But I hurt. Every day, I cry it seems. I had a truly brutal as heck childhood, and have spent the rest of my life working through abuse and neglect and rape, etc. But I'm finally beginning to accept that I may have reached the limit of my endurance. That no matter how strong everyone says I am, and no matter how much I'm afraid of what everyone will think, I just don't think I can keep just going on with life and holding it all together. After a while, every new problem in life just builds up, and I can barely breathe through the hurt and heaviness. I know I have an increasingly shorter temper, less patience. I'm not rolling with the punches like i always have so easily. I dissolve into tears and anger and the hurt all just floods over me again and I feel so damned lost. I'm losing my rationality to overwhelming emotions that are escalating beyond my self control. I say things I don't mean and that I regret. I don't say what I should. I know that the only reason I haven't taken things to a seriously physical level is that I hate hurting others, and I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I'm not stopped by my status of a mother, of a lover, of a friend, sister, etc. I don't feel unloved. I do sometimes feel misunderstood. I don't feel unneeded. I do often feel like too many and too much demands my time, though. I wanted to get help today, after days of erratic crying jags only got worse. I begged him to take me or let me go check myself in for a full psych evaluation this evening. But if I do, it causes conflict with his work schedule, and with Thanksgiving plans. I ended up feeling more guilty for even asking to spend 24/48 hours in a mental hospital.
This is.... A vent. An unleashing of bottled up everything. I'm scared as heck that if I admit how sad, angry, hurt, etc that I feel lately, they're going to take my kiddos. Or everyone will think I'm unstable and crazy if I start taking meds. I'm scared. I need my babies. And I need my friends... I don't want to be broken anymore, though, either....
You need to get meds regardless of what anyone says or thinks. They will help you take the edge off of everything and focus on getting better. Go to the hospital and get them to help you or see a doctor so you can start getting better. There is no shame in taking medicine to help you and you won't lose your kids becasue of it, I promise.
*hugs* I suggest therapy. If you find the right therapist, they can teach you coping methods, and give you tools on how to handle this stuff better. Even the strongest person gets tired of carrying that much weight for so long. You're still a strong woman for carrying on for so long without having a breakdown. You just need a reminder. :)
by Anonymous - Original Poster
November 17, 2012 at 11:17 PM
Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.
I have the headache from hell. I apologize for not replying to everyone individually.