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I'm not crazy..
by Anonymous
November 17, 2012 at 10:41 PM
But I hurt. Every day, I cry it seems. I had a truly brutal as heck childhood, and have spent the rest of my life working through abuse and neglect and rape, etc. But I'm finally beginning to accept that I may have reached the limit of my endurance. That no matter how strong everyone says I am, and no matter how much I'm afraid of what everyone will think, I just don't think I can keep just going on with life and holding it all together. After a while, every new problem in life just builds up, and I can barely breathe through the hurt and heaviness. I know I have an increasingly shorter temper, less patience. I'm not rolling with the punches like i always have so easily. I dissolve into tears and anger and the hurt all just floods over me again and I feel so damned lost. I'm losing my rationality to overwhelming emotions that are escalating beyond my self control. I say things I don't mean and that I regret. I don't say what I should. I know that the only reason I haven't taken things to a seriously physical level is that I hate hurting others, and I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I'm not stopped by my status of a mother, of a lover, of a friend, sister, etc. I don't feel unloved. I do sometimes feel misunderstood. I don't feel unneeded. I do often feel like too many and too much demands my time, though. I wanted to get help today, after days of erratic crying jags only got worse. I begged him to take me or let me go check myself in for a full psych evaluation this evening. But if I do, it causes conflict with his work schedule, and with Thanksgiving plans. I ended up feeling more guilty for even asking to spend 24/48 hours in a mental hospital.

This is.... A vent. An unleashing of bottled up everything. I'm scared as heck that if I admit how sad, angry, hurt, etc that I feel lately, they're going to take my kiddos. Or everyone will think I'm unstable and crazy if I start taking meds. I'm scared. I need my babies. And I need my friends... I don't want to be broken anymore, though, either....


  • Anonymous 2
    by Anonymous 2
    November 17, 2012 at 10:49 PM
    I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are you really need to seek help asap
  • momo3fgr8tteens
    November 17, 2012 at 10:54 PM

    You need to get meds regardless of what anyone says or thinks. They will help you take the edge off of everything and focus on getting better. Go to the hospital and get them to help you or see a doctor so you can start getting better. There is no shame in taking medicine to help you and you won't lose your kids becasue of it, I promise. 

  • momo3fgr8tteens
    November 17, 2012 at 10:55 PM

    You can pm me if you need someone to talk to. 

  • weezer_cookie
    November 17, 2012 at 10:56 PM
    Honey you need help. If you need meds... Then you need them! No shame in it. It is not doing your family any good bottling it up inside. You need to let it out in a safe environment. Best of luck.
  • momma2mms
    November 17, 2012 at 10:56 PM

    How selfish of him. Go get help if you need it. Do you have any family or friends that could watch your kids for 2 days? You'll be out by Thanksgiving. I hope you do what you need to do. Good luck!!

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    November 17, 2012 at 10:57 PM
    Thank you for even reading this, much less replying.

    I'll seek help after the first if not before.
  • mz_erica03
    November 17, 2012 at 10:58 PM
    The best thing you can do for you and your babies is to get the help you need. *hugs*
  • smurfbitebug
    November 17, 2012 at 11:01 PM
    "Or everyone will think I'm unstable and crazy if I start taking meds."

    Do you realize how many people are actually on meds? It would blow your mind.
    There is nothing wrong with needing meds. If you need them, go get them. I hear they make a world of difference. ;)
  • velvetkitty
    November 17, 2012 at 11:07 PM
    *hugs* I suggest therapy. If you find the right therapist, they can teach you coping methods, and give you tools on how to handle this stuff better. Even the strongest person gets tired of carrying that much weight for so long. You're still a strong woman for carrying on for so long without having a breakdown. You just need a reminder. :)
  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    November 17, 2012 at 11:17 PM
    Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.

    I have the headache from hell. I apologize for not replying to everyone individually.

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