We need some laughter up in here tonight and I’m feeling ever so festive. Or maybe just tipsy. Meh, whatever. I’ve decided to share the hottest and newest renditions of a traditional Christmas Carol with you. Get yourself a glass of wine, gather around the Yule log and sing along with me!!
We all know how the ‘original’ song goes... and it is fricken’ long and painful. So in the interest of time and to save us all from drinking three bottles as I write and you read/sing along, I am just going to start with the last verse and work my way backwards. You get it right? This way you will be sober enough to read all the way through. You’re welcome. Unless you are already drunk. In that case… CHEERS!!!
I will never judge you, I’m good people that way.
Twelve Days of Hormones
On the Twelfth Day of Hormones
My preteens gave to me:
Twelve Mood Swings
Eleven Outfit Changes
Ten Loads of Laundry
Nine Hours of Grounding
Eight Tears for No Reason
Seven Worst Mother Awards
Six Temper Tantrums
Five Slammiiiiiiing Doors
Four Feet a Stomping
Three Siblings Scrapping
Two Rolling Eyes
And a Pic of Mommy Drunk Under the Tree (don’t judge me)
Another version you ask? Ok, if I must. Here is the always-popular variety:
Twelve Days of “What my Preteen SAID to Me”.
On the twelfth day of Hormones
My preteens said to me:
Twelve “You’re ruining my life”s
Eleven “She started it”s
Ten “She’s looking at me”s
Nine “She’s touching me”s
Eight ”I have nothing to wear”s
Seven “Where are my jean”s
Six “It’s not my fault”s
Five “You are SO unfaaaaaaaaaair”s
Four “Worst mom EVER!”s
Three “Just one minute”s
Two “Everyone else is allowed”s
And a “Mom why are you drinking wine under the tree?”
And my personal favorite, the Twelve days of What I Say to My Preteen.
There is no need to point out that it doesn’t match the tune of the original song… I already know that. I deserve a voice too. Geesh.
On the Twelfth Day of Hormones I said to my preteen girls in glee:
Twelve "Take that make-up off, it looks trashy. Are you the guest clown in a circus that I don’t know about?”
Eleven “Do you really think you are wearing that out of this house? When did leggings become classified as pants?”
Ten “Pull your pants up. Crying out loud ladies ‘Hugs… not drugs’.”
Nine “No you still can’t have a phone.”
Eight “No you still can’t have Facebook.”
Seven “Do you really think I care what your friends are allowed to do? I am not their mother. Lucky, lucky you. I am YOUR mother. It’s like you’ve won the freaking parenting lottery isn’t it?”
Six “Watch your tone… or the next time I drop you off at school I will walk you in, holding hands and skipping. All while singing this song at the top of my lungs.”
Five “For the love of all that is good and holy pick the dirty socks and wet towel up off the floor before I snap my biscuits and my head flies off its axis.”
Four “Slam your door again and it’s gone. Do it! I dare you! It’s become a sport for me at this point.”
Three “Bring up your laundry or you are never wearing clean clothes again. NEVER, EVER, EVER! You shall stink for the rest of your life and I will laugh and point at you.” (Crap, now I’m confusing this song with Taylor Swift’s new and highly overplayed latest tune)
Two “If you don’t stop fighting I will tie your arms together and make you sing ‘We are Family’.”
(Double crap! Now I have Taylor and the boyfriend she is never ever getting back together with and ‘I’ve got all my sister and Me’ and this song all mixed up in my head)
One “Bring mommy a glass of wine under the tree before I cry. Oh, screw it bring me the box. Yes, wine in a box. No judging remember?”
Ok, I know this last one isn’t pure musical genius. Clearly, I’m not going to quit my day job… but I am singing it in my head and trust me, it TOTALLY sounds fantastic. I’m going all like Christmassy Adele on your ass’s.
It may go platinum. Just sayin’.