I understand this is disturbing for most of you. I explain a lot more on page 31. I was depressed and extremely frustrated at the time I wrote the original post below. Despite that, it's still true that I sometimes resent my daughter (for multiple reasons) and I'm trying to find a way past feeling that way.
Some people have been nice and offered advice that I hadn't thought of. Others have been downright vicious, chosing not to even try to understand any of it - but resport to name calling and condemnation. I am not a troll, just a mother who's been through a lot and is struggling to bond with an innocent child. I am not the only person to experience this and I won't be the last. It's a sensitive subject that is mostly avoided until someone starts talking about how much of a heartless b*tch their mother was and how they got no love. For those of you who haven't filled it in yet - that's exactly what I don't want to happen with her. I was a good mother to my son and the plan is the same for her. I knew I was going to have trouble attaching to her. I just didn't expect to still be having the problem almost 2yrs. later.
This is an unfortunate and f*cked up situation to say the least. Nothing good is going to ever come from it.
I made the genius decision to part from my normally over cautious nature and live life a little differently...stop playing everything so safe.
Extremely long story short: I ended up in a situation where I was denied the abortion I was desperate for, so I could just move on and forget. I wanted the baby gone so I'd never have to deal with her father again, and because I knew I wouldn't bond with her. My pregnancy was miserable. My delivery was miserable. The first few months home with her were miserable.
She's 22mos old, and I still don't feel connected to her. I care for her. Take care of her. Am protective of her. I just don't feel like I love her. It's not her fault. She didn't ask to be here and she shouldn't be here. She annoys me to no end, partially because she's her father's child and she's like him in too many ways. With me, she's a clingy, whiny brat (even when nothing's wrong and she's happy, she whines - grrrrugh!), and she's constantly climbing all over me - with everyone else she's an independent, loving, happy, funny darling who just likes to seek attention. I literally want to throw her across the room sometimes. When she's gone I don't miss her and don't want her to come back. When she's here I make sure she's okay, but ignore her. I'm constantly debating kicking her father out and sending her with him. If he wasn't such a fuck-up, I would. But I'd never send a baby away with an irresponsible, self-centered alcoholic who can't keep a job and has no permanent address (and no, I didn't know any of this before she came along, I just had a feeling something wasn't right. He's an extremely manipulative pathological liar who is well practiced at hiding things from people and I didn't find out until after I was pregnant.)
I had to kick them both out today, just so I could find some peace, or I would have exploded.
I'm not here to be bothered by self-righteous critics. If all you have to say is how wrong I am, save the effort and shove it up your a** before you even get started. I already know how f*cked up it is, I'm living it, and i wouldn't be here talking about it if everything was okay.
Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what to do. Most of the time, I wish I could just walk away and forget all of it ever happened, but I have too much of a conscience for that, and I'm adopted and know what it's like to wonder. There's a LOT more to this story than I can tell here, volumes. I just want to know that I'm not the only one who's ever felt like this and need to get it off my chest as ugly as it is.
- Only group members can vote in this poll.
- 13% - Give her to her father and force him to be a single parent.
- 37% - Force her father to give up his rights and put her up for open adoption?
- 0% - Continue to live life grudgingly, trying not to allow my disdain to affect my parenting.
- 11% - Keep her and just plan on years of counseling for both of us.
- 28% - Give her up while she's too young to remember
- 8% - Just keep hoping this is a phase and she'll get easier and less annoying with time.
I am so sorry you find no joy in your child. I'm sure you are already filled with self-loathing because of it. Do yourself and the child a favor, get the father to give up rights, and if he won't give up yours. Every child deserves to know they are loved. Many people are desperate for a child, so I'm sure she'd have a better home with another couple. Good luck.
by Anonymous 4November 28, 2012 at 6:08 PMPut her up for adoption. The sooner the better, people look for babies over older kids, you should of done that a long time ago. And not open, why would you want it open you dont want her.
by Anonymous 5November 28, 2012 at 6:09 PM
let her go with someone who WANTS to parent her