lets say you know a woman, she used to have problem with drugs, after staying clean for a year, her bf beats her up and leaves her (because she doesn't approve of him drinking) alone with 2 kids, she spirals into depression, and ends up leaving her kids with her mom and takes off and relapses.
2 months into her relapse, she realises she is pregnant, by her druggie bf.
scared to go home, ashamed of what she has done, she quits drugs on her own, tells her mom everything is ok, and stays with the loser bf.
then one night, he tries to kill her and her unborn child.
she manages to escape, and ends up couch surfing, because there is no family near enough to help her. he promises to change and begs her forgivness, sick of couch surfing, she goes back.
a month later, he tries to kill her again.
this time,she calls the police and puts him in jail, packs her bags, and goes home to her mothers, a 3 day drive away.
her life is in flux, she is a recovering addict (she quit when she found out about the baby) and has 2 children already, 1 whom her mother has raised since she was 15, and another who she placed with her mom while she relapsed.
determined to stay clean and be a good mom, she makes a hard choice, to learn to be a mother to the 2 children she already has, and focus on recovery, and in order to do that, she decides that she needs to put the child she is carrying up for adoption, just in case she cannot stay clean.
she finds the perfect family, a nice young couple, and the adoption process begins.
she is scared the stress of a new baby along with learning to be a mother again will be too much for her, she is scared of relapsing. she is scared of putting her kids through hell. again. so she gives her little baby girl up, and keeps working on herself.
she meets a really nice farm boy, he loves her despite her faults, they meet when she is 7 months preg with the baby she is giving up.
he stands by her, and is there for her and loves her. he treats her children as her own, and is supportive of her decision regarding adoption.
5 years later, they are still together, she is still clean, and is a good wife and mother.
she has tried her best to make amends for the damage her addiction has caused.
her oldest still lives with her mother, (although she tried to have him with her, he just wasn't happy, and they had a hard time bonding, ) but she got herself in check in time to save her relationship with the younger one.
4 years after first meeting her farm boy, they have a baby:) and then they get married:) and are now expecting another child.
do you judge her and begrudge her this child because of her past? (she has 6 years clean now)
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I would not judge her, I have seen from my own mother how hard it is when someone is not strong enough to stay clean. At least she was smart enough to know her limits and gave the baby up for adoption, I wish my own mother would have done that. Sometime its takes a lot of wrong turns to get to the right road.
I expect the expected from people, so I am never surprised!
so no matter how good she does, or how good a mom she is now, her years clean, all of this, you would still look at her like she is a pos and expect her to be a pos because she made bad choices as a teenager? no matter how good she is doing now? that's nice.
I judge all bad decisions, because those decisions leave a trail of tears. There is no sense in looking back, because nothing can be changed, but in truth I would not trust that person to make the right decisions forever, and would expect the worst.