has a small trust fund. Instant attraction. He was living at home with me and my other child. He started coming home at all hours, waking all of us up, barking orders at his sibling (also in college), waking up the dog, etc. I told him he was going to have to be in at a reasonable hour, pick up his own stuff, etc. He got mad and moved in with her.He did not want to, but refused to cooperate here, so I said he just needed to move. They got married this past summer. She has a horrible relationship with her mom and really tries to push her. From things my dil has said, she has been in a lot of therapy. You can tell by how she words things.
My son has a way of really hurting my feelings. I try really hard to not ask him to do anything for me unless there is no choice. I have always told him that once he is married, wife comes first. They have done things like on mother's day calling and saying, "We are going to lunch and wanted to know if you wanted anything dropped off." No...can we take you out to lunch, happy md, nothing. My birthday was ignored. At Christmas, they wanted us to come to their apartment. I bought the meat...not cheap. I got a call 2 days before Christmas with, "Uh, we decided on dinner, right? me, "No. We have never done dinner and that was not discussed." I have a hard time driving at night, so no. "Um, well, we invited X over for lunch, so I guess if you guys want to come over much later, I guess that would be okay."
No. It was not okay. The plans were made and they decided to invite someone else over at the last minute because his family went out of town and they did not want him to be alone. He is my age. There was no reason we could not have been there together, but it hurt my feelings that we were uninvited.
Now, they will not speak to me. They will not respond to emails or texts and certainly will not answer the phone. I took their gifts over on Christmas Eve. My son said he would call his sibling and apologize and get her gift to her. He has not done this.
The only things I have asked him to do in the last 6 months is to check on my car and to drop by and see if he could get the car to start. He said he would, but has not. They have asked us to dog sit; bring things to them, give him some of my prescription meds because his prescription to the same thing ran out. For their wedding, I made both the bride and grooms cakes, did the rehearsal dinner, did laundry for them, did a million other things for the wedding since her mom did nothing.
I am hurt. I am tired of being treated like I don't matter. Frankly, I am very ill and desperately need neurosurgery. My son does this and treats me like he will be glad when I go ahead and die. I am making sure he is taken off as emergency contact and changing final wishes so that he does not have to be involved. Sadly, I know that his involvement with his wife is due to her money. It just hurts to be totally ignored. There is nothing I can do about it. It just bothers me.
by Unoriginal.January 9, 2013 at 5:14 AM
I'm sorry :(
by ChaoswithinJanuary 9, 2013 at 5:17 AMWow sorry!
by Anonymous 2January 9, 2013 at 5:20 AMOh my gosh, I am so terribly sorry.
That is not OK by any standard.
You are doing the right thing by taking him off the emergency contact and out of the final wishes. He made his choice, yes wife comes first but you are his mom! You are sick and have been nothing but good to him!
I wouldn't try anymore, they obviously don't care about how you feel. Let him come around on his own and know he will regret putting you thru the heartache and not giving you the time if day.
I am so so sorry. This makes me problems seem so small. I hope things get better for you and your other children.
by Anonymous 3January 9, 2013 at 5:23 AMIf I were you and he calls for you to bring him something I would tell him I'm sorry but until you start respecting me I don't want anything to do with you. You're sick and you don't need the extra stress. He will soon find out how much you help him not because of money or anything but because you love him.
by Anonymous 1 - Original PosterJanuary 9, 2013 at 5:32 AM
Thanks. It does hurt. He said he was sorry, but had done nothing wrong. A friend, without me knowing. sent my dil a fb message and let her know how much they were hurting me. She made the comment that she just hoped I did not hurt myself. She knows how bad and useless I feel. The note was not ugly. My dil sent her a horrible message in response and told her she was "a woman of advanced years who is uneducated and is a bully." Nothing can be further from the truth. My friend did not say they were wrong, just that she knew how much I was hurting and is worried about me. In the note, my dil would say things like, "Since you obviously can't think, let me help you...." "Since you are obviously uneducated, ...." My friend has apologized for saying anything, but honestly all she said was that she wished they realized that Christmas can be a time for family and friends and that there was no reason to cut out either and that she is really worried about me.