****London stayed with his mommy and daddy for an hour or so before passing up tp Heaven... :(
Here's the fb link for updates
She's a having c section tomorrow, please keep them in your prayer tonight...
How to say Goodbye....
Well this unexpected but welcomed journey started in May of this year. Along with the rest of Facebook, I became pregnant :) Whoa! It was a BIG big surprise.... I was told it would be near impossible to get and maintain a pregnancy because I had absolutely no hormones. But none the less, hormones are no match for the Lord and this little baby's will to live and it just kept growing and growing.
From the very start it was a high risk pregnancy not just because of my depleted hormones but because of Lyme and Babesia and all the recent complications it had brought upon my body. Obviously this wasn't the best timing for me to get pregnant while still trying to recover from my relapse the previous year, but none the less we were excited and already felt like if we can battle what we went through after we got married, then we can get through this uncertain time and await this beautiful blessing at the end of it.
Every week I was seeing either my Obgyn or my High-Risk Obgyn. Every week from the start I had been given an ultrasound, so it doesn't take seeing your baby too many times to already start growing quite attached. I was thankful they kept such amazing tabs on my self and the baby, truly the most wonderful doctors....
Well when week 6 hit, so did the vomiting. You know when your at the beginning of a rollercoaster, and first the ride takes you up EVER so slooooowly to the top before releasing you into complete crazy upside chaos? Yeah, that was how the vomiting began. Once it reached the top it just went nuts!!! Very quickly I was diagnosed with Hypermesis which basically means all day, all night, literally 24/7 I was throwing up, bile. I couldnt walk, or even talk without throwing up. It was absolutely horrible, almost devastating to feel that intensity of sickness and to never feel it ease up for even a second.... Well since I have my own port in my chest and home fluids and really an entire hospital in my apartment, I had what I needed to survive, and we managed to get through the worst of it with a combination of 3 prescription nausea drugs.
Truly truly, What a Journey.....
But now looking back, that was really only the start.
We had decided to keep very quiet about the pregnancy, not even telling family because we knew how high risk this was. Most woman get the green light after their first trimester, and though as that approached, we felt relieved in some ways, Our risks because of my disease unfortunately would not end until the day we delivered this baby and hoped he was stable and then would go from there....
Well as our 12 week ultrasound approached Jaime and I decided if all looked good, we would atleast start telling immediate family about this awesome thing inside me! We figured at this point, even if we did loose the baby, we would still really need their support and comfort as like I previously said, weekly ultrasounds really get you attached quite early on!!! We went to our High-Risk appt and as a new mom, every appt I had the same thought while getting up on the table, will I hear a heartbeat today.... So I climbed up, laid down, the thoughtfully heated jelly was put on my tummy and so it began....
I saw it Flutter!!!!! Oh its beating, thump thump thump thump.... Such sweet relief :)
But then the doctors face changed, it was such a minor thing probably no one else would've noticed, for some odd crazy reason, These are things I ALWAYS notice, any subtle change in someone's behavior, no matter how small. Well he kept looking around, I asked a question about the body and he did not hear me.... Well when someone doesn't hear you its because they are really focused on something, but what was he looking at???
He wanted to do a Transvaginal Ultrasound instead. Because we were close to 13 weeks, and this is when they do typical down syndrome screening and other things we just assumed thats what it was for.... So the nurse got me ready and we waited for him to come back in. While we waited, I told Jaime, "something is wrong".... He assured me like any good husband would with a nervous wife that im just over-thinking and its all ok, nothing is wrong. But I knew.... when Dr K's body language changed, his posture every so slightly huddled, I knew.......
So he came back in and did the 2nd ultrasound and it didn't take long for him to say, "something is wrong.....something is very very wrong".
I remember after the first "something is wrong" I thought ok well believe me ive been through hell and back and I can take disabilities or whatever problem there might be, this doesn't change our love for it or desire to see the pregnancy through.
But once that second "something is very very wrong" was spoken, then it hit me. This was not fixable....
He asked me if I knew what Anencephaly was. I racked my brain as medical terms and disease were all I knew about because of Lyme and the journey it had taken me on. But what was this? Ana what?? This was not something I knew..... So I said "no, what is wrong"....
He then went onto explain that our baby had a condition that wouldnt allow him to be compatible with life. Inside my loving protected womb, this baby was 100% Safe and Sound. But the second the baby would be born, it would die. And thats even if it survived the delivery.
Dr K was.... just so deeply sorry, and in shock himself as this is a Very rare birth defect and truly the worse one to have as it is 100% fatal. He informed us that most mothers terminate the pregnancy at this point as there were not really many other options and sadly no hope for this baby.
Well.... still I wasnt crying. I must admit, for atleast the past decade, I have been so familiar with feelings of shock, and setbacks, and sickness....Having your dreams taken away from you and replaced with hopitals and surgeries. Doctors not knowing if your even going to make it. NObody understanding whats going on with you. So many friends becoming distant and more distant....
And that still will never compare to the loss that my heart just truly truly has never been able to heal from, loosing my daddy.
My dad was my hero. He was the "one in a billion" kind of dads and I knew it. And how lucky I was to even get the years I did get with him.... He was my best friend and understood me better than anyone because we were so much alike. Dreamers, Adventurous, tender hearted for others, risk takers, and boy did we love to just get in the car and drive and drive, singing our hearts out to the Carpenters and Chicago.... Yes we were that car beside you in our own little world :)
So.... shocking and bad news was something, well, a bit familiar. I got dressed and was getting ready to leave the room and then it hit me.... I dont think at that point I even understood what was hitting, but something was and I bawled my eyes out down that hallway, and through the waiting room of all these happy pregnant woman whom I probably scared to death : /
The waterfall of tears slowed as we went down the elevator and waited for the car to be brought to us. We left and drove around, not sure where to go, what to do, our car was filled with silence but I think you could still hear the breaking of our hearts.
We decided to get some food, sunglasses on inside the restaurant to hide the bloodshot puffy eyes, tears continue to stream our face soaking our food.... Then we went to the movies. Not something most would do at a time like this but, if you have ever lived in Houston, you know dont DARE go on the highway between 4-6pm or you will say things your great grandmother in heaven will not approve of. So we needed to wait for traffic to clear out and decided maybe a movie would just take our mind off the fact our baby was going to die.
Well, it didnt. And wouldn't ya know the whole time we had to sit there for previews, about every other preview was about a baby...... Thats just how things work on Earth! After the movie and when we felt it might be safe to make the drive home without me wishing I had a bazooka for some of these cars, we hit the highway. I think Jaime managed to briefly call or text our moms to let them know something was wrong.
I think in most situations like this, its more common to assume we had a loss or miscarriage. So there was a lot of confusion our family had but we were too devastated, too choked up to get any words out, let alone I am still vomiting on a daily basis, so I was quite worthless.
Over the following next days we researched this new term Anencephaly. Googled it, read stories, medical reviews, anything we could.... But when you research that word, Anencephaly, it will take you all of 5 minutes to know in your heart, that this condition is fatal, without a doubt.
You always hear of the miracle stories, baby was going to die, or would need 10 surgeries to even have a chance at survival, 60 Minutes LOVES these stories.... So initially I thought, hey.... this could totally still turn around and NO defect is too big for My God. But as we read more and more and more and more, not only was it obvious what was going to inevitably happen, but I had, what can only show the power and grace of the Lord, this unbelievable Peace that passes Alllllllll understanding that truly, this baby's earthly journey would end as in the first moments it even began. As awful as it sounded, the Lord gave me peace. Not that I was ok with it, but that I didnt need to use precious energy and time fighting this diagnosis, being in denial....
But how do you say Goodbye, before you even said Hello?
...that question haunts me.
As the following days, of course all in a blur would happen, we tried to tell people as best we could one on one before it somehow would leek onto FB or some other place. We have been so surrounded by love this week. It has been exactly one week since we found out the news our baby was going to die. That I was its life support. I often had these feelings that made me feel like I was an executioner.... That no matter what way and when and how this baby came out of me, as soon as it leaves my body, it will die.
I want to keep it inside forever. But of course, this is not up to me....
A wild range of emotions, thoughts, wonder's, lots of praying, texts and calls from family and friends, and complete deep broken down sadness with the occasional minor distraction like our doggies kissing away our tears seem to flood our home.
This Tuesday was our first follow-up appt since the news broke on thursday. We met with my main Obgyn about what to do, where do we go from here..... My husband, who knows my brain is still healing from my disease, and knows how I cant process a lot of information and overstimulated situations, decided to go to the office early that morning to talk to the doctor before our scheduled appt that afternoon. I mean wow.... WHAT KIND OF HUSBAND DOES THAT??? In a time of complete devastation, he still is thinking of me and how to make this as easy as possible.... When I learned what he had done it just brought such immense relief. I tend to forget what I wanted to say or I will get lost in conversation and, he wanted to tell the doctor before hand where our hearts were as far as, ending this pregnancy or not ending it, as after an Anencephaly diagnosis, thats usually the next and last step of this journey.
I had already read so many stories of women who had such harsh doctors who said this baby was no longer a baby and with complete disregard for its life and anyone else's feelings, would always push or demand a termination. I was terrified....
The Definition of Anencephaly is :
Anencephaly is the absence of a large part of the brain and the skull.
Neural tube defects are birth defects that affect the tissue that grows into the spinal cord and brain.
Anencephaly occurs early in the development of an unborn baby. It results when the upper part of the neural tube fails to close. Anencephaly occurs in about 1 out of 10,000 births.
There can be a few variations as to how this defect takes place. Some babies
are born with no brain, and no skull. Other's have Some brain but again in no
case does the skull fully close. In our case, it didnt matter how much or little
brain this loved baby had, no defect was to big or to small for my love. I would
never judge a woman in this situation for what she decides. I think trying to
make such a crucial decision when your in such a crisis mode already is just
about impossible. I was thankful that my appt on Tuesday was with my doctor
who used such tenderness with our hearts. He didnt act like this baby was
a monster, or that this baby no longer mattered. During out appt we had our
umteenth next Ultrasound. I could tell as we were in the office that day, that
everyone had been warned we were coming. For mother's like this, they try to
be extra gentle, maybe get them back into a room faster as just being in the
place that started the whole journey was quite a lot to take in. They put me in
the exact room where I first saw my 5 week old little baby and heard its
heartbeat just pounding away. And then here I was.... back in the same
ultrasound room, amazingly enough still nervous about if the baby's heart would
still be beating never mind the death sentence we were handed last week.
Well, it was still beating.... Gosh to watch this little tadpole grow each week,
a head, then some limbs, now its got fingers and toes and this week it was
sucking on its thumb!!! It was quite rambunctious too :) Pushing up trying to
stand or break free, its definitely a Turner/Lara baby as ADD was written all over
this precious one's face :) It was on a mission, its own little schedule.....
At this place the ultrasounds are done by Tech's instead of the doctor at the
High-Risk place, but it was still great. This amazing women had been doing
U/S for over 20 years and she was so kind to take such a long extra time with
us so we could keep watching it squirm and move... She said in all her 20 yrs
of doing this she's only ever had 3 cases of Anencephaly. We recorded the U/S
and the heartbeat, trying to keep all the memories we can. She gave us so
many pictures.... and ALSO let us know,
ITS A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had tears streaming my face but yet this overwhelming
presence of just non-waivering strength and peace. As we went back to
office room waiting for the doctor, I watched my husbands heart just shatter. At
this point it was already broken, so you can imagine the pain from it shattering
from an already broken state.
It was in that moment I knew I had to be tough. That suffering was again an old
familiar feeling and not one I appreciated or wanted to ever feel again, but none
the less I knew it a little bit better & how to maneuver through. I knew my own
time of complete utter desperation and grief would come, and probably come
and go throughout this entire journey, but for now, for right now, I needed to
stand tall and hold it together for him.
It was the most painful moment for me to hold my husband while I literally
felt his soul crumble, I will never forget that moment or feeling. In the appt with
our obgyn, he carefully went through each and every option and every risk that
was associated with the options. He wanted to make sure we understood that
this was absolutely fatal. I think because he himself is a father, it helped him
understand that regardless of the outcome, this child is wanted, for how ever
many seconds, minutes or hours I *may* get, if it even survives the delivery,
that it is of no less importance to us. And then I kind of realized, before even
all that tragedy will strike, whenever it does, I have time NOW!!!!!!! Oh my
goodness this little boy is with me now, and I have to make every moment
count. Ready, Set, GO!
I knew in my heart termination was absolutely not an option. I was the one who
would have to live with this decision the rest of my life while the rest of the
world moves on in time... So I needed to make what I could live with and feel
at most peace about. Though it may not be what other mother's in this situation
would feel at peace doing, my journey was my own. I decided we are going to
carry this baby. That this beautiful handsome little boy deserved everything any
other baby would get. The only difference is, im gonna have to cram all the
memories with this child into the next few months while he's still inside. So
my agenda is quite full. We've got soccer games to go to, swimming, video
games, stories and bedtime songs to sing, teaching him to pray and who is
wonderful maker is. Telling him all the stories of who is his Parents are, and
the wonderful extended amount of family and friends we are so blessed by and
now He is so blessed to have. And what kid doesn't want to go to Disney
World?!?!?! Like I said, we have to a lot to do and were going to make every
moment count with him.
I think something that encouraged me was that his brain HAD formed. With
anencephaly, it doesnt always form which leads the doctors to assume the
baby will be unconscious, deaf and blind. Basically brain dead. BUT, Our
baby had a brain!!!! Yes he would still die because the skull didnt close, but
just knowing he had what he needed to feel, and be aware and sense, made
me that much more able to bond and connect with him.... Hoping that what I
feel, he can feel. That he is able to hear the music I play to my every growing
belly and his daddy's voice.
As for the future.... I know as the pregnancy progresses, when I start to feel him
move and kick, that it could become more difficult. I know other's around me are
so worried I will become more and more attached as time goes on, making the
future upcoming delivery all the more difficult. But the thing is.... He is my son.
He will ALWAYS always be my first born, my child. For now he lives
safely inside, and if im lucky, he'll live a few moments in my arms, and then....
He will forever in my heart.
There is no easier path for me. Some options for other's might seem better, but I
am a mom. I naturally have that mother's instinct already, and im not ready to
let the world take him from me, unless his Heavenly Father decides its time.
We thought about atleast going to 20 weeks and then delivering. I still have a lot
of risk's because of my disease that play a big role in this situation.... let alone
the ultra-size emotional difficulty this is and will continue to be. So I know they
would like for me to deliver earlier, but its just not something I know yet.
I dont know when or if ill get that sudden peace of knowing its time. It could be
at 20 weeks, it could be at 30 or.... I just dont know. The longer I have him, the
more bonded I will get, and like I said, that does scare people because they love
me and care for me and dont want to see me hurt anymore than I have to. But
at this point, my heart is going to be broken no matter what week, at what day,
at what time, I will be absolutely heartbroken and there is just No detour for
I look at it like... If im gonna be devastated to loose him no matter what, id
rather have him as much time as I can. Make as many GOOD happy memories
and share as much with him as I can because, those positive things are what
I will hold onto and cherish, and what will bring me through the pain. So for me,
the longer I get with him inside me, the more complete I feel. Now if I am told
he is in pain, or suffering or Anything of the sort, I will gladly sacrifice what I
desire for his needs. Without a doubt.
And dont misunderstand me..... Im not in denial. I am fully aware of whats to
come. But if you were give 4 months to live, would you spend every moment
in that intense deep dark sadness, or would you have your moments but other-
wise make every other moment count. Whether thats bungee jumping off some
crazy tall building, or just laying down the iphone and spending quality
uninterrupted time with your family and friends.
So as best i can, and we can, were gonna make the most of this short but yet
life long journey. Do all we can, treat this pregnancy as normal as it can be,
belly shots, midnight cheeto runs, pregnancy photo-shoot, buying him an outfit
for the hospital, some stuffed animals, perhaps making him a blanket
....Although the differences being, he will be buried in that blanket, in his first
and only outfit with his stuffed bear there to keep him safe in his coffin instead
of his crib. But his short life will be cherished.
We will be planning a birth, and a funeral.
Instead of a birthday party, It will just be a different kind of Welcome Home....
Because of my Lyme disease and Babesia, when it does come time to
deliver, I will not only have to have a C-Section, but I will also have to be put to
sleep during it. Now a C-Section actually in this case does sometimes give the
baby greater chance of surviving the delivery as its not being pushed out in
distress of 5-30hrs.... So we are not assuming but just hoping he may get to be
with us for a little while.
The babies that do survive delivery will typically live anywhere from
5 minutes to 10 hours.... Now because I have to be put to sleep during the
delivery, I know that by the time im awake and in recovery, he may already of
passed. But my husband, my brave beautiful husband will spend every moment
with him. This baby will die in his arms or mine. We want to be there to tell him
its ok to go, dont be scared. Extra Prayers would greatly be appreciated for that
time my husband may get with him while im still in surgery....
I know this is a lot of to take in for so many. Especially especially our family.....
I think they are somewhat still shocked im even pregnant, but then to get such
news, particularly something that none of us have ever heard of and they're
getting the second hand version from our sobbing accounts. PLease pray for
their hearts, for healing, for understanding.... They have overwhelmed us with
support but they need it to.
We are Also Awaiting a new arrival to this family. My beautiful sister-in-law and
brother ANY DAY now will be welcoming their Baby Girl!!!!!! They have
waited so long, so patiently for this moment, for this baby.... We are so so
incredibly proud to be this little girl's aunt and uncle. What a blessing it will be...
This is an extremely dark time but gosh.... We have had so so many rays of
light that shine through. Bright sunny days sometimes just become the norm.
But when deep darkness hovers, and a ray of light peaks through, or a rainbow
just after a storm, it means all that much more. A reminder not to take any thing
any one any moment for granted.
Im sure through out the months we will have many updates on just how were
doing, or what were doing, what were experiencing. It wont all be sad :) We want
our son to know the laughter & light that life has brought us. We appreciate
truly more than I could ever put into words, the love and support no matter
how big or small you may feel it is, It IS Significant to us and so deeply
We praise God for all that he Has given us, the time we Do get with our son. We
praise God for the Strength and Comfort he brings us during our heartbreak. We
praise God for the ability to rise above the challenge and not drown in it. We
praise God for all he HAS done, all He HAS brought into our life and we trust
Him when he allows it to leave us as well.
We praise God for this beautiful life inside me, that he picked us, that he
thought we were the perfect parents to love this child..... I am so honored to be
London Daniel Lara's MOM for the rest of my life. We will praise God, and
we will always acknowledge, honor and love our son.