Mom Confessions
Let me start off by saying I am bipolar and manic depressive. I am on meds but we just have not found the right combination or dosage yet.
We have always known I was bipolar but as a kid my Mom didn't have the resources to help me. She made too much to qualify for medicaid but didn't make enough to afford insurance. We were lucky to have food at times.
It wasn't until I got with DH and he took the time to help me. I went to a shrink and got put on meds. All they did was make me extremely sick. DH lost his job and we lost our insurance so I had to stop. I learned a lot of ways of dealing with it over the years without the use of meds. We got damn good at telling when I was getting in a manic low and were able to bring me out of it. But by this August we couldn't do it anymore. I went to the DR and was put on 150 mg of Seroquel XL. I ended up having a severe allergic reaction to it and ended up in the hospital. So for the next month I couldn't take any meds until we could make sure I didn't have any lasting side effects from it.
I was put on 300 mg of Lithium and 250 mg of Depakote. It seemed to be doing the trick. My mood drastically improved and I was truely happy. Or so I thought
During all of this DH had made a friend. She was somebody we both knew as she worked at our Chiropractor's office. We all hung out together. Well DH and her started spending a lot of time together without me. He would take off on weekends and spend them at her house. Only coming home long enough to sleep and shower before he left again. I felt myself getting worse and told him how I was feeling. He basically told me to quit being a jealous whore and get over myself.
On October 14th I totally lost it. I went for a gun to kill myself. He got to me just in time and took me to the hospital. I was commited for 4 days. They adjusted my meds and released me. I was feeling good again. But on November 4th DH decided to take the kids and move out. He moved in with her. I was heartbroken. I had just lost everything that I had ever loved. He told me that when I could get my shit together and fix myself they would come back.
So I have been floating through the past few weeks like I'm in a fog. I don't sleep more than a few hours a night and I have zero appetite. When I do eat I end up throwing it all up. I have lost almost 50 pounds since August.
I had another bad episode last night and completely lost it. I begged him for help. Begged like a damn dog to help me get the help I need. And he walked away. He told me he was done with me and my psychotic ass. He won't let me see my kids until I get my shit fixed. My kids are all I have left in this world and he is taking them from me.
I am so broken and defeated. All I want to do is just curl up in a ball and die. I have nothing left in this world to live for. He took everything I had to live for. I'm just so confused right now. Do I fight for my family? Or do I just let it go and let them move on with their lives?
No need to comment. I just really needed to vent to someone as I don't have any friends anymore. They have all sided with him..
Several people have commented on the gun situation. While I was in the hospital, all guns were removed from the house and taken to my Dad's and put in his gun safe. I do not have access even if I wanted to.
I never tried to kill myself last night. I stated that I had a bad episode. Bipolar sucks ass. And if you have never dealt with it personally you have no idea just how bad it is.
I have NEVER tried to harm my kids. My kids are everything to me. I was going to kill myself that night so that DH would have his dream family with the other woman and not have to worry about me getting in the way. We have 4 kids. I have a DD who lives with her dad in Florida, he has 2 boys that we have custody of and we have a DS together. The only boy I have any legal right to is the youngest. Although I have been mom to the others for almost 11 years as their biomom abandoned them.
I get that he is afraid of the kids seeing me in a "low" but in all honesty the kids have been what keeps me "normal" for the most part. He has agreed to let me see them every day after school for 2 hours. He will be there of course but will back off and let me spend time with them.
I go first thing Monday morning to see the outpatient at the hospital I was admitted to. I am thankful that they are 24/7 so I could talk to them today. They said they might have to readmit me for up to 14 days to refigure my meds. And I'm totally ok with that. He already said he would bring the kids to see me whenever possible.
BUT..he is using my illness as a reason to leave me and not feel guilty. He told me today that he still loves me but he is has not been IN LOVE with me for years. He admitted that he has been thinking about leaving since January and was just waiting until she left her abusive husband and filed her divorce papers and found a place for them to live and get approval from her landlord for him and the boys to move in.
I have every intention of taking my meds continuously. I know how important they are to me.
Replies
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((((((HUGS))))))) -
*hugs* Stay on your meds and consult a lawyer about him keeping your children away from you and living with his mistress. -
FIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY!!!
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I've been where you are.
I have bipolar and schitzoafftive. Safe to say I put the fun in disfunctional until I got myself back together again.I have no positive input but can honestly say that real love doesn't leave you sick, and a real man wouldn't have taken the time to help you then leave for another woman.
Oh, and don't kill yourself over any man. Crazy woman does not mean ugly person. There are plenty of people in the world who would love you just the way you are.
Fight for yourself and your children. The man will come back if that's his wish, but frankly, after what he's done, i'd let him pass by. -
I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm sure this is very hard for everyone, your husband, your children, you. I'm sorry. I have no advice and wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom. I just hope you can get the help you need and I do think you should fight for your children. I think your husband is a piece of crap for making vows of "for better or for worse" and then leaving you when things are "worse". I wouldn't take him back but I would fight for my kids.
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Hunny you really need to go get help. Take the true time and get yourself put back together. I'm sorry to say this but can you really blame your husband for not allowing the kids around right now? Your children don't need to see their mother like that. Shame on him for cheating and doing things the way he is doing them with the other woman. But you need to get yourself together and get your health back into control. Your children deserve a happy mother! Good luck!
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Killing yourself certainly isn't the answer. So he moved in with this chick, took the kids with him and will not admit anything is going on between them?
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I think the most important thing right now is to get you well. You have to be well for your kids. Fight like hell. For you and for them.
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((hugs)) I'm sorry this is happening to you :( keep taking your meds and see a lawyer. He can't just take the kids. You have to be strong and fight for your family. And by family I mean your kids. your dh sounds like he wanted to be prince Charming til it got too difficult to live with.
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If she isn't stable herself then she doesn't need to be alone with the kids. She needs help taking care of herself first. Yes it is awful that he is with another woman, but why subject the kids to instability?
OP please seek help first then & only then are you ready for your kids.
Quoting redhead-bedhead:
*hugs* Stay on your meds and consult a lawyer about him keeping your children away from you and living with his mistress.